By Diana Holbourn
Becky and Other Students Discuss Psychopaths, Wife Beaters, Lead Poisoning Scandals and Other Depressing Things, but Also Have a Laugh
Book Four of the Becky Bexley series. Chapter 1 continued.
This series accompanies the books about what Becky does at university and afterwards, which you can find out more about on my author website. (The online series is in draft form.)
(To recap: The previous page ended with one of the students, Jessica, talking about a man on a forum she nicknamed Psychopops, who started out being playful with her but then turned abusive.
One of the group said, "Here's one thing I've started wondering recently. It's kind of related to this: Do you think it's possible that some men genuinely can't tell the difference between the way their own feelings or hormones are making them feel and what people might be deliberately doing to make them feel a certain way? The kind of thing I mean is that when men look at a woman, and they feel stirrings in their desire-making mechanisms, especially if she's dressed in revealing clothing or something, do you think quite a lot of them might think, 'She's doing this to me', instead of recognising it as just their own bodily reactions, so when the woman they got the animal excitement about doesn't seem interested in them after that, they think she must be lying or teasing and interested in them really, or that she's just being cruel, leading them on only to say no when she's got them all interested?"
None of the students knew, but some said they doubted it.
The one who'd come up with the idea said, "If that does happen though, then for one thing, it might help to explain why some men think women who get raped must have been asking for it if they were doing something that, say, even unintentionally, was showing off more of their figure than they normally would.
"Or maybe it's as if men who say things like that somehow believe that men just can't help being led along by their feelings, no matter what they make them feel like doing, as if they haven't got thinking brains that can tell the difference between right and wrong, and between what another person's tempting them to do and their own instinctive bodily reactions, as if it's only fair to let them behave as if they're only capable of being guided by animal instinct if they're tempted to, and it's women's responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. It certainly isn't a flattering view of men's capabilities, if that's the way they really do think, is it! You wonder why some men would think like that, when it's really as good as saying, 'You just can't expect us men to have enough brains to be good at deciding what's fair and what's not, so as to be able to resist our animal instincts and behave in a civilised way!'
"Really, what man wants to think like that about himself! You wouldn't have thought any of them would, but it seems some of them must do!"
They smiled.
Jessica said, "Actually, Psychopops's attitude to women seems to have been quite weird, now I think back on it, although maybe it's a common attitude among men who like to be abusive to women, I don't know.
"But one day one of his friends, who also posted on the forum, sent me a private message saying Psychopops had a crush on me and thought I was different to the wimpy women they'd met before, and that I was driving him nuts because I wouldn't give him my phone number and real name, and yet I wasn't telling him I didn't want anything to do with him any more; he used the phrase, 'neither surrender nor retreat'.
"I wondered what that meant - surrender or retreat. At the time, I didn't give it much thought and just put the message to the back of my mind, just wanting things to stay the way they were. I didn't like the thought that Psychopops had a crush on me, because I wasn't interested in anything romantic - that would have been stupid anyway, since he lived thousands of miles away; but I just wanted things to stay playful. But I think now that Psychopops might have been just being playful because he thought it would make me fall in love with him, thinking trying to make me do that was a game! And not a nice game!
"Maybe he thought of his behaviour towards women as a bit like a war game; if they gave him their phone numbers and wanted to be with him, he would think he'd won a victory and that they've surrendered.
"He did worse things than What I've already told you , because he had to go and bring his real-life girlfriend into it! It seems he wasn't just playing that crass game where he was trying to make me think I was in competition with his girlfriend for his attentions with me; I reckon he must have been trying to make his real-life girlfriend think she'd better please him or he'd be giving his attention to me instead!
"I told him I didn't want to flirt with him because it would be unfair on her. He claimed he was touched by that and respected my wishes. But just a couple of days after that he was back to his old ways. Then he told me she'd got upset and told him to stop asking me for my real name and phone number and going on about me, saying that if he didn't, he'd have to choose between me and her. He told me he yelled at her about how if she was going to lay down the law around him, she'd soon find herself being shown the door. They had an argument and she ended up crying, and then he blamed me for it, saying he was going to have to make a huge effort to try to make up with her because of that, and it was all my fault.
"But then just a mere couple of hours later, he said he'd taken her to a fancy restaurant and wished I could be there too, and invited me to come and stay with him because he knew how much I was longing to go to bed with him. He said he'd insist we had dinner first though, and then we could go into the bedroom, and I could show him just why I was worth his attention. Gross! I cut contact with him pretty much immediately after that.
"He'd said quite a lot of those things in private messages to me rather than on the forum. But I quoted them on the forum to try to publicly shame him, and the man he used to bully most before he got nasty to me got concerned, and told me his opinion of him.
"He said something like, 'I used to think he was just a young troll who'd just never learned to argue sensibly so he had to resort to insults. But after you started quoting the things he's been saying to you, I changed my mind. Now I think he's a sociopath and a narcissist and a woman abuser. I think he gets his self-worth from being adored by women, but he has contempt for any women who fall for the games he plays to deceive them into falling for his charms, because he knows they're really loving someone he's deceived them into believing he is, not the real him. The more easily he thinks he's been able to deceive them, the more contempt he'll have for the women who love him, and the more he'll show disrespect for them. But since he needs their love to improve his low self-worth, he'll keep on switching between abuse and flattery and declarations of love, to try and keep them interested in him. I believe he craves attention from women, but hates the women who fall for his deceit, so he'll keep switching between abuse and love talk.'
