Chapter Four (continued)
One Student Tells the Rest About Wife Beaters and Their Motives

How Abusers Can Seem Nice to Outsiders, and Try to Deceive Even Their Partners Into Believing They're Not Abusive

Then the conversation got serious again, as Naomi said, "I'll tell you some more about what this book I've been reading says about wife beaters if you like.

"It says one thing abusers tend to do is to try to make sure they have a good public image, so their partners won't get so much support if they complain about them, and so other people will boost the abusers' egos by having a good opinion of them. The partner of an abuser might well often wonder what must be wrong with her to make her partner get abusive, when he's so amicable with other people around him, who think he's fun to be around or generous and good-natured. And their children might get to think that if everyone else thinks of him as a nice and entertaining person to be around, they must think his abusive behaviour's acceptable, so when he gets abusive it must be their fault, not his own behaviour there's something wrong with.

"But it's actually common for abusers to behave very differently at home from the way they behave in public, feeling as if they're entitled to let themselves loose at home, but wanting most people to have a good impression of them. They can fly into rages at home while seeming calm and cheerful to outsiders, and seem generous and supportive to outsiders while being self-centred at home, and domineering at home while being willing to negotiate and compromise with outsiders. They can express demeaning opinions of females at home while seeming to give clear support for gender equality in public. They can be aggressive towards their partners or children, while being non-violent and unthreatening towards everyone else. They can even treat their partners like servants who they believe are deserving of physical punishment when they don't fulfil all their exacting demands, while being publicly critical of other men who disrespect or abuse women. Some even do voluntary work for charities or are in the caring professions.

"People who find a man who's abusive at home helpful and nice, not realising what he's like in private, might comment to his partner about how nice he is. So his partner can be confused about why he's only nasty to her.

"It's not that abusers have split personalities. It's that they're attracted to power and control, and they know they can get it by looking good in public so they can be respected; so they can, for instance, get jobs where they have power over other people if they can get qualified for any. And then their partners can be reluctant to complain about them, thinking that if other people have a high opinion of their abusers, they're less likely to be believed, or they might be blamed for the problems. And then if anyone overhears an abuser saying something abusive to his partner, or if he gets arrested for assaulting her, people can assume she must have done something bad to provoke him, because he seems to be such a nice person that he wouldn't be abusive unless there was a good cause.

"An abuser's helpfulness and good-natured appearance to outsiders can help him feel good about himself. And if anyone does raise queries about his behaviour, he can use his public image as evidence that he isn't the abusive kind, and that his partner's the one with the problems. And if she isn't getting on well with other people in her life, no matter if he caused the problems, he can use the fact that her behaviour isn't ideal as more evidence that she's the one who there's something wrong with.

"Abusers can seem so charming and affable outside the home that even counsellors who are tasked with helping them to reform can wonder if there's really anything wrong with them, when they get on so well with other people. So a lot of abusers get away with what they do because a lot of people can find it hard to believe they could be nasty, so they find it hard to believe anyone who says they can.

"Abusers typically blame their partners for what they do. They can say things like, 'She really knows how to press my buttons', or, 'She pushed me too far', or, 'She wanted things to kick off, and she knows how to make it happen', or, 'There's only so much a man can take'.

"The author of this book I read says a lot of abusers express remorse when they first come into his abusers' programme, but then when he starts asking them to describe the assaults they've committed against their wives in detail, they start justifying their actions, asking what he expected them to do when they were provoked as much as they were. So they obviously don't hold any deep conviction that they were wrong to abuse their wives. They can claim they do, but the speed with which they start justifying themselves when they're asked to go into detail about what they did shows otherwise.

"The author says abusers tend to be very good at making excuses for their behaviour, blaming anyone or anything but themselves for it, including abusive childhoods, job stresses, alcohol, their children, or their insecurities. When the author points out to them that a lot of other men have had similar experiences and have the same stresses in life but don't get abusive, they tend to get annoyed. They feel entitled to make their excuses, and don't like it when they're challenged about them.

"He says most of them aren't psychopaths with no conscience; a lot of them are willing to be held accountable for any actions they take outside the home that aren't right, and can genuinely regret them. But when it comes to their partners, they feel so entitled to abuse them that they don't see why they should be all that bothered about it.

"Abusers tend to feel entitled to blame their partners for anything that goes wrong, not just the abuse, even when their partners can't realistically have had anything to do with it. For instance, if an abuser makes some mistake and is embarrassed about it, he'll claim his partner should have prevented it. If he's disappointed about the way something went in his life, he can accuse her of being somehow responsible for it. If one of the children's behaving in a difficult way, he'll likely say it must be because his partner's a bad mother. He won't accept any blame for anything he can delude himself into thinking she's responsible for, or that someone else is to blame for.

