Chapter One
Becky Gives Some Students from her Old University a Lecture About Forgiveness

While the psychology programme was having a break between series, Becky read a self-help book about forgiveness. She thought it might be useful to talk about it on the psychology programme, in case anyone could be helped by forgiving other people. But when she thought over what she'd like to say, she realised that talking about all the instructions the author gave about forgiving, and telling stories from the book about people whose mental health improved after they forgave people, would take much longer than the amount of time the psychology programme was on for; and she didn't think the people doing the programme that came after it would appreciate her talking over the beginning of theirs ... or over all of it! So she wasn't sure it would be a good idea.

But then she had a lucky break! A group of tutors at the university she'd been to sent her an invitation to give a lecture to students at the university on a psychological topic of her choice one evening. They'd heard her on the radio and had been impressed, so they thought it would be good if she came back to her former university one day to give a talk to the students, and they thought it would be good publicity for the university to have a former student visiting who'd become successful enough to be on the radio. They said she could introduce herself by telling them about how she'd got to work for the radio station and about her experiences there, and then go on to give them a lecture on a psychology subject of her choosing.

Becky was thrilled about the idea, and so were the members of her family that she told. She set a date with the tutors, and told them she'd like to talk about what she'd learned from the book about forgiveness she'd been reading. They said they thought that would be nice.

A new series of the psychology programme started before she went there, but she had the time to both prepare things for that, and prepare her long lecture for the students.

Some of the students who hadn't known Becky when she was at the university laughed at the idea of going to hear a lecture by someone as young as her when it was advertised. But the tutors whose students laughed at the idea in their presence advised them to listen to her on the radio to see if it changed their minds. Those who did were impressed, and decided they'd like to go and hear her speak at the university.

Before Her Lecture, Becky Chats With Some of the Students she Used to Know, One of Whom Makes Fun of a Jane Austen Novel

Becky went to the university in the afternoon of the day she'd been booked to speak. Before she gave her lecture, she met up with some students she'd known when she was there, and they had an enjoyable time chatting with each other. First, they talked to each other about what they'd been up to since Becky left the university. Then they started having a laugh.

One of them said with a mischievous grin, "On my sociology and history course, there's a selection of optional modules that we had to choose a couple from, and I chose to do one called Literature and Society, which is about the kinds of clues some novels that were written in the last few hundred years can give us about the way people lived in those days. I'm thinking that maybe it wasn't the most interesting course to have chosen now. Some of what we're learning's interesting, like some factual books we're reading about what life was like for people then; but I'm not enjoying wading through a couple of the novels they've told us to read!

"The other day I started reading one of them - Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I haven't got far at all yet, but so far, it seems to be dreary enough to make me wish her parents had scolded her more about how she should have been going out and getting a proper job instead of writing novels, a job like, - I dunno, - governess to a brood of bratty kids or something, - because then she'd have been too busy to have written this crud! ... Well, to be fair, it's possible it'll get a lot better soon. My opinion of Jane Austen's as low as it is mostly because of a dreary novel of hers we had to read at school. I suppose this one might just be better.

"Anyway, we've got to write an essay on this book and how it was a product of society then or something, and I was thinking about it the other day, and even the idea of wading through it and doing the essay bored me, so I wanted some light relief. So instead of getting down to reading it properly, I found the book on the Internet, and copied and pasted the first two chapters into a Word document, and used its search and replace function to change some of the words in it, so reading it would be more fun. ... That isn't the version I'm going to read when I do my essay, obviously, ... just in case anyone was wondering. I printed the version with the changes in it out and started taking it to lectures with me, in case I got bored of one and fancied a quick laugh in the middle of it, or to let other people who might like it see it, ... not in the middle of our lectures, obviously, but over lunch or something."

One of the group grinned and said, "Having a quick laugh in the middle of a lecture might not go down too well! Imagine if the lecturer was talking about early factories or something, and he said, 'Conditions were appalling! Safety standards were so low that there were a lot of accidents, and even little children had to work in them!', and you burst out laughing just at that second!"

"That wouldn't happen!" said the student who'd been telling them about vandalising the words of a couple of chapters of a Jane Austen book. "I wouldn't get bored if they were talking about stuff like that!"

The one who'd made the joke said, "No, probably not actually. But talking of laughing at inappropriate times, I've done that! Just the other day I heard this promo for some programme or other on the BBC World Service. ... Well, I didn't really hear it, because I turned the radio right down as soon as it came on, luckily being conveniently near it, because I hate those things; they put them on before every news broadcast; and a lot of them don't even make sense; they're pretty much just disconnected-sounding strings of phrases from the programme - maybe tiny snippets of some of the most dramatic things that are going to be said on it, as if they think the more dramatic they can make the promos, the more people are likely to tune in to the programme, regardless of the fact that the string of them doesn't make sense, so they give the impression that the programme won't make sense either! Somehow, it seems they don't think that's going to matter to people.