"Interestingly, he said he thought the reason Psychopops was especially contemptuous of women who fell for his charms was because he disrespected and was contemptuous of himself, so he'd think they were especially stupid for falling for someone as rubbishy as him. He said he thought the reason he would act as if he was really really confident was to cover up the hatred he had for himself and his real beliefs about himself, since he knew there was something seriously wrong with him, something disturbing and creepy, but he loved the person he made himself out to be, and would try to comfort himself with the praise and approval of women he'd conned into loving him, while abusing them sometimes because he hated them for being easily conned even though he needed them.
"He said Psychopops might be scared he was someone worse than he really was, and was dangerous, because people like that will do anything to try to stop other people from realising what kind of people they really are. But he said he likely didn't really realise all that about himself.'
"Not long after Psychopops was banned from the forum, he managed to get back on there, and before he was quickly banned again, he managed to say that he'd read what the man had said, and that most of it was true!
"A few months later, he managed to get back on the forum again for a short time, using the account of a friend of his, who he said didn't want it any more. He told me he felt really guilty about the nasty things he'd said to me, so guilty he felt like committing suicide, and that every time he went past a shop that sold rat poison, he felt like going in and getting some to poison himself with. He asked me to forgive him and be playful with him again.
"Maybe I should have suggested for fun that next time he went past a rat poison shop, he could buy a whole bowlful and eat the lot, even though that would be way more than he needed, just to make sure he didn't make a mistake and fail, since knowing what I knew about his ego, I knew it would take quite a knock if he made a mistake, and he wouldn't like that at all! But I just ignored him instead.
"He obviously didn't commit suicide, because months later, he turned up yet again, trying to persuade me to start being playful with him again, and asking for my forgiveness, telling me he'd become more caring recently, after a relative of his had died, and he regretted not being caring enough towards them while they were alive. But what he said sounded pretty much like something that happened in a book he'd mentioned on the forum before, where someone had become a reformed character after something like that happened, so I suspected him of using it as inspiration to tell me lies, just to get what he wanted. I said I thought he was being fake; and very soon after that, he started being gross and nasty again, just like his old self, so I'm pretty sure I was right! I still felt angry with him because of the way he'd treated his girlfriend, so I wouldn't have been playful with him again then anyway.
"He got banned yet again soon after that.
"But quite a few months later, he managed to get back on the board yet again, with yet another account!
"He asked me to be playful with him again, but I wouldn't. Even though I thought it might have been fun, I knew the fun wouldn't last, since it wouldn't be long before he was getting nasty again; and I also realised, finally, that he'd probably only been playful because it was his way of flirting, and he'd think me being playful with him was me getting attracted to him again. So I realised my playfulness had a completely different meaning for him than it would have done for me, so it wouldn't be worth it. So I started making fun of him instead, starting a thread asking people to come up with fun ideas for ways to kill him.
"One forum member came up with loads. They were a laugh. I don't mean horrible things; they were things like, 'Give him a mirror. He'll get so absorbed in worshipping himself that he'll forget to eat and drink, so he'll die of starvation and thirst.'
"I wish I could remember more of them. The person who wrote those things was returning to the forum after not being around for years, so he hadn't witnessed the drama between me and Psychopops before. But he seems to have been disgusted with him when I mentioned on the board what had happened, and I think he looked at old threads to read about some of it. So he started teasing him, since he decided he ought to be hounded off the board. Psychopops disappeared for a little while, so he thought he'd succeeded. He wrote a funny death story about him, that said things like:
"'Psychopops died last week when in a freak accident, his ego fell on top of him and crushed him, after someone tried to clean some of the smut off its bottom with a toilet brush. A memorial service & party was held worldwide with all of humanity in attendance. "'His Mother, addressing the crowds, said, "Losing someone is one of the most difficult things we can go through, and when Psychopops died, he was no exception; the sheer postage cost of sending God a big bouquet of flowers and a thank you note was enough to bankrupt me."
"'She paused to wipe a tear-stained cheque book before continuing, "My financial situation is now truly dire. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my loss."'
"We were disappointed when Psychopops decided to come back again. So I thought it would be fun to make up death poetry about him, things like:
"'I went to the funeral of someone who used to spout abuse
Who'd been hanged the day before with a golden noose
The priest picked up his coffin and flung it in the air
The funeral march was a conga and the atmosphere was like a fair
"'The whole neighbourhood turned out to dance and sing
"Ashes to ashes" said the priest, before cheering and joining in
There was dancing on his grave till the break of dawn
He'd been a pain to everyone since the day he was born
"'He came from and polluted an island in the middle of the sea
Where everybody strangely has the surname Flea
On his grave they wrote "Thank God he's gone"
And turned it into a bench for picnickers to sit on
"'Some people swear they've seen his ghost
Rising up from his grave to curse and boast
When it does it emits a terrible stench
The priest sprays a whole can of air freshener on the bench
"'Every year on the anniversary of his death the people celebrate
His grave is often plastered with messages of hate
The government have declared it a public holiday
People merrily let off fireworks and dance the night away.'
