Chapter One (continued)
Some of Becky's Student Friends Discuss Psychopaths, Sexual Abuse, Anger Management and Other Things

The Students Discuss Anger Management Techniques

Then one asked seriously, "Does anyone know what the best anger management techniques really are though?"

One of the others said, "I read about some not long ago. I can't remember them all. And it's quite possible that not all of them will work for everyone."

She grinned as she quipped, "So if I tell you about one and you don't think it would work for you, there's no need to get angry; just wait, and then maybe one I mention later will help you more."

Then she said seriously, "But one thing is that if people are worried they might actually get violent if they get any more angry, or feel as if they might make an exhibition of themselves by bawling aggressively and saying things they might realise afterwards weren't a good idea to say, they leave for a while.

"Actually, I've heard that men often need a break in the middle of an argument, and just walk off to calm down.

"I've heard that the people they're arguing with will often be annoyed that they're walking out, and follow them because they want to carry on talking things through, or yell at them to come back, but that that's not really a good idea, since it'll just annoy them more, and they're likely leaving partly for the good of the person they're arguing with, because they know their anger's rising and rising, because arguments stir up angry feelings so they can get worse and worse the more an argument goes on, and they think that if it gets much worse, they might even lose their temper and get violent, or say things that are harsher than they would prefer them to be, or they might even feel as if they'll be putting themselves at risk of a stroke or a heart attack, because they can feel the adrenaline pumping round their body, and their heart beating really fast, and they might know they have high blood pressure already, so they might worry it's getting higher and higher the more they argue.

"So if you're arguing with someone who decides they need to leave in the middle, it seems it'll likely be better to say something like, 'OK, let's carry on this conversation by email once you've calmed down, or talk about it later', than to follow them and insist they carry on right there and then. Both people will probably talk more sense when they've calmed down so they feel like being more thoughtful anyway.

"I read that if someone feels like leaving in the middle of an argument because they know they'll be at risk of getting violent or something if they don't, but the person they're arguing with tries to follow them, or mocks them for leaving, asking if they can't cope with the argument or something, or does something else to try to make them stay there, it'll be best if the person who's finding it hard to cope with their anger just says something firmly like that it'll be best for both them and the person they're arguing with if they both calm down before carrying on the argument, and that it might be better anyway if it's carried on by email, when they'll both have more time to think about what they'd really like to say before they reply than they will when they're talking.

"Sometimes going out for a brisk walk, or just sitting somewhere to relax, can cool people's tempers quite a bit, or exercise that wears them out a bit, like a long swim or a run. It's best if they don't drive somewhere to get away though, since they'll find it harder to concentrate on driving if they've got angry thoughts racing around their heads, so they're more likely to have an accident."

One of the group said, "I've got a relative who used to shout a lot, but he had heart problems in his early fifties, and he seemed to mellow right out after that. I don't know if it was because his doctor told him he'd better make sure he didn't get angry too often or he might have a heart attack, or if he read things about how anger can increase the chances of a heart attack, or if it was because he retired from his job that could be annoying at times, so he stopped being so stressed, so he was calmer because of that, so it would take a bit more to get him angry, because he wasn't already worked up with stress, like he maybe was before quite a bit."

The person who'd been talking about anger management techniques said, "That's interesting. Another thing I read is that learning assertiveness techniques can help some people, so they become better at explaining what they want and standing up to people before not having what they think they need makes them angry.

"And another thing that can calm anger is if people think about things in a different way from the ways that normally make them angry. Like, for instance, if a person's driving, and someone speeds past them in a way that could have put them at risk, it's understandable if that makes them angry; but they might get more angry than they would have been otherwise if they start thinking thoughts like, 'What a stupid dangerous driver! Perhaps he's going so fast his brains couldn't keep up and got left behind on the road!' ... Well, no, actually, if you thought that, you'd probably stop feeling angry and want to laugh.

"But you know what I mean - if you kept thinking about what an irresponsible driver he must be, you might just get angrier and angrier, while you might cool down your anger quite quickly if you instead thought things like, 'He might be just a stupid driver, but maybe he's going faster than normal because he had a phone call just before he went out the door that delayed him, and he's late for a serious appointment now so he's rushing to get there on time. Or maybe he's just heard some upsetting news about his child being injured at school and he wants to get there as soon as he can to look after them. Or maybe he's got some other good reason for being in a rush.'

"... Actually, the angry person had better not think too many things, or they won't be concentrating on their driving, and then they'll be the one everyone's angry with, because they themselves will start driving dangerously, because they won't be paying attention! But you know what I mean.

"Maybe a better example is if a husband comes home, expecting his wife, who's been home all day looking after young children, to have cooked the dinner by a certain time, and he discovers it isn't made; he might get angry quickly if he just thinks something like, 'She knows I like my dinner at this time of day! She's just being irresponsible! She does this so often! She can't care about me that much if she doesn't bother making it at the time I like it done! Maybe she's been out gossiping with her friends all afternoon instead because she prefers doing that to making my dinner!'

"He might not have any evidence that she's just being uncaring and irresponsible; he might just let his suspicions give him thoughts that make him angrier and angrier.

"But he might get a lot less angry if instead, he thinks thoughts more like, 'I wonder why she didn't make my dinner on time. I'll have to ask her if she thinks she can plan to start making it earlier. Maybe the kids were playing up and she didn't get time to put it on earlier, or maybe she realised she was out of one of the ingredients and had to go out to get it; or maybe she just underestimated how much time it would take to make it. I'll have to ask her what the reason is. But it'll be nice if we can come to some agreement where we decide on a way to try and make it less likely to happen in future.'