"Abusers tend to deny or trivialise their abuse and the affect it has on others, partly to protect themselves from punishment or criticism if they're taken to court or if someone else gets to hear about the abuse, but partly because since they aren't the ones on the receiving end, they don't experience how bad it feels themselves. It can also be a manipulation tactic to try to make their partners think they must be over-reacting to it. An abuser's denials of how serious his abuse is can be pretty convincing to anyone who hasn't heard an in-depth version of his partner's stories about him.

"Not only do abusers tend to minimise the effect their abuse has on their partners, but they tend to only ever admit to a small amount of it.

"And they can outright deny it to their partners. For instance if a woman claims her partner humiliated her in front of the children the night before by pulling a towel off her when she came out of the bathroom with it wrapped around her to hide the fact that she was naked underneath, he might say she must be nuts to believe that happened because the towel fell off her when he was over the other side of the room.

"If a partner of an abuser hears that her version of events is absurd time and time again, she might actually start wondering if her perceptions of reality might be warped by some kind of madness. Abusers can act pretty convincingly when they deny what went on, as if they just don't understand why such an accusation would be made about them. Their facial expressions and the certainty in their tone of voice can make them seem baffled about why they'd be accused of such a thing, as well as what they say. Sometimes their partners can develop real psychiatric symptoms in response to repeated denials of it, because of their anxiety and confusion about whether they could be going nuts; and then the abuser can use that as further evidence that they're crazy and imagining things that didn't happen, especially if outsiders notice signs of mental instability in the partner of an abuser and he gets to hear about them, so he can use what other people say as evidence that she's losing her mind.

"Most abusers will be convincingly lying when they claim they didn't do what their partners claim they did, because they don't want to have to answer for it, and some might even delight in annoying their partners by doing that, or driving them crazy because they'll wonder if they were imagining things and not realising. But a small percentage will block their abuse out of their memories so they're unwilling to remember such a thing. People like that will block out memories of what they did to other people too though, while other abusers will just seem unable to remember things when it comes to their partners, so they'll likely just be putting on an act. People like alcoholics and gamblers tend to do the same."

Some Ways Abusers Psychologically Abuse Their Partners, Including Being Jealous and Controlling

Naomi continued, "Abusers tend to think of their wives and girlfriends as if they're their property, so they think they have the right to treat them the way they want. They can seem confused if anyone contradicts that idea, or they can seem to think a person who does that must be a bit slow, not quite getting it.

"One reason why abuse tends to get worse over time is that the longer a relationship lasts and the more committed the partners become to each other, the more solid the abuser thinks his ownership of his partner is, so the more he feels entitled to do just what he wants to her, just as a person might feel as if they've got the right to break an object of theirs if they feel like it.

"And the fact that they view their partners as being more like their property than independent individuals is one reason why some abusers can become so jealous when their partners talk to other men, as if they're worried the men will take what's theirs away from them. So they can try to control their partners to stop them giving any attention to other males, no matter how innocent, expecting them to account for their whereabouts whenever they want them to. And they can keep a strict check on which other males they're talking to, and sometimes angrily accuse them of being unfaithful or feeling attracted to other men, even if they don't have any real evidence that such a thing's going on. But a lot of abusers don't have any problem cheating on their partners themselves, as if they think there's one rule for them and another one for their partners, because they're the superior beings and their partners are supposed to be obedient to them.

"Another reason why abusers can seem so jealous is that they want their partners to focus their attention entirely on them. They'll think any interaction their partners have with other people takes their attention away from satisfying their needs and wants, so they won't like it.

"Another reason abusers don't like their partners associating with other people is that they're concerned that other people will give them support to stand up against their mistreatment of them or encouragement to leave the relationship, and they don't want that.

"So they can think of any associations their partners have with anyone but them as a possible threat. The partners of abusers can reassure them time after time that they've got no intention of sleeping with anyone else; but it won't make a difference, because even if abusers claim that that's what they're concerned about, they're likely to be in reality mostly concerned about the possibility that outsiders will influence their partners to be dissatisfied with them as partners and want to leave them, so they'll lose control over them.

"Other abusers don't try to control who their partners speak to so much, but they can get angry if someone else protests to them about how they're treating their partners, saying things like, 'What I do with her is none of your business!' They might have the same attitude of ownership towards their children. So they can get angry if their partners say they're thinking of leaving, especially if they say they'll take the children, thinking of it as if some prized possessions of theirs are going to be taken away from them so their rights are going to be violated. The kinds of abuse a man perpetrates can seem less of a mystery if his partner comes to realise he thinks of her as his possession that he's got the right to do what he wants with."