"Psychopops didn't like that! But I kept on making up more death poems. Actually, I began to find it addictive, and just couldn't seem to stop myself, even though I kept telling myself that every one I wrote would be the last one. I don't think the forum owner can have approved!
"I wasn't making them up for all that long, because the forum owner suddenly closed the forum down without warning. Maybe he was so disgusted by all the nastiness on it that he just couldn't stand it any more!
"Anyway, there were times after that, and before, when I did miss the fun me and Psychopops used to have. He'd given me an email address I could contact him on. But I knew it would just lead to trouble if I did, so I knew it wouldn't be worth it in the end. But I wanted to do something to replace the fun we used to have, since I wanted some entertainment back in my life. So I decided to amuse myself by making up stories about him. I ended up enjoying it. I'll tell you one of the funny stories I wrote if you like."
They said they would like that, so Jessica did. She said:
"Here goes then: 'Psychopops was born in a far-off country just over twenty years ago. The day after his birth, a vicious civil war broke out in his country, that raged on and off almost till the present day. He claims he didn't start the war; but the fact of it starting so soon after he came on the scene seems a bit suspicious. Just a strange coincidence?
"'As a member of one of the richest families in the country, he had servants. He used to enjoy ordering them around. He would tell them what to do, and immediately it would be done for him. He was very proud of himself at being able to have that effect on people.
"'Unfortunately, he came to assume he was entitled to order everyone around, and command instant obedience from them, not just his servants. So when he grew up a bit, he started treating women the way he treated his servants. He would sometimes just go up to one on the street and say things like, 'What's the matter with you, you dumb idiot! I know you'd love me to kiss you and hold me in your arms! But it won't happen unless you pluck up the courage and ask me to, because I despise timid girls! So go on! Ask! Or getting me to hold you in my arms will always just be a dream for you, just like it is for all the other lovelorn bitches who I know would love me to do that to them!'
"'He would say that to women regardless of whether they had any feelings for him or not. If a woman paid him any attention of any kind, or even just glanced at him as he walked past, he assumed she must adore him.
"'If that's what having servants does to you, perhaps it should never be allowed!
"'When Psychopops was about 12, his parents sent him to Britain to get a good education, so he could help further their plans of world domination. Unfortunately, at first he suffered from insecurity, because some people teased him because he wasn't very good at the language. But he soon learned to master the problem, by beating up anyone who teased him. He was so good at that that other thugs in the school came to admire him, and they started hanging around together, and going out to nightclubs, where if they couldn't seduce women with the speed that their impatient natures demanded, they would decide to start a fight for fun, and turn the dance floor into something more like a football hooligan's dream. Whole nightclubs were often evacuated because of that. Psychopops prided himself on the achievement, thinking that dominating the nightclubs was an encouraging first step towards dominating the world, which he'd decided he could do all by himself, without his parents' help at all!
"'Psychopops learned to speak English remarkably well, and when he went back to his home country, it was an advantage in helping him get a job, though just why it was is unclear, because he got a job as a DJ who broadcast to people who only spoke his own language. In time, women mobbed him when he went out, all dreaming of escaping their lives of drudgery in the fields and sweatshops, pining after the life of luxury they assumed they'd get if they got with him. As if he hadn't been proud enough of himself before, he became even more pleased at what he thought of as his amazing ability to attract women!
"'He was given adoration every day of his life. He had contempt for those who adored him though, because they paid so little heed to the fact that he was an aggressive abusive person; although to be fair to them, he did try to keep that hidden on the radio, so it's not surprising they didn't find out he was like that till they got to know him.
"'Failure is somehow more shameful to him than leaving the trail of emotional distress he's left after all his seduction successes, where he's sometimes cajoled women into inviting him home and going to bed with him, and then woken up flushed with victory as the dawn has broken, and crept out, writing a note on the bedroom door that says, "You've been played. Bye bye".
"'But once while he was doing that, the "chick" he'd seduced woke up and asked why he was writing on her bedroom door. She turned the light on and read, "You've be".
"'"You've be?" she asked. "Is your grammar really that terrible?" She concluded she'd been foolish indeed to have allowed such an ignorant klutz to seduce her, and dumped him on the spot.
"'He went to his failure shed, which is a place where he tries to work out what he did to deserve to be dumped, in a special way, which I'll explain:
"'The abuse he poured out in his communications with Jessica was just the standard abuse he showers on women who fall for his charms. But he's trying to work out a mathematical formula for how much abuse he can get away with without putting a woman off him. Sometimes he wants to stay with women for a lot longer than one night. He has a big black book on a table just inside the front door of his house called "The Big Black Book of my Seduction Successes". Every page contains boasts about how this or that woman fell for his charms and was seduced by him. The book's huge. But sometimes, though he won't admit it, women have managed to dump him before he's managed to dump them and move on. He's infuriated by this, and feels sure he can stop it happening if only he can work out the mathematical formula for what percentage of the time he can abuse them and what percentage of it he has to be nice to them to keep them.