"Or if someone's thinking over some stupid and annoying things one of their parents keeps saying to them, they'll get more angry if they think things like, 'Why do they have to say such ignorant things? I bet they're just saying them to annoy me! They're stupid!' than they will if they think things like, 'I wonder how they got to be like that. Maybe they were taught things like that when they were growing up, and never thought to question whether they were true. If they're going to carry on being like that, there are probably things I can do to stop it affecting me so much, like spending less time with them, or trying to change the subject once they start.'

"You know - a large part of what makes people angry is often probably the assumptions they make about things and the way they think about them."

One of the group said, "Those things sound like good ideas. I was having a bit of fun with the thought that things were just being done to annoy me the other day; every time something went a little bit wrong, like when I accidentally dropped a bit of chocolate on the floor, and accidentally knocked a bottle of liquid soap into the sink, I'd say, 'You're just doing this to annoy me, aren't you!', like, 'Soap bottle, you just did that to annoy me, didn't you! Don't try to deny it, because I know the truth!' 'Bit of chocolate, you just fell on the floor to annoy me, didn't you! You probably thought it would be funny to jump out of my hand, didn't you! I know what you're like!'

"And then I went to get something out of the fridge, and there was a smell of pasties in there. I'm not sure what was really causing it. I really like pasties, but I haven't got any. But the smell was making me want one. So I said to the fridge, 'You know I like pasties, don't you, and you're making that smell just to annoy me! I don't know what I'm supposed to have done to you to make you think I deserve to be treated like that, but you're just trying to irritate me, aren't you! I know you are!'"

Becky grinned and asked, "Was anyone listening at the time? And if someone was, did they say they were worried you were going a bit nuts or something, talking to bottles and chocolate and the fridge?"

They laughed, and the one who'd done that said, "No, I think I might have been a bit too embarrassed to do that with people listening!"

The one who'd been talking about anger management techniques said seriously, "Anyway, talking of food, I think sometimes when people feel irritable, all they really need to do is go and eat something, or go and relax for a little while if they can, since I think anger can come on more if a person's hungry or stressed. And I think sleep deprivation can deplete the body's resources so people can be less tolerant to stress so they can get angry more quickly too. So it'll be good if they can try to get a good night's sleep every night if they can."

Another student said, "I've heard that thing about how sometimes people can get irritable when they're hungry. Imagine if you got a job, and your boss yelled at you for some little mistake you'd made, and you thought he might just be getting angry because he was hungry, and said, 'Hey, why don't you go and have a chocolate bar, or a good meal! You'll feel better after that. This little mistake I've made isn't really a big deal; you'll calm down about it if you go and have something to eat.'"

The students giggled, and one grinned and said, "That probably wouldn't go down too well! But imagine if that boss was always yelling, and you were always recommending that he went and had a meal, and he always did that when you recommended it. Imagine how fat he'd end up getting!"

They laughed.

Then the one talking about anger management techniques said, "I suppose anger might be a good excuse to eat nice things sometimes. Maybe I could eat more sugary stuff and tell myself it'll help with any anger I have. Anyway, I've read that another anger management technique it might be possible to do sometimes is to think about predictable situations you know often make you angry that you'll be in again soon enough, and try to think through ways you can deal with them differently from the way you did before, and rehearse things you think you might be able to say or do that'll stop things getting too annoying.

"For some people, it might help to make a list of things that often make them angry, and go through the list trying to think up different ways of responding to each situation.

"One way it might be possible to do something different is if a person thinks of what emotions they have just before they get angry, and talk to the person who's bothering them about those; I mean, say if someone's often a passenger in their friend's car, and the friend often drives too close to the car in front, or too fast, or a bit recklessly or something, and it makes this passenger nervous, and worried they might have an accident. They might worry and worry for a bit, and then something happens that's the last straw, and they erupt in anger, yelling and insulting their friend about his terrible driving."

"One of the group grinned and said, "The friend would have to be very tolerant if he kept putting up with being yelled at like that, even if he was a bad driver!"

The one talking about anger management techniques said, "Yeah, well, maybe. But anyway, if the one who often gets angry thinks about how he normally feels before he gets angry, it might give him ideas about how he can talk to his friend and try to persuade him to drive better, without getting angry, because he could tell the driver about the feelings he has before he gets annoyed, to try to evoke his sympathy.

"You know, say if he brings up the subject before the driving's really got to him, and says something that might actually tug at the friend's heartstrings, ... if he's got any, or that might give him a qualm of conscience, or just make him a bit more thoughtful about what he's doing so he might be more likely to change his ways, - you know, if he says something like, 'I'm sorry I shout at you when you're driving sometimes; it's just that I'm worried about our safety; you know, it might only take a second's bad judgment to ruin our lives forever, say if you just got that little bit close to a car in front and it suddenly braked, and we rammed into the back of it because we were going way too fast to stop, and we ended up in hospital or something. I know you think you're too good a driver to let that happen. Maybe you are; but it would really really help my peace of mind, if nothing else, if you could have a go at driving more safely.'

"... I suppose a man might feel a bit uncomfortable about saying that, ... or at least some men might; I mean, it doesn't sound very macho, does it! But maybe they could think of ways to phrase that kind of thing that they'd feel comfortable with. And they'd be a lot better off if it had an effect than they would have been before; I mean, if their friend was driving badly before they got angry, and then they erupted in temper when they couldn't stand it any more, all their yelling would have probably stopped the driver concentrating on the road so well, so it might have made them drive even worse, and their safety would have been more at risk than it was before.

"So not getting angry can benefit the person who's making the big effort not to get angry, not just the people around them.