How Some Abusers Seem to Have More Attractive Personalities Than Others

Naomi carried on, "Abusers can seem to have all different kinds of personalities, from macho to appearing gentle and progressive-thinking to outsiders, and some have had good childhoods while others will have had bad ones; and psychological tests can't reliably pick them up. Abuse doesn't spring from a man's feelings or from lack of skills in certain areas, but from the beliefs he picked up as a child from other males. He'll tend to like to keep people's attention focused on how he feels, because he'll know it would be harder to be challenged about the way he thinks, and that his partner would begin to understand him better and would likely react to him differently if she knew about that. He'll tend to become annoyed if he is challenged about his beliefs. The only way abusers will change is if they somehow start respecting their partners more because of a change in their attitudes.

"The author of this book says that beyond the fact that all abusers tend to think they're entitled to abuse their wives or long-term girlfriends, they can have different kinds of personalities, and different attitudes to what kinds of things they're willing to tolerate and how much they're willing to help their partners. For instance, he says some abusers will try to control everything their partners do while being willing to help with the housework and childcare, even though they think it's a woman's job really, while some other abusers are more lax about who their partners socialise with, but will insist they keep the house in a perfect condition, and will fly off the handle if their partners ask them to clean up after themselves. And some men use manipulation tactics instead of anything that looks like obvious control.

"The author says the kinds of things abusers will tolerate can vary from culture to culture. So that's evidence that the beliefs a man grew up with can play a big part in what they feel as if they're entitled to do. For instance, he says white middle class men tend to have strict ideas about the amount their partners are allowed to argue with them, and won't tolerate much of it, whereas Latin American abusive men tend to tolerate their wives being argumentative more, but will go berserk if they see them giving any attention to other men. But all abusers put limits on their partners' independence and wear down their self-esteem with ridicule, and want to have control over them and disrespect them.

"Some abusers can be loving and generous sometimes, but often they do it to prove to themselves or others how nice they can be, or because they'll soon want to demand a special favour, so it's a bit like a bribe in advance. Or it's another way of keeping their partners compliant with their wishes.

"But then some abusers use their behaviour at those times to convince others they're better than their partners, claiming their partners are selfish and only care about themselves, sounding hard done-by while they use their nice behaviour as evidence of how ungrateful their partners are, without any mention of the way they behave at other times.

"Some abusers will get their current partners to side with them in hate campaigns against their former partners, telling sob stories about how mistreated they were by them, without any hint of a suggestion that they themselves had anything to do with what went wrong in the relationships or their break-ups. They'll speak of their former partners with contempt, almost as if they were subhuman. But if an abuser isn't willing to take any responsibility for anything that went wrong in the relationship, chances are they'll one day be speaking about their current partner in the same way to a future girlfriend, after their abuse has driven her away. As much as their side of the story can seem compelling, it's as well if the new partner of someone who talks about their previous partner like that can get to find out her side of the story.

"And if her new partner accuses his former girlfriend or wife of having been physically abusive to him, it's as well to ask questions about how the abusive incidents started, since she might in reality have only behaved the way she did in self-defence."

Naomi Tells the Others What She's Learned About How Women Often Get Into Abusive Relationships

Naomi carried on, "A lot of abusers can seem unusually caring at the beginning of a relationship, seeming to love everything about their partners, wanting to be with them all the time and show them a good time. So women can easily be hooked into the relationship, maybe thinking they've never had it so good. The author of this book I read said that stage of a relationship can last weeks, months or even longer.

"Or sometimes, abusers can seem sensitive and mistrustful and bowed down with hurt feelings at first, bringing out a woman's caring side, and a desire to get to know them better and help them.

"Abusers will know that if they were abusive from the beginning, women wouldn't be interested in them. So they'll likely do their best to come across as loving and attractive for a while.

"Women can be lovestruck, and entrapped into a relationship they find it very hard to get out of later.

"This author says that when things begin to go sour, it can often be hard for a woman to turn to others for help, partly because after she's told other people what a wonderful person her partner is and how lucky she is to have him, she can be embarrassed to admit she made a terrible misjudgment and he's actually abusive.

"She might not start to think that for a while though. At first, she'll likely puzzle over the change in him and wonder what can have gone wrong, doing her best to try to fix things, believing that if only she can, things can go back to how they used to be. Sometimes he'll get loving and affectionate again, and her hopes will rise that things have gone back to how they were. But at some point, he'll get abusive again. But the memories of how nice things were at first will likely keep her holding on for some time, thinking about how good her life could be if only things would go back to how they used to be.