"'The country Psychopops lives in has several jungles in it, and there's one near his house with the exotic name the Sinners-private-haven Jungle. Psychopops has a little shed tucked away secretly on the edge of that, which contains another black book called "The Little Black Book of my Seduction Failures". No one has ever been allowed to see it. As well as the book, the shed's chock-full of papers Psychopops has done his calculations on, about how much of the time he can get away with being abusive to a woman and still keep her interested. They say things like:
"'"Sharon left after three weeks where I was abusive to her a total of 28 % of the time. I tried being abusive to Susan only 14 % of the time to see if she'd stay six weeks, but she left after only two. Maybe the difference was made by the level of my voice; maybe shouting at 80 decibels would be tolerated, whereas 92 decibels isn't."
"'He tries to make his calculations as precise as he can, to work out the correct formula for keeping a woman with him till he himself wants to dump her. Unfortunately, no matter how precise his predictions are of how much abuse a woman will tolerate, he has the habit of getting carried away and being far more abusive than he intended to be. Once he starts, he finds it hard to discipline himself to stop. So his calculations go right out the window. But undeterred, he'll go back into his shed after she's left and factor what's happened into new calculations. He'll write things like,
"'"That bitch left me after three days, where I'd been abusive 17 % of the time. 5 17s are 85. If I'd been abusive 85 % of the time, would she have left me five times sooner? Or maybe it would have been 15 times sooner or something. There's something quantum about these numbers; they don't go in straight lines but jump around. I can be abusive for 27 % of the time at 89 decibels to someone who'll stay with me for four days, and just as abusive to the next bitch who'll stay for 56. How can I make proper calculations when the numbers jump around unpredictably like this!"
"'He's still having problems with the calculations. But he's determined to one day work out what's the maximum abuse he can get away with without putting a woman off him, even if it takes him years! He probably thinks life for him would be a mere shadow of its former self if he had to content himself with dishing out any less abuse than the maximum he felt sure he could get away with.'
"That's one story I wrote about him anyway. Writing stories about him turned out to be a really good substitute for being entertained by him. It probably stopped me missing it as much as I might have done otherwise. There was the odd occasion when I was tempted to get back in touch with him because I missed the fun we'd had. But I didn't.
"Actually, I remember hearing someone on the television once saying she'd split up with her abusive boyfriend, and she missed him sometimes and was tempted to try to get back with him, but she kept managing to put herself off the idea, because she wrote down a lot of the cruel things he'd said to her and stuck them on her walls, so she read them when she missed him, to remind herself what he was really like. There have been times when I've thought it would be nice to be playful with Psychopops again, but then I've read some of the horrible things he said to me on the forum, and it's reminded me of just how horrible he could be. It's interesting how it's easy to remember some things about a person more than other things, so you can start thinking they were nicer than they really were, or more horrible than they really were.
"Anyway, I'd never have believed I could have got fond of a person who said nasty things like he said to other people on the board before we started being playful with each other. I think it was an interesting experience though, because it showed me how easy it must be for women to get into abusive relationships sometimes, if the abusive men start out by seeming to be extra considerate and respectful and flattering to them and fun to be around. And it seems it's easy to ignore warning signs of what they're really like. I mean, some time before we started being playful with each other, Psychopops said something horrible about how one of the forum moderators ought to bash his baby's head against a parapet and fling him over it, to save the baby from the shame of later being bullied for having a father like him, or something like that, and it just didn't occur to me that he might one day start saying really horrible things to me. Well, I'd half-forgotten he'd said it by the time we started being playful with each other.
"I actually heard someone once say that if you start dating someone, and you notice he's saying abusive things to some people, or he's saying nasty things about them, then if the relationship lasts a while, within maybe six months or so, when the first romance has worn off a bit and he's taking it for granted that you want to stay with him more, and he's found things about you that he thinks would be fun to pick on, or that kind of thing, then he'll probably start saying things that are just as nasty to you. So even if you think what he says is funny when he makes fun of other people, and that kind of thing, it's worth bearing that in mind.
"I actually had a relative - well, an adoptive one, - who got into an abusive relationship. She actually broke up with someone two weeks before they were due to get married, because she'd met this other man she was really attracted to. Maybe he seemed really charming and exciting or something. No one else liked him, but she insisted on marrying him. But he turned out to be a control freak, who insisted that she work during the day as well as at night to earn enough money so he could live it up. She started drinking and taking drugs to try to stay awake for that long, and so she could cope with him better, and she started shoplifting to pay for them, and getting some of her kids into shoplifting to help her. Her and her husband got divorced in the end, but her health really suffered, and after a while she died.
"I'm really not sure what she saw in him in the first place. I couldn't have asked her, because I was too young to know much about it till after she died. Her sister told me she was always a bit disturbed and not a nice person growing up, so maybe that helps to explain why she'd dump someone two weeks before they were due to get married for this supposedly exciting new man.
"But I think that kind of thing shows that it's worth getting to know someone pretty well before you start going out with them! I mean, I'm not saying I think everyone's in danger of anything that dramatic happening to them. Not at all! But still, you just never know what might happen! I think it's possible there would be far fewer upsetting relationship break-ups if a lot of people got to know each other better before they started going out with each other, so they'd be more sure about whether they were really compatible. Mind you, sometimes it might be ages before you really find that out; I mean, Psychopops was nice to me for quite a long time before he suddenly turned nasty. Having said that, he was nasty to other people right from the start, so I suppose that could have been a warning sign.