"Another example is if a boss keeps getting stressed because people who want things from his company expect him to meet deadlines to produce things, but his workforce often seem to go too slowly. His stress might often turn into anger, because he assumes they must just be being lazy, so he might shout at them a lot, but it might not seem to make much difference, so he might just end up more unhappy.

"But maybe things would change if he thought about how it was partly the stress making him angry, and instead of shouting, he one day explained to the workforce about how he was expected to meet tough deadlines, so it was important they did their best, and asked them if there were any problems that meant they couldn't work as fast as he thought was reasonable, and if they said yes, he organised a meeting for the next week to discuss them, and said he'd like the workers to list the problems and do their best to think of solutions to them that they could bring to the meeting, where everyone could discuss them and decide on the best ones.

"If there were problems that got solved, he wouldn't get so stressed and angry any more; and if he didn't get angry when he suggested the meeting, it might mean the workers had the confidence to come up with possible solutions, hopeful that they wouldn't just be shouted down. So the problem with them not working fast enough might get solved a lot more effectively than it would have been if the boss had just carried on yelling, hoping that would speed them up.

"... Of course, the workforce might really all just be lazy, in which case, it would be nice if the boss had the freedom to sack them all and replace them.

"Anyway, another thing that might help some people who get angry a lot tame their tempers is to imagine how different life could be if they didn't get angry about things. If they think they'd like life more if they weren't getting angry so often, it might help motivate them to want to put the work in to try to change their ways."

One of the group said, "It's interesting what can change people's attitudes sometimes: I heard someone complaining about how someone new had just been taken on where she worked, and she was expected to train her, but she'd been feeling irritated with her all the time, because she seemed so incompetent, not knowing much about the job, when she'd claimed she'd done something similar on her application form. That must have been annoying! But then she started thinking about how this person's ways reminded her of her dad in some ways; and that softened her attitude towards her, because she had some feelings of attachment to her family."

The others agreed that that was interesting. Then the one who'd been talking about anger management techniques said, "Another thing about anger management is that people who find themselves having angry outbursts can have a go at analysing them afterwards when they've calmed down, to see if they can work out what feelings or thoughts triggered off their anger, and what they could do differently when they come on again, such as partly by recognising the thoughts and feelings they have just before they get angry as warning signs, and doing something to divert themselves from thinking about them, or trying to reason with them to soothe them before their anger gets strong. Not that they'll have much time to do that, because anger often comes on pretty quickly.

"But if they were successful at changing their ways by doing things like that, it could really improve their relationships with people, like their children. I mean, if most parents were to think about it, they might realise that when a child of theirs does something they don't like and they get angry because of it, they can smack them harder or yell at them more aggressively than they really deserve, because their focus of attention is all on how they feel, like how angry they're getting, rather than on how bad what the child's said or done actually is, and whether the child likely intended to do something offensive or not, and what kind of reaction they really deserve. It's easy to over-react to things in the heat of the moment when people are carried along by their feelings. And it must be hard to get out of the habit.

"But if a person starts thinking about their reactions and what they could try to do differently from then on, it might help.

"So, say, for example, if a parent's just yelled at their teenage daughter who wants to go out for the evening with her friends, because they'd prefer she didn't, then when they feel calmer so they can think more clearly, they could try and think about what feelings or thoughts whizzed through their brains before they got angry that made them think they needed to yell. Maybe they felt under threat in some way; and if they reckon they did, they could ask themselves what they could have imagined they were under threat from. I mean, they might have had genuine concerns, like about their daughter's safety, or that she might stay out really late so she was sleepy in school the next day so she wouldn't do very well in class when an important exam was coming up.

"But sometimes it might just be that they thought it would be a really bad thing if they lost the argument so they lost control of the situation and the daughter got her own way, or something like that. If they realise the way they were feeling and thinking was something to do with that, they could maybe think to themselves, 'What exactly is it that's making me so angry about this? Losing the argument? Well that's probably something I can do something about. Surely it's within my power to think up logical reasons for my point of view, so when something like this happens again, I can try using persuasion instead of trying to intimidate my child into obeying me.'

"Or if they realise it was their ego or pride that felt threatened when they got worried about losing an argument with someone, they could ask themselves if it really would have been damaged all that much, since if they had lost the argument but they were sure they were right really, but it was just that they didn't have all the facts to hand while the argument was going on or something, then unless they were having an argument with someone they didn't speak to very often, they could bring the subject up later and express their point of view, maybe by email so they wouldn't feel put on the spot if the person argued back again.

"Communicating by email might be better anyway, since it means people can really think about what they want to say before they respond; and if their first instincts on reading what the other person's said are to insult them because they're annoyed because they feel insulted themselves, or they think what the other person's said is stupid beyond belief or something, they get the opportunity to wait before responding; and just waiting five or ten minutes might mean they've calmed down and don't feel like being insulting any more so they'll phrase the email they send back more politely; or it means they have time to think about whether it would really be a good idea to be insulting, considering the consequences they might have to put up with for some time afterwards if they are, and whether the risks of damaging whatever relationship there is between them are worth it.

"I mean, sometimes, saying something angry might feel good in the moment, but then be regretted for quite a long time, because the other person takes ages to forget it or something, and sometimes brings it up unexpectedly. So before sending an angry email, it's worth people asking themselves if it's really going to be worth possibly damaging the relationship, and whether what they feel like saying's really fair to the person on the receiving end of it anyway."

The Conversation Turns More Humorous for a While Again

One of the group said, "Hopefully that could help some people. But I think a lot of people actually like a bit of anger in their lives, because it makes them feel more perked up and alive, and less bored with life. Well, obviously it can have the opposite effect if it's too bad. But a little bit of anger can probably be invigorating for a lot of people, which might be one reason why there are so many arguments on Internet forums - they can perk people up, so I suspect sometimes some people want to have them.