"She'll likely wonder if the reason for the abuse is that there's something wrong with her that causes it. So she might spend some time trying to work out what could be wrong with her that she causes such anger and mistreatment. A lot of women who abusers get with are young, so they haven't had experience of a lot of long-term relationships that weren't ever very abusive to compare their current relationship with, so they're less likely to wonder why it's abusive when others weren't and conclude it has to be something to do with the man they're with. And I read somewhere else that a lot of them accept the control their partners demand to have over them because their parents were overly-controlling, so they're used to it.

"The thing is though that this book I've been talking about says that most abusers don't cynically hook women into relationships with them with the full intention of abusing them later, deliberately deceiving them into thinking they're nice to make them fall in love with them, all the while planning the nasty things they'll do to them later. The author says abusers can genuinely fall in love, but imagine a blissful future where all their needs will be taken care of by their woman, who'll look beautiful and sexy at all times of the day and night, and will have no needs of her own, and who'll be in awe of his brilliance and charm, always looking up to him. He'll likely imagine her as being an idyllic partner who'll always do what he wants, and never put a downer on things by complaining about things going wrong in her own life.

"He almost certainly won't let his new girlfriend know he's expecting that level of devotion and perfection, and might not be fully aware that that's what he's looking for himself. So his girlfriend won't be tipped off to the fact that what he really wants is more like a carer than a partner. And that's especially because while he's focusing on his own needs and wants, he'll likely appear to be thinking about the well-being of both of them, by saying things like, 'I think we could be really good for each other', and even, 'I want to be there for you.' He can seem considerate and caring by saying things like, 'You can give up your job for now so you can go back to education if you like, and I'll use my income to pay for both of us.'

"This author says that at the time when he says those things, a future abuser might well actually believe he's just saying them because he's generous and thoughtful, and wants the best for his partner because he isn't someone who disrespects women. Then later, when he begins to control and abuse her, he'll find ways to convince himself that it's because of the way she behaves, or that it isn't even happening. Control tends to be his aim, rather than abuse, and abuse is one way he seeks to get the control he feels he's entitled to.

"There are abusers though who do manipulate their partners from the very beginning, telling other people that it's obvious that you need to charm a woman at first and tolerate them talking about themselves and take them to nice places and things like that, so you can get what you want in the end. But the author of this book says that even those abusers don't expect to become as abusive as they end up being, imagining that they're going to be able to deceive and manipulate their way through life with their partners without any problems. When it turns out not to be as easy as they thought it would be, so they resort to degrading words and physical abuse, they'll try to convince their partners it's their fault, thinking they must be 'bitches' for not just accepting their behaviour or control.

"It can sometimes be hard for women to think of their husbands or partners as abusers, because they have an image of abusers as heartless beasts, and they know their partners have a sensitive caring side, so they think they can't be typical abusers. They don't know that typical abusers often have caring sides, or seem to. They can often think that if they only cared for their men enough, they'd change. Relatives and friends, and even therapists, can even encourage that point of view, having seen or heard about the nice side of their partners. In reality, it's extremely hard or near-impossible for anyone to get abusers to change their ways. Their attitudes will have been ingrained in them over years, so they'll be very hard to change. And they'll have spent so long imagining excuses for what they do and liking to use them that they won't feel like dropping them just like that.

"Abusers can know full well they're being abusive, while not really understanding the reasons why they want to be.

"Their criticisms of their partners can sometimes seem justified to their partners, who can sometimes think they have a point. But their criticisms tend to be motivated by self-interest - what they're really thinking is that the problem's diminishing their own quality of life. For instance, an abuser might accuse his partner of being lazy because she feels too tired to accompany him on a trip he wants to make to somewhere he thinks he'll enjoy, and he might tell her she ruins her quality of life by not being adventurous enough; but the real issue is that he doesn't want to go there alone and is annoyed with her for not being willing to go there with him. She might think he has a point about how she diminishes her quality of life by not doing more things, not realising his focus of attention is really on himself and what he wants.

"And if she says she'd prefer to spend a relaxing time with friends, he might especially try to persuade her that she could be doing so much better for herself if she spent time with him doing an activity he enjoys, when really he's doing it because he'd prefer she didn't spend so much time with her friends, who might after all try to persuade her that she ought to leave her relationship. He'll likely assume her duty is to be with him, keeping him company. Abusers will likely use any persuasion tactics they can think of to make their partners change their minds, all because they want them to spend time with them, catering to their needs."