"I'm really glad I only met him on a forum. If I'd met him in person instead, I wonder if I'd have got just as fond of him as I did on the forum, even though he said horrible things to other people. I suppose I might have even started going out with him, only for him to get really abusive to me later! It didn't bother me much when it was just on the forum, but if he'd started saying the kinds of things he said to me when I'd actually got to care about him a lot, and assumed he must care about me since we were going out together, I can imagine it would have been quite upsetting. And then goodness knows what would have happened when I wanted him out of my life!
"I think even if I hadn't started going out with him, he would have been a menace to be around, especially since he kept interpreting just ordinary signs of friendship as desperate attraction, or something like that! He once told me that if we knew each other in person and he asked me to sleep with him and I refused, he wouldn't take it out on me in person, but he'd just damage my property, - like if I had a vegetable garden, he'd trample all over it. It seems he must have thought I'd think, 'Oh that's allright then!' He used to say he wouldn't stoop so low as to hit a woman. He didn't have the same kind of problem with hitting men, judging by a couple of things he said to and about forum members he didn't like! But I wouldn't have wanted to know him even if he only vandalised my property when he wasn't getting his way, instead of vandalising me!
"Actually, I wonder though, whether someone higher on that psychopathy scale than him would have been more likely to have hit women in person. Or maybe he was lying when he said he wouldn't, and he would really. Mind you, I don't even know if he was a real psychopath. He might have been just a nutter or a troll or something! Mind you, I could put his behaviour down to just trolling if it wasn't for the way he treated his girlfriend in real life, making her cry, and shouting abusive things at her, and that kind of thing. I did wonder whether that had really happened, or whether he was making it up; but later when he was trying to be nice to me to persuade me to be playful with him again, I asked him if it had really happened, and he told me it really had. He said they'd broken up not long after that, but that it hadn't had anything to do with me."
The student who'd been talking about the traits of psychopaths before Jessica had started telling her story said, "Well, whatever he was, he doesn't sound like a nice person! Actually, you know I was talking about brain scans of psychopaths once? I wonder if anything abnormal would have shown up on a brain scan that was done on him!"
Jessica grinned and joked, "Oh I expect so. Maybe they would've found his brain was full of mould, or infested with flies that crawled in through his big ears or something. Or maybe the scan would show up little teeth marks all over it and little mice all running around the bottom of the inside of his skull, gnawing on what was left of his brain for food. Maybe they would have all crawled into his massive big mouth and found their way to his brain while he was asleep ... if they could stand the cringe-making noise of his probable chronic snoring. Maybe mice don't mind snoring. Mind you, maybe they'd have to be brave to crawl into his mouth, because from a distance, maybe they'd think his snoring sounded like a massively obese cat purring."
The students chuckled. But one of them said, "I don't think cats purr louder and louder the more obese they get."
Jessica said, "No, well maybe his snoring would sound like a pneumatic drill then, or like lorries driving over the ground where they had their family mouse holes."
One of the group grinned and asked, "You claim you didn't sleep with him. How would you know he snores then?"
Jessica joked, "I did say 'probable' snoring. But You know how it is: Sometimes you hear someone snoring, and you assume it's someone in the next room, when really it's someone halfway around the world, who's snoring so loud you can even hear it from where you are!"
Then one of them said, "You mentioning cats reminds me of something I heard on the radio once: A reporter who'd been in war zones said she'd interviewed war lords who were probably psychopathic because they'd ordered the killing of loads of people, but it was puzzling, because then you'd see them with pets like cats, talking about how much they loved them."
The one who'd brought up the subject of psychopaths' brain scans earlier said, "Maybe they do it just because they think it gives them a good image. Anyway, I was talking about the traits that psychopaths have earlier, wasn't I. Well, apparently, these subclinical psychopaths I mentioned tend to have more charm than full-blown psychopaths when they put their minds to it. Hey, I've just thought! I hope there aren't any of them on our course! Maybe one's sitting in the group with us right now!"
The student who said that blushed as she said, "... I'm not thinking of anyone in particular! ... Actually, if I had to guess, I'd say it's unlikely that one of us is one! None of us seem to fit the description, from what I know about them."
Jessica said, "It's not always easy to tell what someone's really like for a while though. I've made mistakes in my opinions of other people besides Psychopops. Well, I'm not saying I think someone here might be a psychopath - I'm pretty sure I know everyone here well enough to be sure of that.
"But I've been surprised by what I've found out about a few people on forums. Not long after I started talking to Psychopops, I joined this other forum, and there were a few people I liked better than the others and decided I wanted to be forum friends with. One was someone who seemed to be fun, and who said some things I thought showed some sensitivity to other people's feelings, like there was a thread he started about some women often not feeling like having sex with their husbands, and he asked why anyone thought it was fair to blame a woman for that, when maybe the husband was fat and ugly and crass, or he had bad habits or something, so why should she find him attractive? I thought it was nice of him to think of things from the woman's point of view.