"Sometimes forum arguments can be irritating or tedious though, at least for the one on the receiving end of someone's ignorant or repetitive abusive comments. But sometimes they can be fun, speaking from experience.

"I remember there was this annoying man on a forum I was on, who kept making stupid little insulting comments to me that didn't really seem to make much sense. I don't know why he did it. I was annoyed at first, but then I had some fun with it. One day I said, 'Oh, if only you had a special mirror, in which you could look and see how pathetic you sound. Yep, you'd look in it and see how you sound! Wow, a mirror like that would be an interesting novelty gift for anyone, wouldn't it.'

"The forum was full of insulting people really. One day someone new came along and started a thread introducing themselves. No one replied for ages. Then I posted a message, joking, 'There were 72 replies to your message an hour ago, but the moderators have deleted them all because they were all too rude for this place.'

"I had some fun on that forum. Mind you, I admit there was one time when I'd had some arguments on another forum that just irritated me, and I felt frustrated, and I took it out on someone else by arguing with him in a not-so-fun way to let off steam; and he didn't like it. Maybe a lot of people who argue on forums are really doing it because they want to let off steam and release tension that's built up because of things in their lives they're annoyed about; and other people become their targets after they say things they disagree with, and they're a bit nasty, and the other people don't like it."

The students were thoughtful for a few seconds.

Then the one who'd told them earlier about how she'd joked on a forum about how she was going to do a complex mathematical analysis of the ratings she gave another person's messages there before deciding whether to fall in love with them said, "I had a load of fun on that forum I was telling you about earlier. Some people did say things that often irritated me there, but it did perk up my adrenaline, and that somehow helped me get more creative and have more fun.

"Remember that forum user who I nicknamed Smut-Hound? He used to often say gross things to me, like, 'What colour are your panties?'

"He used to say worse things than that, and I thought it was annoying. But one day I collected a load of his smutty comments together and put them on the board, pretending it was a love song from him to me. Then afterwards I made a joke, a mock-pompous pronouncement that said,

"'While that was the sweetest, most beautiful love song anyone's ever written for me - in fact it's the only love song anyone's ever written me, I nevertheless considered, after much careful analysis of the lyrics and in-depth scrutiny of the impressively high moral standard of this forum's code of ethics, that, sweet and beautiful though the love song was, it wasn't quite appropriate for the sacred and noble nature of this forum. After all, it violated the honourable clause 6 in section 3 of the forum code of ethics, which stipulates that posts ought to be directed to the whole board, rather than to one member in such a way that the rest could feel left out. As it may be that the rest of the forum membership might have become jealous because the love song was directed solely to me, it was an obvious violation of sacred clause 6, so I have to ask for him to be banned; and thus, much as I regret to make this demand: Ban him! Ban him! Ban him!'

"There wasn't really a rule like that. I just made it up.

"And there was another time when the forum member I called Lowbrow Dog before was annoying me, although the insults were started by another forum member I'll call Pretentious Whiner. Goodness knows why anyone would choose a username like that for themselves; but he didn't; it's just my nickname for him.

"Anyway, he started the confrontation by responding to some joke I made by telling me that most people on the board thought my posts were just drivel. I doubted that was true, since I can't imagine him asking everyone on the board about their opinions of them before making that pronouncement. I didn't take his opinions seriously anyway. Not that it really mattered to me one way or another, since I was mostly only there for fun. But he was always accusing me of talking rubbish.

"Anyway, on the day of this confrontation, I replied to him, making another mock-pompous pronouncement, joking, 'So, Pretentious Whiner, you believe you can speak for "most" people here, do you? I need to inform you that you have committed a grave offence under this forum's regulation number 19.1 by saying that; and if you repeat the offence once more within the next 23.7 hours, your license to post here will be revoked.

"'You have also committed the grave offence under forum regulation number 33.4 of being repetitive - the regulation asserts that you must try to be creative in your responses and not say the same old things time after time. If you commit another such offence within the next 25.8 hours, again, your license to post here will be revoked.

"'Most serious of all, you have committed the especially grave offence under forum regulation number 5.1 of responding without any signs of a sense of humour, or of being able to discern the humour in what you're responding to. Since this is a particularly serious offence, if you commit another such offence within the next 3.9 hours, a high-level meeting will be convened to discuss the issue, and not only will your license to post on this forum be revoked if the management see fit, but your name will be put on a blacklist of humourless people and sent around to hundreds of forums on the Internet, and you will be blocked from all of them.'

"Pretentious Whiner replied by just burping out something vulgar or something, and I replied by joking, 'How dare you respond with a post that breaks almost all the forum regulations there are! It lacked creativity; it lacked humour; it didn't further the discussion; and it violated a number of other forum regulation clauses. If you repeat the offence, you may be reported to the IRIF, - the International Regulator of Internet Forums, and singled out for special ridicule, as befits the enormity of your offence, and be given a ban from all Internet forums forthwith, to last for as many years as they see fit.'

"Lowbrow Dog replied, with just an emoticon which was a picture of a toilet or something. I joked, 'Another clause in that regulation asserts that you must never respond to a post simply by using an emoticon, since that is most certainly below the level of creativity required on this forum. You yourself are in danger of being penalised within approximately the next 17.9 hours if you repeat the offence.'

"Another forum member, who actually liked me, joked, 'No, no, no dear. 13 year olds are exempt from that rule. Don't say I never stuck up for you Lowbrow Dog!'

"Lowbrow Dog wasn't really thirteen at all; he was in his twenties.

"... Actually, that story's probably funnier for people who know just what a trashy dump that forum was, with so many people insulting each other it was like a playground piled high with smelly litter."