The Conversation Becomes Amusing Again for a Little While

Just then, a friend of one of the students who was passing by stopped to say hello, and asked what they were talking about. After being told they were talking about wife beaters, the friend said, "Why do you always talk about such depressing things? Oh well, I suppose it might be useful to know more about them."

The friends caught up on each other's news for a little while, and then the one who'd been passing by went their way.

Then one of them said with a smile, "You know, it sounds as if wife beaters might think they're gods in their own homes. But then, only certain kinds of gods could be like them. I was on an Internet forum where I was talking to someone who's got all kinds of wacky-sounding ideas about what God's like. I'll tell you some of the things he said. They were things like:

"'God as a whole is rather unaware of its own existence as a whole entity. I believe it is only now that God has a developed brain that God is beginning to realise it exists as God and has been rather vicariously living through us. Before this, God relied purely on its instinctual nature, with an urge to survive, grow and evolve.

"'So God is only just coming to terms with existing as it exists. God has only really had an advanced memory since God developed the human brain. That memory capacity has only become seriously useful since enough information has been gathered from all the corners of the globe which we as individuals gathered.

"'God is now ready to grow up and act as God - much like a four year old child develops the concept that it is not the centre of the universe as it once instinctually thought. God is now armed with knowledge and the wisdom of the ages and God now may begin to control its instinctive drives as we have to.

"'Some Gods are taught to be ignorant from birth, - let's face it, it is easier to be ignorant, as you then have no responsibility.

"'God floats behind our eyes observing occurrences, and utilising its own history to determine its next move.

"'God is not separate from us as an individual; the God floating behind the eyes is indeed still you - you are God but God is more of a collective than most individual Gods realise.

"'It not only relies on its own history - God reads history as well, via us, as well as taking advice from those who surround the individual God.

"'Each individual is endowed with a slice of God. These slices can form greater collectives who act with one mind. God is currently transferring from nationalism to the globalism collective, but the national collectives don't wish to give up the national positions their ancestors fought so hard for.

"'God experiments less on individuals and more on life in general - everything ticks and God has a voracious appetite to work out how and why. Individual Gods do experiment on themselves though - no doubt.

"'Different individual Gods are at different stages of developmental advancement. Different collective Gods are also at different developmental stages - scorn is delivered upon self-help endeavours by some and lauded as absolutely necessary by others; each God makes its own choice.'

"At one point, he seemed to be saying God gives humans an instinctive drive to survive. I joked, 'Then why did God also program some of humanity to embark on mass killings? Or is that to do with balancing the desire for population growth with the need for population control? Did God perhaps design a subspecies of its pet project the human race and call it politicians, programming it to periodically sabotage the programming it programmed the rest of humanity with so they'd be subverted into killing each other instead of working for survival?'

"I shouldn't have encouraged him really by asking questions. He replied, 'God isn't about mankind surviving; God is about life on earth surviving in whatever form it can.

"'Like what happened to the dinosaurs. God picks itself up, dusts itself off and restarts its efforts anew. Mankind is the first thinking (imagination is the clue here) endeavour God has had to work with. There are problems that arise from such beings, but there are also amazing bonuses as well.

"'God isn't particularly interested in humanity - that is you; God is interested in survival of the biosphere - if humanity were rubbed from existence, then God would get up, dust itself off and begin afresh as God always has.'"

The students smiled, and one said, "That's weird!"

Naomi joked, "If wife beaters thought they were gods like that, it sounds as if they'd be spending all their time fumbling around in confusion or something, so they'd never get decisive enough about what they wanted to do to ever knuckle down to spending years abusing their wives. If they're gods though, I wonder if that means their wives must be goddesses, so they ought to be treating them better."

Naomi Tells the Other Students About Warning Signs That a Man Will Turn Abusive

Then the conversation got serious again, as Naomi said, "Anyway, I'll tell you more about what this book I've been reading says. It says it's possible for women to be tipped off to the fact that a man they're dating's likely to become abusive at some point, by a number of things:

"One is if he speaks disrespectfully about his former partner. It's natural for people to be angry about the way their former partners treated them. But it can be a sign of a looming problem if a man tells his new girlfriend all about his anger with his ex-partner in detail early on in their relationship, or if he seems to be especially bitter about the way he was treated. It might mean he's quick to become resentful and to blame other people for his behaviour, even when he should know he had something to do with it. If he talks about his ex-partner in degrading or condescending ways, it's a warning sign.

"And if he claims to be a victim of abuse by an ex-partner, or says an ex-partner falsely accused him of abuse, it'll be worth trying to get her side of the story. Even if it's instinctive to disbelieve her, because it's hard to hear criticism of a new boyfriend who stirs up loving feelings, it'll be worth keeping what she says in mind, just in case. If a man's especially reluctant to have his partners speak to his former partners, it might mean he was abusive and wants to keep it concealed from his current partner during the dating stage of the relationship.