"One day, he started this thread about how he was unhappy that he couldn't find a girlfriend. He said he'd been on a dating site for years, but no one seemed to be interested in him. He asked how much longer he should try to find a date on it before he started going to prostitutes instead.
"I think women often get loads of men contacting them on dating sites, so they're kind of spoiled for choice, or can afford to be picky, or it would simply be impossible to find the time to go on dates with everyone.
"But anyway, I felt a bit sorry for this man, and me and a few of the others tried to think up ways he could make his dating profile more interesting, to increase the chances of women getting interested in it.
"But not all that long after that, he started a thread that upset some people, saying he didn't see why all paedophilia should be thought of as wrong, because only some of it was obviously harmful. He said he wouldn't do anything sexual with kids himself, but he didn't see why people should object to people who do sexual things with them that aren't bad enough to physically hurt them.
"I was a bit shocked by that! I thought, 'Why do I keep making the mistake of liking people who turn out to be horrible? What's wrong with me? Why am I so bad at judging people's characters?'
"But I hadn't noticed anything before then that gave any clues that he had that kind of point of view, although I realised I should have thought of it as a possible bad sign when he asked that question about how long he should try dating for before he went to prostitutes instead. I think I didn't take any notice of it because I liked him, whereas if I hadn't, I might have thought something like, 'Do you mean you're trying to date women just because you want to have sex with them, not for their personalities or anything, so prostitutes will make an adequate substitute for girlfriends if you can't find one?' Something like that.
"Anyway, I felt a bit bad that I'd been trying to help him get a girlfriend, when if I'd succeeded, and she'd had kids, what if he'd decided it wouldn't do any harm if he did a few sexual things with them? Hopefully he never would; but what if? Since he said he didn't see any harm in some kinds of sexual activity with children, what if he wasn't quite telling the truth when he said he'd never do any himself, or what if he was kidding himself, and in reality he'd get more tempted the more he was around them? I decided I shouldn't have tried to help him find a girlfriend, because what he said about having to resort to prostitutes if he couldn't find one made it sound as if he just wanted a girlfriend for sex, not as a valued companion and so on. He might not have done at all; but that was just the way it sounded to me.
"And there was another man on the forum, who seemed to be a bit weird in some ways, and he whined a bit about being too ugly for women to want him, and then started saying he thought it would be great if only it was acceptable for men to have romantic loving sexual relationships with children. I thought, 'Yuck!' I mean, a child isn't really going to understand what's going on, or what the risks are, if a man starts getting sexual with them! It's a horrible irresponsible thing to do!
"I think some paedophiles might justify what they've done by saying the children consented. But children can't give informed consent; they haven't got the knowledge or experience to take into account what the long-term consequences might be, or whether they might be hurt by what happens; they rely on adults to guide them, and I think they can assume adults know what's best for them, because I expect most of them think of adults as authority figures who know better than they do about the way the world works, and their safety, and right and wrong and things. And besides, a lot of children who say yes will probably only be doing that because they're scared of what the abuser will do if they don't.
"I don't understand why anyone would think getting sexual with kids could ever be an acceptable thing to do. Children aren't there to be used for other people's pleasure; adults have the responsibility of teaching them how to be thoughtful and responsible and kind and caring to other people, and that kind of thing, so they're nice to be around; and part of that involves teaching by example - you know, children learn from what's going on around them, not just from people teaching them directly. So if you're just using them, or putting the needs you feel as if you have so far above theirs that you're disregarding any effects your actions might have on their physical or mental well-being, that's hardly setting them a good example! And it's not loving, not in the genuine sense of being caring. Abusers must only be thinking of themselves and what they think is going to make them feel good when they abuse children, not thinking about the child's well-being at all.
"This man who started that thread on that forum asking why all paedophilia's thought of as wrong and not just the worst things people do said he'd been to websites where there were child porn actresses saying that being introduced to doing sexual things with adults hadn't damaged them at all, so they didn't think there was anything wrong with it. This man said he thought that proved it was allright. But what if it just means they were saying what they'd been told to say by abusers, because they knew they'd be punished if they didn't? You never know, do you!
"Or even if they really did think it was allright, that doesn't mean they'd still be thinking it was allright a decade on from then, when they maybe felt too slutty and dirty to deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone, or discovered they'd never be able to have children because of the long-term effects of sexually transmitted diseases they'd caught, or they felt bad about abortions they'd had, or they'd been initiated into more serious sexual activity like prostitution, and more and more demands had been made on them and they hadn't known what to do to get out of it, because the abusers bullied them more the more they tried, and they hadn't realised when they said on film that they liked doing porn acting that that had been the plan of the abusers all along, or something like that. How are children supposed to know much about the possible long-term consequences of what they're being asked to do?
"There was a social worker on the forum, who said she'd spoken to quite a few children who'd been sexually abused, who said they didn't want their abusers to be taken away and put in prison; they just wanted them to stop abusing them. The social worker took that as a sign that they were fond of them despite the abuse. Maybe it was. But I wonder if she was interviewing them on their own or with their abusers actually there in the room, in which case the children might not have dared say they'd like them to be locked away; or I wondered if sometimes it might have been because their abusers had told them what to say beforehand and they didn't dare disobey, or if their abusers told them horror stories about how if they got sent to prison, no one would be bringing money into the house and they'd all starve, or stuff like that. I don't know if she asked them questions to find out that kind of thing.