The students grinned.

The Subject Turns to Anger Management Techniques Again

Then the conversation got serious again, as the person who'd been talking about anger management techniques said, "It sounds as if that forum must have been a hive of angry activity, mixed with some fun. Anyway, if you want to hear more about anger management, I'll tell you some more:

"For people whose anger's actually causing a real problem, for themselves or for other people, another thing someone who's just been angry can think about after they've caused a scene and they've calmed down, to help them try to react differently to things in future, is whether it wasn't the person who irritated them who got them so angry, so much as the mood they'd got into before they even met them, because of something entirely different, that they can think about handling differently in future; or they can resolve to try doing something to soothe themselves after it happens again, so they're less likely to get irritated by what people say to them afterwards.

"That might sometimes mean telling someone who wants to talk to them that they'd really prefer a break to unwind before they discuss something with them, since they'll feel better after some relaxation or enjoyment, say if a man comes home from work and his wife asks him how his day was, and she thinks she's being polite and showing interest in him, but it irritates him, because it suddenly brings to his mind all the stress of the day, such as how irritated he felt when the boss yelled at him or something, and memories like that annoy him all over again, so he gets irritable with his wife, and she decides that if he's in that mood, it'll be best if she doesn't bother saying anything much for the rest of the evening; so they don't enjoy themselves much.

"If he explains to her that he'd enjoy a break from having to think about work for a while when he comes in the door in future because thinking about it stresses him out, and that he needs a bit of time to just soothe himself to get over his day, she might understand that what he really wants is time to relax for a while after he gets in, and help him just unwind for a while from then on."

One student said, "That's if he realises it's the memories of work that are really making him irritable, and not just his wife. I think sometimes, people can think one thing must be causing them to feel bad, when really it's something completely different. I've heard a few people say they recently felt irritable with their husbands, and they just assumed it was their husbands' behaviour that was causing it, but then they realised it was other things causing most of it. One said she usually uses a light box in the winter to improve her mood, because she gets this seasonal affective disorder; and last year, she started getting grumpy in the late autumn, and she got moody with her husband; and he said, 'I think it's about time you started using your light box!' And she did, and she started feeling better. And then she realised it was the winter blues that had been making her grumpy, not really her husband.

"It's interesting that light isn't just something people need to see by, but it can help improve people's moods, and can stop them feeling sleepy too.

"Anyway, I read about another person who got annoyed with her husband one morning when they were having breakfast, and she thought it was because he was talking too much about trivial little things that weren't really important enough to care about; so she lost her temper with him and they started arguing. But when he'd left for work, she had a think about it, and she realised it hadn't really been him causing the problem, but that she'd just had other things on her mind that were making her angry and bothered before he'd even come down for breakfast, and she wasn't sure what to do about them, like a man she'd seen more than once watching porn on a computer in a library in front of kids. She got irritable with her husband for things she wouldn't normally have minded him doing. At the time, she'd felt sure it was him causing the problem though. It's probably an easy mistake to make.

"I think people can get angry with other people because something they've just done reminds them subconsciously of something that annoyed them in the past as well, but they don't realise that's what really triggered off their anger unless they really analyse things.

"Anyway, there was another woman who said she got irritable with her husband for talking when she wanted to be quiet; but afterwards she realised she was getting so irritable because she was trying to withdraw from some pain medication at the time, and she thought she might have tried to come off it too fast, and it was causing problems with her mood."

Another one of the group said, "This thing about people thinking one thing caused another one when really it was something else reminds me of something I heard: There was a man who went to America to give a series of lectures on something or other - I can't remember what now; but he said he was sitting waiting till it was time to give his lecture, and he was feeling a bit nervous. Then he noticed he was trembling. He thought, 'Wow, I really am feeling nervous about this!' But then he noticed the ground seemed to be shaking! And everyone else started noticing it too. It turned out that it was being caused by an earthquake! Thankfully not a very big one."

The students smiled.

Then the one who'd been talking about anger management techniques said, "Anyway, to tell you the rest of what I remember about anger management: Sometimes minor irritation can be soothed by doing something at the same time as the irritating thing, like if it's laborious work or something, such as listening to music you like. I've got some music I find soothing sometimes.

"Another thing is that sometimes, people get more angry than they need to about things because they can read meanings into what other people say that aren't necessarily there, so they take them the wrong way and think they're meant to be more insulting or hurtful, or that they're more ignorant, than they really are.

"For instance, if someone says they don't think much of an opinion someone else holds about something, the person who holds it might take what they say personally and think it's meant to be insulting, and that the other person must think they must be defective in some way if they hold an opinion like that, like that they must have bad judgment; so they might get angry about it, when really, all the person was doing was disagreeing with one opinion they hold.

"But anger breeds anger; I mean, once someone gets angry, it'll annoy the person they're angry with, so they might well get angry themselves, and if they don't understand why the person who got angry first is getting so angry with them, they might really start thinking they must be defective in some way. And their own anger will provoke the person who got angry first more, so they'll likely behave worse, and that'll just add to that impression.

"So it's really in the interests of the person who often gets angry without a good reason to try to change.

"Another thing that can make people feel irritable or angry a lot is if they're not really noticing good things that happen, so they think people are annoying for a greater percentage of the time than they really are, or that life's more gloomy than it really is.

"I've heard about parents of children who were often naughty, who did have a lot they were justified in complaining about, but when they were encouraged to look out for times when their children were doing good things and compliment them for them, they discovered more good things than they expected, so they realised things weren't quite as bad as they'd thought; and the children liked being complimented so their behaviour improved a bit, maybe because they wanted their parents to be pleased and compliment them more, and they felt glad to be doing something their parents approved of; and their better behaviour led to their parents complimenting them even more, and their behaviour improved more as a result, and the parents became nicer to them because they'd realised things were getting better; so everyone was pleased.