"It's also a warning sign if a boyfriend admits to having abused a former wife or girlfriend, but claims there were exceptional circumstances, or blames it on his ex-partner, or on being drunk or immature. He might not be being entirely honest, or might not be admitting to the fact that he hasn't changed as much as he'd like his partner to believe he has.

"It's also a warning sign if a boyfriend praises his current partner by saying she's nothing like his former girlfriends or wife or wives, saying she's the first woman in his life to really understand him or treat him well. It'll be tempting for her to work especially hard to keep up that image; but nevertheless, it might well not be long before he's telling her she's just like all the rest.

"Some men take the opposite attitude though, telling their partners their former girlfriends were so nice their partners feel as if they have to put special work in to try to compete with them. Men like that can tell their girlfriends they just aren't as sexy or successful or as meticulous about keeping a clean house or other things like that as their former partners were, so they'll often be thinking they need to try harder to measure up. But they'll tend to find that it's impossible. The men might be exaggerating after all. They'll want to keep their partners trying, so they can feel good by having the control, and all the rewards of the special devotion.

"If a man's unwilling to accept any blame for what went wrong in his former relationships, it's a sign that he'll soon be blaming his current partner for everything that goes wrong in his current one.

"It's also a warning sign if a man disrespects his girlfriend by sneering at her opinions or being rude to her in public, or putting her down or making stinging sarcastic remarks. That kind of thing demonstrates a lack of respect; and if a boyfriend defends his behaviour when his girlfriend complains about how it affects her, or if the behaviour keeps on happening, then it's likely that the boyfriend will become more controlling and abusive over time.

"It's also a danger sign if a boyfriend idealises his girlfriend, making her out to be better than she knows she really is. It'll mean he isn't really seeing her for who she really is, but having a fantasy image of her. And when she inevitably fails to live up to it, he might well turn nasty.

"Another warning sign that can be detected over time is if a man's so generous it seems over-the-top, and even causes his girlfriend to feel uncomfortable, doing favours she didn't ask for for both her and her family that take a while to do and so on. It seems some abusers do that to make their girlfriends feel as if they owe them something, and use it later on to manipulate them into doing things for them, and in other ways. The author gives the example of one man in his abusers' programme who spent a couple of years at the beginning of his relationship with his partner helping out her family a lot; and later, when she told him they didn't like the way he treated her, he managed to persuade her for years that they were just being unfair because they didn't need his help any more and wanted her all to themselves, saying that was especially bad because they'd taken advantage of his generosity for years at the start of the relationship, when they needed help they didn't need any more.

"Maybe part of the problem was really that he was trying to isolate his partner from anyone who'd be supportive to her when she complained about being mistreated. He made her feel sorry for him with the way he complained about being treated unfairly. And she didn't realise she was just being manipulated for a long time. Until she did, she actually thought it sounded as if there must be something in what he said, and it caused problems between her and her parents for years.

"Another example this author gives is of a man who seemed both over-generous at first, and was misleading about a former relationship he'd had. He complained to his new girlfriend that his former partner had falsely accused him of violence so as to make sure he would be denied unsupervised visits with his children, claiming that all a woman has to do is tell a judge her ex-partner's been abusive and the man will automatically be denied them. And then there was one day when there was heavy snow, and then her partner offered to shovel all the snow off her driveway while she was at work. She told him not to worry about it, since she thought accepting the offer might give him the impression that she wanted things to be more serious between them than she thought she might want them to be at the time. But he did it anyway.

"She happened to have a friend who was leaving an abusive relationship, who told her she'd been informed that she needed to give extensive evidence of her former partner's violence against her before a judge would refuse him unsupervised visits with their children. So that contradicted what her boyfriend had said, and she wondered if her boyfriend had really told the truth about being accused of violence falsely, and wondered what his former partner would say.

"Another warning sign that a man's likely to get abusive is that he's controlling right from the start. Some women find that attractive at first, maybe partly because it feels nice to have the pressure taken off them when it comes to making decisions about things, because their partners want to make them all. And they might also think it's nice to be with someone who seems like a strong decisive character. After a while though, they might get unhappy when it turns out that their partner doesn't like it if they're ever not in the mood to do what he wants.