"Anyway, the one I heard - or didn't hear much of really - might have made more sense than some of the others, because it at least had a narrator briefly linking the clips together. I'm not sure, because as soon as I heard it start, I turned the radio right down, since like I said, I hate having to listen to those things. I wouldn't mind if they made sense! But anyway, while the radio was turned down, I half-heard someone on the promo mention that someone had fallen down a flight of stairs years ago; but I thought they said 'slice of stairs'!

"So I was giggling to myself about that, while the promo was going on, sounding as if it was saying something about someone being murdered, and someone else digging his grave or something. I was trying to tune it out of my brain because I don't like those things; but all the way through it, there was the sound of someone digging a grave, and little snippets of people who were probably talking about the man who fell down the stairs being killed or something.

"I'm not sure; but that's what I guessed from what I did hear - a string of different people all mentioning words like 'kill' and 'crime' a lot, as if the promo makers somehow think, 'Hey, this is how to attract listeners: Let's pack in as many snippets of people mentioning words like 'murder' as we can into this minute-long segment of radio, because we can tell people are attracted to hearing stories about murder, judging by how popular the tabloids that are full of stories about it are; so the more we mention it in this promo, the more people will be attracted to listen to the programme! It doesn't matter if that means there won't be room to include some explanations that would make our promos make more sense!'

"Anyway, all the while this promo about a tragic event was going on, I was giggling to myself, imagining how it would be if they really had said 'slice of stairs' by mistake! Then I thought I shouldn't really be giggling.

"But imagine if someone really did accidentally say that, like a tour guide taking some tourists around Buckingham Palace! Imagine if he said, 'Soon we're going to come up to a slice of stairs. At the top is a drawing room where the queen sometimes entertains guests.'"

One of the others chuckled and said, "Or imagine if he said 'drawing pin' instead of drawing room, so he said, 'Soon we're going to come up to a slice of stairs, at the top of which is a drawing pin where the queen likes to entertain guests.'

"Maybe people would be a bit puzzled, thinking, 'Did I really just hear him say that?'"

They all laughed.

Then the one who'd been talking about playing with what some people would consider to be a classic book from the past said, "I'll tell you about the chapters of the Jane Austen novel I improved by changing some of the words if you like. The start of it's about how a lot of rich parents would do their best in those days to get their daughters together with rich young men, in the hope that they'd marry them and bring more money into the family, or at least be well-off themselves, in an age when inheritances were only passed down to sons, not daughters, it seems.

"I'll read you my improved version if you like, where I changed some of the words. The book starts off with a conversation where this nagging wife's talking to her husband who enjoys making fun of her, about how she's really pleased that a new rich man's come to town so she can introduce her five daughters to him, in the hope he'll fall in love with one and marry her, so they'll get his money. She gets all excited about the idea of them visiting him. Then in the next chapter, her and her husband and daughters are talking about when they'll meet him.

"The parents are called Mr and Mrs Bennet. I replaced the word 'Bennet' with the word 'Pineapple'. The rich young man's called Mr Bingley. I changed his name to Mr Raisin Nose. And there's a woman mentioned called Mrs Long, whose name I changed to Mrs Fruitcake.

"And I replaced the word 'wife' with 'pizza', the word 'daughter' with 'cheese', the word 'married' with 'crinkly', the word 'marrying' with 'drinking', the word 'single' with 'hairy', the word 'friend' with 'teddy bear', the word 'man' with 'tomato', the word 'families' with 'toenails', the word 'fortune' with 'nostril', the word 'girls' with 'pencil cases', the word 'beauty' with 'beer', the word 'woman' with 'strawberry', the word 'visit' with 'poison', the word 'nerves' with 'carrots', the word 'love' with 'custard', the word 'servants' with 'nighties', the word 'nieces' with 'bottles', the word 'mother' with 'washing machine', the word 'lady' with 'handbag', and the word 'fortnight' with 'pin head'. And the house the wife said this rich young man was about to move into was called Netherfield Park, and I renamed it 'the Rubbish Bin Filled Park'.

"... Yeah OK, maybe I got a bit carried away. But the more I changed it, the more it got better! I'll read the finished product out loud to you if you like. ... Of course, if you've forgotten what the original words were, this is going to make even less sense than it will if you remember what I said they were! Would you like me to read it?"

They all eagerly said they would. Any Jane Austen fans listening might have needed to attend Becky's lecture later to learn how to forgive the mangling of the first two chapters of one of her books!

The student responsible for mangling them read:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a hairy tomato in possession of a good nostril, must be in want of a pizza.

"However little known the feelings or views of such a tomato may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding toenails, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their cheeses.

"'My dear Mr. Pineapple,' said his handbag to him one day, 'have you heard that The rubbish bin Filled park is let at last?'

"Mr. Pineapple replied that he had not.

"'But it is,' returned she; 'for Mrs. Fruitcake has just been here, and she told me all about it.'

"Mr. Pineapple made no answer.

"'Do you not want to know who has taken it?' cried his pizza impatiently.