"It didn't eliminate the kids' naughtiness problem, which had to be dealt with in other ways; but at least some of the ill feeling they'd held towards each other before disappeared. And that might have meant the kids were at least a bit less naughty.

"I read that a lot of angry people could actually help themselves by doing more things to make themselves happy too, since quite a few of them feel a bit guilty about the way they treat people, so they don't think they deserve happiness, so they don't do as much as they could to make their lives happier. If they did more though, they might enjoy life more, so they wouldn't get so angry.

"Another thing though is that one reason a lot of angry people aren't as happy as they could be is because of the way they think about things, such as blowing things that annoy them out of proportion, so they're more annoyed than they need to be, and noticing things that go wrong far more than good things. I read some examples of that kind of thing in a book. It can happen if, say, someone has a couple of things go wrong in their lives, and they brood on them, thinking things are always going wrong in their lives, and getting angry about it, because they forget that for weeks, almost everything's been going right for them.

"Or a man might come home from work, and his little daughter might rush up to him and enthusiastically show him a picture she's drawn at school, hoping he'll admire it. But the first thing he notices when she's coming up to him is that she's got mud on her dress, and that makes him angry, and he snaps at her, 'You've got mud all over your dress! Why can't you ever stay clean?'

"The daughter might say, 'But Daddy, look at the picture I drew!' He might just glance at it and say, 'Yes, it's nice; but come on, we need to get you cleaned up', and then forget all about the picture. So he's missing out on what could be a happy time between them, because he only sees the one thing that's wrong, and just assumes it's the only thing that needs attention.

"Or one of his children might be in a sports team, and after he watches them, he only thinks about the mistakes they made, forgetting the things they did well, so he's more unhappy than he would be if he thought about those too, as well as making his child unhappy if he criticises them for the things they did wrong, without mentioning any of the things they did well.

"Another example of someone blowing things out of proportion and only thinking about the things that aren't right, forgetting the good things, is if a man has to go into his boss's office for a routine appraisal of his work, which the boss gives to everyone once a year, and the boss says that in most areas of his work, he's rated excellent, because his work's been really good, but in just one area, like relations with work colleagues, he's just rated average. A lot of people might ask why they're only rated average, and what they could do to improve, in the hope that that rating can one day be as good as the others; and they might be really pleased that at least the ratings for most of the things they did were excellent. But someone who always gets angry quickly might just get annoyed about the average rating, not really thinking about the other ones, or that average really isn't too bad.

"He might be told it's no better than it is because his work colleagues have said he isn't particularly nice to work with, because, for example, he doesn't seem interested in them, and he tends to get sulky if they criticise him or raise problems that might make a bit more work for him; so they often don't really feel like talking to him.

"Even though an average rating isn't really that bad, he might get upset and angry about it, not thinking to ask how he could improve his behaviour, but arguing with the boss, claiming that the problems are always the fault of the work colleagues. He might leave the boss's office feeling humiliated and angry. Then for the next few weeks, he might brood over it, feeling angry every time he thinks about it, wondering who it was who complained about him and how he could find out, and thinking of how he'd love to get revenge on them, perhaps by bringing up all their faults in front of everyone else, rehearsing in his mind how he could argue with them and put them down.

"So he's making himself miserable and more angry, while someone who normally had a more positive way of thinking would have gone away from the boss's office feeling really happy and encouraged that he'd been rated excellent for most things.

"And it might be even worse than that for the always-angry man, because he might suspect that the ones who complained about him must hate him; so during the next weeks, he might look out for any signs that they do hate him; and he might interpret any signs that they're avoiding him or critical of him as meaning they really do hate him. So he might get more miserable and irritable with them, so it'll put them off being with him even more; and he might interpret the fact that they're avoiding him even more as confirming his suspicions that they don't like him; so things might settle into a permanent pattern of them avoiding him and him avoiding them, that makes him permanently miserable. So really, he's spoilt his life just because of the way he thinks about things.

"And the author of the book that gave that example said that the way we think about things can actually influence the way we feel about them; so if we forget the good things that are happening and just brood on the bad ones, or ones that we imagine are worse than they really are, we'll actually end up feeling angry or depressed. Or to give another example, if someone starts mulling over why they're not as successful as other people in life, they might end up feeling inferior to them, even if it's not really true that most other people are much more successful than them, but it's just that the person's forgotten about the things they've done successfully.

"But the author says that when feelings are stirred up, people can interpret them as meaning there must be something seriously wrong, not realising that they're only having strong feelings because they stirred them up by all the self-pitying and angry thinking they were doing."

The Students Talk About Bad Moods and What Might Sometimes Stop Them Getting Worse

One student said, "That reminds me: The other day I heard a talk about something I thought was quite interesting, and when it finished, I realised I was kind of in a dreamy mood. But then I went and did something else, and while I was doing it, I started wondering how to answer if someone asked me a question I thought they might ask me about something I'm not happy about. But when I thought about how I'd probably answer, I naturally started thinking about the thing that was bothering me itself. After a few minutes, I suddenly realised I was feeling a bit depressed, and thought, 'That's strange, my mood's changed really quickly.'

"Then I realised that if I carried on thinking about what I was thinking about, I was going to end up feeling worse. The thing is that it wasn't as if it was something I needed to think about; it started out being something it was worth thinking about, but then my train of thought started going over old stuff I wasn't happy about, that there wasn't really any point in thinking about. My thoughts were just the same kind of thoughts I'd had quite a bit before.