"Control tends to be fairly minor and doesn't feel all that restrictive at first. A new boyfriend might make little criticisms every so often, such as about how his girlfriend could improve the clothes she wears or see a bit less of a particular friend or family member who he doesn't have that good an impression of, or how it would be a good thing if she was to give up her job or get a better-paying one, or spend more time with him. Or he might start to make recommendations about how she should improve her life that might not be welcome, but he'll be irritated if he's disagreed with. Or he might seem annoyed if his girlfriend doesn't share his political opinions or music tastes or views about romantic relationships, or other things.

"It seems to me that anyone might take attitudes like that to some extent. But maybe abusers do it more than an average person would. Or maybe the more of these signs of possible looming abuse that a new boyfriend shows, the more ominous it is. I'm not sure.

"But anyway, this author says another sign of possible looming abuse is if a new boyfriend's really possessive. He might phone a new girlfriend about five times a day, or even more, saying he wants to know how she is and where she is; or he might want to spend every single evening with her. She might think that's flattering and loving at first. But really it will often be to make sure she isn't with someone else she's got romantic feelings for. An abuser might apologise afterwards if his girlfriend spends any time with a former boyfriend and he gets annoyed or upset, saying it was because he couldn't stand to think of her being with another man because he loves her so much. Jealousy is a warning sign of looming abuse, even if at first it seems like a loving desire by a boyfriend to keep a partner all to himself.

"Part of a jealous partner's motivations might also be to demonstrate to his like-minded friends that he's able to keep his partner under his control, which he'll think of as a boost to his prestige with them. His behaviour will be about his belief that he owns his partner, rather than being to do with love.

"Any new boyfriend might be upset if his new partner spends time with a previous boyfriend. But demands that they stop doing it, rather than worries about them doing it, might be signs of looming abuse.

"Jealousy can make a partner of a man feel flattered at first, because she thinks he must think she's important enough to him that he doesn't like it when she spends time with anyone else, especially if it's someone who might not like him. She might think he must really care about her if he's bothered by things like that. But if he demands that she stops seeing friends or family members because of his jealousy, it's a sign that more control over her behaviours is gradually coming on.

"A man can be very in love with his partner while not being madly jealous about who else she spends time with. A jealous partner's demands can end up feeling suffocating to his girlfriend, who would like to be spending some time with other people she likes without feeling as if she's under suspicion a lot of the time. A man can be loving without feeling as if he has to keep guard over his partner's actions all the time. A man who feels he has to do that will likely think he's guarding a possession, rather than loving an independent human being.

"Another warning sign of possible looming abuse is if a new boyfriend never takes any responsibility for anything that goes wrong in the relationship, but always blames other people or things, and increasingly blames his new partner for it all. He might make promises he never keeps, coming up with constant excuses about why he couldn't meet his responsibilities, or why he continually lets his partner down.

"Yet another warning sign of abuse is that the man's self-centred. That might not be obvious at first. But women can be clued into it if their new partners often do things like wanting to do most of the talking and don't really seem to be listening when they express themselves, and tend to want to shift any subject back to themselves and their own opinions.

"Another warning sign of possible impending abuse is if new boyfriends are addicted to alcohol or drugs. They might be especially likely to become abusive if they pressure their partners to join in using the substances they like using with them. Or they might be able to convince their partners they're just about to make an attempt to get free of their addiction, and appeal to their compassion and pride by convincing them they have the ability to help them. Substance abuse doesn't cause abuse, but the two often go together, because a certain kind of person's attracted to both.

"Another warning sign is if a new boyfriend pressures his girlfriend for sex, not respecting her feelings or what she wants. It's a clue that sex is what men who do that really want out of the relationship, or that they think of their partners as sex objects. If they say their partners ought to have sex with them to prove they truly love and care for them, it's a sign that they're manipulative and should be avoided.

"Another warning sign is if a man gets serious about a relationship abnormally quickly. A lot of women might like that at the time, because they've known or known of men who didn't ever want to commit themselves long-term to being with their girlfriends, no matter how long they'd been together, or if their girlfriends got pregnant. But a man who starts to talk about marriage and family a lot sooner than the norm, before he and his girlfriend truly know each other and have come to feel close to each other, can be trying to nab someone he thinks he can control and own. If his partner tries to slow things down and he's unhappy, it could well mean a relationship with him will be trouble at some point.

"Another warning sign is if a man intimidates his girlfriend in some way when he's angry, either deliberately, or without him really realising he's doing it. It could well mean emotional abuse is coming, or is already there, and that physical abuse might not be too far away.

"The kinds of things abusers often do to intimidate their partners are things such as getting close to them when they're angry and pointing a finger in their face or poking them, or pushing them, or blocking their way or restraining them when they'd rather leave, or behaving in a way that makes their partner think they might do that.