"But I think sometimes abuse victims might be fond of their abusers despite the abuse, if they're loving and kind towards them at other times. Some abusers might be genuinely kind and considerate sometimes, and some might act as if they are, deliberately to manipulate their victims into liking them too much to want to report them or anything."
One of the other students said, "I think abuse can really mess someone's personality up, especially if they're a child and an abuser's looking after them for years so they're abusing them for a long time. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse, but any kind of abuse. I think parents can damage kids for life by behaving in abusive ways. I know some people who've had depression and anxiety for years, and I wonder if they wouldn't have those problems if they hadn't been treated badly by their parents when they were growing up, like being yelled at and told they were unlovable a lot for no good reason, or being hit for little things, and that kind of thing.
"I actually read that some scientists are beginning to think there's at least one gene that can contribute to how depressed and anxious people who've been abused are in later life. But I think more research probably needs to be done to find out how much effect genes really have, if they really do have any, which is uncertain at the moment.
"But anyway, I think another problem with sexual abuse is that once children have got their heads full of sexual thoughts and feelings, they can sometimes start trying to act them out with other kids, if they think it's an OK thing to do, or abusing them in the way they've been abused, sometimes because they find out it feels really good to be the one with the power over someone else, instead of the one feeling powerless to stop what's happening to them. Or they can start sleeping around young, putting them at more risk of sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy than most teenagers are.
"Or they can feel stressed and scared and worried about what's going on, feeling bad a lot of the time because they're upset about what's happened and worried about what might happen next, but not knowing what to do about it. I think they can often have feelings of powerlessness and anger, and grow up with no confidence, feeling as if the world's a dangerous place.
"And it can mean they can't concentrate on schoolwork, because they're worrying about what'll happen next, or thinking about how they're feeling disgusted with themselves because of what's happened, especially if they feel as if it must be their fault, which they might do especially because abusers are often good at blaming them, such as by telling them they were behaving in a flirty way that was a come-on signal to them, by, say, experimenting with their mum's makeup, when all they were really doing was just innocently playing. And if any of the sexual activity gave them any pleasure, they can feel even worse about themselves, because they can think they must be perverts, say if their abuser's their dad or another close family member, when all their sensations really mean is that their bodies are reacting in the way bodies are programmed to react when they get that kind of stimulation, developing the mechanisms that'll help them if they get into a proper relationship with someone when they're grown up.
"But sexual abuse can actually ruin the relationships they can get into when they grow up, partly because any sexual activity they get involved in then might remind them of the abuse, so they start thinking of it, and that upsets them and ruins it.
"And I think they can have nightmares about what happened even years afterwards.
"And while it's going on, they might feel especially worried or depressed if they feel isolated, because they haven't been believed when they've told someone what's happening, or they worry they won't be believed if they do, so they don't know where to turn to for help. And all that worry can mean they can't concentrate on their school work, and might end up getting lower grades because of it; and if that happens all through school, they can end up doing badly in their exams, so they can't get such good jobs, so they might have a worse quality of life all their lives than they would have done if they hadn't been abused.
"And another reason they might not do well is because they can devalue themselves if they feel as if they've been devalued by others, believing they must be worthless if they've been treated with such disrespect, so they can think it's pointless to bother putting the effort into improving themselves or taking care of themselves.
"Another reason they can do badly at life is if the abuse leaves them feeling as if all authority figures don't deserve to be obeyed and respected, because they think they might all be capable of doing horrible things, or just because they've come to believe adults can't deserve to be thought of as authority figures who know better than they do about things after all, or because they can feel as if they've been seriously disrespected themselves, so they think disrespecting people is just part of life, so they don't see why they should respect other people; so they can think it isn't worth obeying teachers or the law, and get involved in committing offences, and end up getting in trouble.
"Or they might turn to drugs and alcohol to try to help themselves feel better, and have problems because of that, getting into crime to fund their habits, or having addiction problems.
"And there can be other bad effects as well."
Jessica said, "I read something interesting about the differences between childhood abuse victims who end up getting into drugs or crime or other things that ruin their lives, and those who manage to recover and make something good of their lives. It's been found that the ones who go on to be successful have had at least one person in their lives who's given them a lot of support and encouragement over the years, or someone who had a big positive impact on them for less time, - someone they could look up to as a role model and confide in, and do nice things with, who's given them hope for the future and ideas about ways of coping with life, and other things like that. Even just one person like that can help them go on to make something of their lives.
"And other things that help have been found to be having a belief that gives them hope that things can improve in the future, such as a religious belief that there is someone who cares out there. And also being taught problem-solving skills or having the imagination to think up some good ways of solving some problems has been found to help, since they can find it easier to move on after they leave home, not feeling so hopeless about life, because they've got more ways to cope with things. And there are a few other things that have been found to help too, like having learned to have - or naturally having - a talent for being able to make new friends and get on with people, and be assertive, so they can stand up for themselves well and make their needs clear, instead of feeling too awkward or timid to say what they want or whatever. I read that people are less likely to get depressed when they're confident and good at doing that.