"When I realised what was happening to my mood, I stopped thinking those thoughts and got on with something else; and I immediately felt allright again.

"So I wondered if it might be a good idea for people who want to stop themselves getting in so many bad moods if they often stop to think about the effect the thoughts they've just been having have had on their mood, and whether those thoughts have been worth having. Then if they think their thoughts haven't been worth having, and they notice they've made them feel a bit down, they can go and do something that'll get them thinking about something less depressing before their mood gets worse.

"I mean, obviously there are some depressing thoughts that people need to have, - you know, like the thought of how much revision we're all going to have to do to pass our exams; if we didn't think about that because it's depressing, we might never bother doing any, so we'd fail! So obviously we need to think about some depressing things.

"And there are some thoughts that might make us sad that probably aren't really worth having, but we may as well have them because they probably won't ruin our mood for the day, like, you know, if you read a sad news story, people might think you were a monster or something if you immediately said, 'Oh well, I mustn't let myself get depressed', and started making jokes or something! And it probably would mean there was something wrong with you if you did that. And I don't suppose it does anyone any harm to think about sad things for a while every now and then.

"But I'm just thinking about things like trains of thought that are just raking over the same old stuff, when there isn't any point in thinking about it."

One student said, "It must be easier to stop your mood getting that bad sometimes than it is to get out of a bad mood once you're in one, especially if part of the cause has to do with some really bad stress, or a hormone imbalance, or chemicals or something. I've heard that some drugs can sometimes cause depression and anxiety if they're taken often, like cannabis and ecstasy and cocaine. So maybe a lot of students think they're depressed and anxious because of things like the stress of having to revise so much for exams, when it's really the effects of drugs they've often taken that are causing it.

"And then I think alcohol can do bad things to some people's mental health if they drink it often, like making them more depressed and anxious."

Another student said, "I heard someone say she was recovering from the flu once, when she started feeling really depressed, and even started having thoughts of suicide; but she knew it wasn't like her, so she wondered if it could be something to do with the effects the flu might have had on her brain; and she asked some other people if they knew if the flu could make people feel depressed, and one said they thought it could, and they thought it was because for a little while afterwards, it can cause a bit of inflammation in the brain that alters the brain chemistry, or its efficiency at sending signals around itself, and that can affect the mood, or something like that."

One student said, "I had the flu or something last winter, and afterwards, I felt sleepy for quite a few days. When I thought I'd recovered, I decided to try to get quite a bit of work done one day; but not long after I started, I felt sleepy again. I got all discouraged, and thought I wouldn't be able to do the work after all. So I was fed up, and I just moped around comfort eating for a while. But I didn't feel sleepy any more that day after the first time; so I realised that what was stopping me doing my work was actually me feeling fed up, not me being too sleepy. So then I thought, 'I might have got quite a lot more done if instead of assuming I'd be drooping around feeling sleepy for ages, just because I did earlier, I'd thought to myself that since I was getting better, maybe I wouldn't feel sleepy for as long as I had before, so after drinking a cup of coffee or something, it would still be worth having a go at working again.'"

One of the others said, "I had flu a few years ago, and I thought I was better, and someone made me this big omelette with potato and other things in it, saying I needed to build up my strength again. It was really nice. But my stomach started hurting the way it had before after I ate it! Not for too long though, thankfully. But it made me think I should probably have waited a few more days before having a big meal."

The Conversation Turns Humorous Again

The conversation turned more light-hearted, as Becky told the others about funny quotes and a joke she'd read on websites where there was some humour about dieting.

She said she'd read that someone called Orson Welles had once said, "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

And she said she'd read a quote from someone called Andy Rooney that said, "The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook."

She told a joke she'd read , saying:

"A woman was really overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. The doctor said, 'I want you to eat normally for 2 days, then skip a day, and do the same as that for 2 weeks, eating for two days and then skipping a day.'

"When the woman came back, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 20 pounds.

"The doctor said, 'Wow, I'm impressed! Did you follow my instructions?'

"The woman nodded to tell him she had, but said, 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day.'

"The Doctor looked puzzled and Said, 'From hunger you mean?'

"The woman answered, 'No, from Skipping.'"

One of the students said, "I don't like the fact that it's a woman doing the silly thing. How about we make that joke about a man."

Becky joked, "Allright then, if you really feel that way, how about going one better: The Doctor can go to the Woman for advice, and She puts Him on a diet and tells him what to do, and He's the one who misunderstands the instructions."

The students smiled.

Then Becky told them about another quote, an anonymous one as far as she knew, that said, "I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!"

Another one she'd found that was attributed to an anonymous person went, "Those who indulge, bulge."

And another one said, "Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends."

Those gave the students a chuckle. And they enjoyed some more quotes that she found too:

One apparently anonymous one said, "A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit."

Another one said, "Dieting is wishful shrinking."

Another said, "Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths." And yet another apparently anonymous one said, "I'm in shape. Round is a shape… isn’t it?"

One student grinned and joked that he wasn't surprised that that quote was anonymous.

Becky said that another anonymous one said, "We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it."

One student grinned and said, "I suppose if it's anonymous, the country it's talking about is anonymous too. ... Still, I reckon I can guess which one it's talking about."

Becky said another quote, by someone called Marie Mott, said, "I bought a talking refrigerator that said 'Oink' every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops."

"I've heard of talking fridges that tell you you're a pig when you open the door," said one student. "You'd want to throw the food over it after a while, wouldn't you!"

"Well that would be one way to get thinner," laughed another student. "Perhaps that's the idea: You end up not eating the food whether you change your mind and shut the door or sling it all over the place."

They laughed.

Becky said another quote, by someone called Jennifer Greene Dun, said, "I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat, it breaks out into fat."