"'You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.'

"This was invitation enough.

"'Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Fruitcake says that The rubbish bin is taken by a young tomato of large nostril from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas, and some of his nighties are to be in the house by the end of next week.'

"'What is his name?'

"'Raisin Nose.'

"'Is he crinkly or hairy?'

"'Oh! Hairy, my dear, to be sure! A hairy tomato of large nostril; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our pencil cases!'

"'How so? How can it affect them?'

"'My dear Mr. Pineapple,' replied his pizza, 'how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his drinking one of them.'

"'Is that his design in settling here?'

"'Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he may fall in custard with one of them, and therefore you must poison him as soon as he comes.'

"'I see no occasion for that. You and the pencil cases may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as boring as any of them, Mr. Raisin Nose may like you the best of the party.'

"'My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beer, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a strawberry has five grown-up cheeses, she ought to give over thinking of her own beer.'

"'In such cases, a strawberry has not often much beer to think of.'

"'But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Raisin Nose when he comes into the neighbourhood.'

"'It is more than I engage for, I assure you.'

"'But consider your cheeses. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Handbag Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they poison no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to poison him if you do not.'

"'You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Raisin Nose will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his drinking whichever he chooses of the pencil cases; though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy.'

"'I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so boring as Jane, nor half so good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference.'

"'They have none of them much to recommend them,' replied he; 'they are all silly and ignorant like other pencil cases; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.'

"'Mr. Pineapple, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor carrots.'

"'You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your carrots. They are my old teddy bears. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.'

"'Ah, you do not know what I suffer.'

"'But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of four thousand a year come into the neighbourhood.'

"'It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not poison them.'

"'Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will poison them all.'

"Mr. Pineapple was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his pizza understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a strawberry of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her cheeses crinkly; its solace was poisoning and news.

"That's chapter one. Chapter two goes:

"Mr. Pineapple was among the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Raisin Nose. He had always intended to poison him, though to the last always assuring his pizza that he should not go; and till the evening after the poison was paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second cheese employed in trimming a hat, he suddenly addressed her with:

"'I hope Mr. Raisin Nose will like it, Lizzy.'

"'We are not in a way to know what Mr. Raisin Nose likes,' said her washing machine resentfully, 'since we are not to poison.'

"'But you forget, mamma,' said Elizabeth, 'that we shall meet him at the assemblies, and that Mrs. Fruitcake promised to introduce him.'

"'I do not believe Mrs. Fruitcake will do any such thing. She has two bottles of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical strawberry, and I have no opinion of her.'

"'No more have I,' said Mr. Pineapple; 'and I am glad to find that you do not depend on her serving you.'

"'Mrs. Pineapple deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding one of her cheeses.

"'Don't keep coughing so, Kitty, for Heaven's sake! Have a little compassion on my carrots. You tear them to pieces.'

"'Kitty has no discretion in her coughs,' said her father; 'she times them ill.'

"'I do not cough for my own amusement,' replied Kitty fretfully. 'When is your next ball to be, Lizzy?'

"'To-morrow pin head.'

"'Aye, so it is,' cried her washing machine, 'and Mrs. Fruitcake does not come back till the day before; so it will be impossible for her to introduce him, for she will not know him herself.'

"'Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your teddy bear, and introduce Mr. Raisin Nose to her.'

"'Impossible, Mr. Pineapple, impossible, when I am not acquainted with him myself; how can you be so teasing?'

"'I honour your circumspection. A pin head's acquaintance is certainly very little. One cannot know what a man really is by the end of a pin head. But if we do not venture somebody else will; and after all, Mrs. Fruitcake and her bottles must stand their chance; and, therefore, as she will think it an act of kindness, if you decline the office, I will take it on myself.'

"The pencil cases stared at their father. Mrs. Pineapple said only, 'Nonsense, nonsense!'

"'What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?' cried he. 'Do you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you there. What say you, Mary? For you are a young handbag of deep reflection, I know, and read great books and make extracts.'

"Mary wished to say something sensible, but knew not how.

"'While Mary is adjusting her ideas,' he continued, 'let us return to Mr. Raisin Nose.'

"'I am sick of Mr. Raisin Nose,' cried his pizza.

"'I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me that before? If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the poison, we cannot escape the acquaintance now.'

"The astonishment of the handbags was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Pineapple perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.

"'How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Pineapple! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your pencil cases too well to neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! and it is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it till now.'

"'Now, Kitty, you may cough as much as you choose,' said Mr. Pineapple; and, as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his pizza.

"'What an excellent father you have, pencil cases!' said she, when the door was shut. 'I do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness; or me, either, for that matter. At our time of life it is not so pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but for your sakes, we would do anything. Lydia, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Mr. Raisin Nose will dance with you at the next ball.'

"'Oh!' said Lydia stoutly, 'I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I'm the tallest.'

"The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mr. Pineapple's poison, and determining when they should ask him to dinner."

The students giggled.