"And I read that another thing that helps is when a person doesn't feel to blame at all for what happened, since that's one less thing for them to feel bad about, and they don't have to believe they must be a bad or stupid person for causing their abuse, so they can feel more confident about themselves, and that kind of thing. And I read that having a good sense of humour helps them cope with life as well.
"Mind you, talking of people blaming themselves for their abuse, it can often not be that simple for them to feel better if they stop. It's common for people to blame themselves, for quite a few reasons, such as thinking they should have done more to stop it, like telling someone about it sooner, or that they feel as if they must have done something to deserve it, because they've always thought that must have been why it was happening, partly because some abusers try to convince the children they're abusing that it's their fault in some way.
"Often when people realise they're not to blame after all, it can actually create even more emotional problems for them, because, as strange as it might sound, self-blame can be protective in some ways, because it can protect people from feeling the full emotional impact of realising just how much they were betrayed by someone who was supposed to care for them and protect them, or at least who was expected to respect them, instead of using and abusing them.
"Children who are abused can be especially prone to blaming themselves, because they can't understand why an adult, who they expect to know better than themselves about what right and wrong is, would do something that upset them if it wasn't because they deserved it, especially if the adult is someone who usually punishes them for doing something wrong. They try to make sense of what's happening, as everyone probably does when something they don't like happens. And in the absence of information about just how corrupt adults can be, they can sometimes assume that an adult who does something bad to them must have had a good reason for doing it, like that they'd done something wrong that made them deserving of it.
"And that'll especially be the case if the adult who's abusing them tells them they've done something wrong that's the reason they're abusing them, such as if they tell them they've made themselves look seductive by doing handstands where their knickers were showing, or even that they know they've been thinking some bad thoughts about some people. Children can respect adults enough to assume they're right.
"And if they got any pleasure out of any sexual activity that happened, they can be disgusted with themselves and think it means they must be a low-life who could even get pleasure from sexual activity with a close relative.
"So they can feel ashamed, and hate themselves for a long time. It can ruin their romantic relationships, because they're always worried that the other person will find out what a worthless person they really are. They can feel a lot of anger with themselves, which ruins their quality of life, and adds to their feelings of worthlessness.
"The trouble is that if they realise they're not to blame after all, other stressful thoughts can make them feel anxious or depressed. For instance, if they got into an abusive relationship because they didn't believe they deserved any better, thoughts about how to end the relationship can stress them out. And their anger can increase a lot when they realise just how much adults in their lives abused them without a good reason, and they can find it hard to deal with those feelings in a constructive way. It's not nice to feel feelings of rage all the time.
"And they can always have assumed they weren't worthy of good things, like good relationships or enjoyment in life, so they never bothered trying to make the best of life; but then when they stop blaming themselves for their abuse, they can look back on their lives and grieve for the good times they could have had if they hadn't had that attitude for all those years.
"So it can help if they find out before they stop blaming themselves that emotions like that can come on when they do, and research ways of dealing with them, or if they have an understanding confidante who can help them work their way through them till they don't feel so bad. A person's lucky if they've got someone like that though.
"But one reason people can blame themselves for their abuse is that people can forget that when they were a child, they didn't have the knowledge and wisdom about how they could handle things that they've developed since they got older. It can help them if they think about what they'd say to a child who's being abused who's the same age they were when they were abused about who's to blame for it. It can soothe their feelings of shame, because often, people who feel as if they were to blame would never blame someone else who was the same age as they were when they were abused. When people realise they wouldn't blame a child who's the same age as they were when they were abused, they can realise they can't have been to blame themselves for their abuse.
"In reality, as well as making excuses for their behaviour to the children they're abusing, abusers can make excuses to themselves to justify their abuse, like that the children probably won't remember it when they get older so it's OK, or that children actually enjoy sex, or that children's feelings don't matter. Sometimes, they can get drunk or drugged-up to overcome any qualms of conscience they might have, so they can feel free to just let themselves loose.
"I read that men who sexually abuse their children tend to have a very self-centred entitled attitude, where they think their own desires and emotional needs are the only ones that matter, and that their children are their possessions so they have the right to do what they like with them. It's the same with men who physically abuse their wives and children.
"The best parents will have standards about what they will and won't allow, but they're open to negotiation and compromise if their children can make a good argument as to why they should have a bit of leeway, such as if their parents prefer them to start their homework as soon as they've finished their tea, but the children would rather start a bit later on days when their favourite TV programmes are on, and the parents let them, as long as they complete their homework in time for them to go to bed at a reasonable time. Children of parents like that will grow up to be healthier than children of parents who just lay down the law no matter what, or parents who let them get away with whatever they want to no matter the consequences.
"But men who sexually abuse their children, like men who physically abuse them, tend to often be controlling. And they often manipulate their children by putting on an affectionate attitude to lure them into trusting them enough to do what they want. I read that a lot of studies have found that men who abuse their wives and live-in partners sexually abuse their children at much higher rates than men who don't abuse their partners. It's the same with physical abuse of children. They all tend to demand that their own needs be catered to in preference to anyone else's, and they can all be manipulative, using whatever tactic works to get their way, while often appearing charming to outsiders.
"But when abuse victims blame themselves for their abuse, it can leave emotional scars for years because of the shame they feel."
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