And she said another one, by someone called Peter De Vries, said, "Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us."

The Discussion Turns to the Topic of Anger Management Again

Not long after that, things became serious again, as the one who'd been talking about anger management techniques said, "Maybe food cravings are a bit like angry impulses in a way; if you act on them immediately when they happen, they can lead to unhealthy behaviour; but if you wait a little while, they can quickly die down quite a bit. Well, at least I hope they do. So when it comes to angry impulses, maybe if a person feels a sudden flare-up of anger, say when they read something someone's said to them that annoys them, sometimes, if they realise the impulse will make them over-react if they let themselves just be carried along by it, they could just decide to disregard it, and it'll quickly die down; so then when they react, maybe even just seconds later, or just minutes later, they'll be reacting in a better way, not blowing things out of proportion like they might if they say things while their anger's at its worst.

"Anyway, another thing the book I was talking about a while ago said was that angry people can be quick to blame other people when things go wrong, or blame themselves for being stupid or some other uncomplimentary thing. Blaming others can cause arguments and can lose them friendships; or if they blame themselves, it can make them down-hearted.

"Thinking of things another way can avoid all that, if instead of having all their thoughts concentrated on who can be blamed, they discuss with people or think through how to prevent things like what went wrong from ever happening again, if it's possible. That might sound as if they'd be letting the person who's responsible for the bad things happening off being given a good talking-to, in cases where it really wasn't the angry person's fault; but it's not really as simple as that, because it can be easy to blame people for things that were really accidents or mistakes, or only partly their fault, or else things they didn't know any better than to do, besides things the angry person's either fully or partly responsible for themselves really, but they don't want to admit it. So unless it's a case of someone being downright negligent or deliberately nasty, it can just make more sense to talk about how to try to change things, instead of arguing about whose fault the problem was.

"Blaming and accusing other people of things can sometimes be related to misinterpreting people's motives, sometimes because people can assume other people have done things they didn't like because they're more hostile to them than they really are, rather than for accidental reasons, or because things they did were meant in all innocence, but aggravating meanings were read into them when they weren't really there.

"An example in the book about how misinterpreting things in that way can make people angry or miserable is about a man who used to go on a golfing weekend once a year with his work colleagues, but he stopped after a couple of years, because he felt self-conscious about his golfing skills not being as good as everyone else's on the trip. So he always turned down their invitations to go golfing after that; but after that had happened for a few years, his work colleagues stopped bothering to ask him if he'd like to go. But it didn't occur to him that that might just be because he'd kept turning down their invitations so they might have just assumed he was never going to be interested in it; he got suspicious that it was because they didn't like him. The more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself that they couldn't like him. So he started avoiding them.

"They realised he was avoiding them, and assumed it must mean he didn't want to be with them. So they gave him fewer invitations to things. Then he got upset about that, and convinced himself they must have all turned against him. So it was as if they weren't friends any more, all because of a misunderstanding. The man never asked them why they'd stopped inviting him to places; he just assumed it must be for the reason he thought it was.

"So the book says it's important for people to actually ask people why they're really doing things we'd rather they didn't do, and also to be patient enough to hear them out when they answer, instead of taking anything they say that sounds as if it confirms our suspicions to mean we must be right, - you know, like if the man had asked his work colleagues why they'd stopped inviting him to things, and they started off by saying they would if he'd actually take some interest in them, and he took that as a criticism and a confirmation that they were against him, so he didn't let them finish, but just argued with them, and it ended up with bad feeling between them because of the argument.

"So one lesson that can be taken from that is something I said earlier, that it might help if people think through whether they might sometimes be getting angry when there's no real need to, trying to work out the real causes of what got them angry so quickly, such as if they tend to brood on the negative things, while the positive ones get pretty much forgotten, or if they realise they're quick to assume the worst about situations and people's motives for doing what they do, when in reality it's quite possible they could be wrong; and they could think about what things they could try to do differently from then on, so they get less angry in future.

"It might take quite a few thinking sessions like that before someone can really get into the habit of changing their behaviour, since it can be such a habit to erupt into anger that it takes a while before the habit can be got rid of. But every time they realise they've reacted more angrily than might have been justified, if they think it through afterwards, they might work out more things about what really caused their anger, and be able to make extra plans about ways to deal with it, so over time, they change more and more.

"I think that sometimes the reason a person gets angry far more often than most people do is because they grew up in a family where people were shouting their heads off at each other like maniacs all the time, and at the slightest little thing, and that was always making them angry and on edge, so they got used to being angry all the time, so it gets to be more of a habit than it would be for most people.

"But that doesn't mean they'll have to spend ages analysing their childhoods before they can fix their problems; they can think about whether there's anything wrong with the beliefs they realise they've picked up about when it's justified to get angry, and when it's reasonable to respond angrily to anything they feel provoked or just inconvenienced by, so they can think about whether it would be best to change their opinions about it. Re-evaluating their beliefs about how justified it is to get angry in certain situations might make them less likely to get angry in them from then on, because they might come to believe it's unfair to get angry in situations they just automatically got angry in before, for instance because they assumed people were deliberately incompetent or uncaring or irritating when they might not have been really.

"and they can think about what feelings they have just before they get angry, and how they might be able to change them by thinking different thoughts from usual so the anger's less likely to come on, if there's ever time to reflect on them before their anger flares up.

"And one thing that's recommended is that people think about what they actually want to achieve when they're having conversations with people: If they just want to speak their minds and put them down, they may as well get angry with them; but if they want something worthwhile to come out of a conversation, such as if they want the person they're talking to to do something for them or understand their point of view more, being more diplomatic is a lot better, because being angry will just make the other person want to argue, or think they're being unreasonable."