"Abusers can justify behaviour like that by telling their partners they're just trying to make them listen.

"If a man raises his fist to a partner or towers over her or shouts her down, or behaves in any other way that makes his partner flinch or feel a bit scared, chances are he'll end up doing worse things if they stay together.

"Another warning sign is if he says things that sound ominous, such as, 'You don't want to see me angry', or, 'You don't know who you're messing with'. And another one is if he starts speeding or driving recklessly when he's annoyed. Another one is if he punches walls or kicks doors when he's angry, or throws things, even if they're not aimed at his partner.

"The author of this book says a lot of women tolerate a partner's intimidating behaviour, thinking they can always leave him if it gets worse. But then they discover that the more involved they are with him and the more frightening he becomes, the harder it is to defy him and get out of the relationship.

"Another warning sign is if the man has double standards, expecting a higher standard of behaviour from his partner than he expects of himself, for instance if he gets annoyed with her if it looks to him as if she's flirting with other men, but he flirts with other women himself. And a partner who has negative attitudes towards women is one who's likely to get more abusive over time. Even if he tells his current partner he thinks of her as being different from most women, his attitude likely won't last. If he thinks of women in general as stupid or inferior or just sex objects, it likely won't be long before he's treating his partner that way.

"It's another warning sign if a man has strict ideas about women's roles, expecting them to always be the ones to take care of the housework, and thinking men's careers are more important than women's. Men like that might want to punish their women if they don't live up to their ideals, or if they challenge their ideas.

"Another danger sign is if a man treats his girlfriend differently in public from the way he does in private. For instance, a lot of men might treat them with special care in public, while often treating them with disrespect or abuse when they're on their own. Or they might do the opposite for a while, treating their partners with a lack of consideration in public, sometimes to show their friends they can be hard while still keeping their partner, while being nicer to them when they're on their own.

"Another thing abusive men often do is to choose partners who are vulnerable in some way, such as if they're young and inexperienced, or they have less life experience or self-confidence or knowledge than the abuser, so they'll look up to him as a teacher or mentor who has the leading role.

"Abusers go for vulnerable women or girls because they like to have power over them and be the dominant one and be looked up to, although they'll likely tell them it's for different reasons, such as if a man who turns out to be abusive flatters a teenager by telling her she's unusually mature and sophisticated for her age, or even that she's so good in bed she has a power over him he just can't resist, so she's misled into not realising he's not really feeling as if he's enthralled to her power, but aiming to be the one with all the power himself.

"A lot of abusers like to play the role of rescuers, seeking out women in abusive relationships and helping them out of them, only to abuse or control them themselves, or going for women who've had traumatic upbringings or who are suffering grief for a loss they've recently experienced or some other upsetting experience, or who have health problems. They're attracted to vulnerable women because they think they'll be easier to dominate. So a woman starting a relationship with a man where he seems to want there to be an imbalance of power between them should take it as a warning sign that he might get abusive and controlling.

"But not all abusers go for vulnerable women. In fact, some like the challenge of going for women who seem tough and confident and are successful in life, so it feels like more of an ego boost if they can get to dominate them.

"The more of those warning signs a man shows, or the more extreme any of those behaviours is in him, the more likely he is to be an abuser. If a man has just one or two of those traits though, with the exception of physical intimidation, it's possible he won't be that bad."

Detecting Signs That a Relationship is Beginning to Get Abusive

Naomi continued, "The author of this book says there's no guarantee a relationship won't turn abusive, but that the best way of avoiding getting involved with an abusive man is to tell a man you're considering getting involved with clearly at the beginning that you have rules about what behaviours and attitudes you will and won't tolerate in a relationship, especially if you notice him exhibiting one or more of the signs. He should be told you'll break up with him if it happens again; and then actually do so if it does, or at least have a separation from him for some time. Don't keep warning him you'll break up with him if it keeps happening, only not to do that, or he won't take the threat seriously.

"If he is given another chance but then does the same thing again or a different abusive behaviour, it's best to leave him permanently, since it's more likely the abuse will get worse otherwise.

"When an abusive man begins to get more abusive as a relationship goes on, he's likely to think or claim that it's actually his girlfriend who's changing, because he notices more and more that there are times when she just isn't living up to his image of the perfect all-giving obedient woman he wants.

"Women can be unsure about when bad behaviour's a sign of abuse and when it's just caused by a bad mood or an argumentative streak or something, since no one's perfect after all, and abuse tends to start gradually and get worse and worse over time, for instance with only minor signs of disrespect or control at first.

"The author says bad behaviour's a sign of abuse when a man seems to be trying to assert a position of power or privilege over his partner in some way that's disturbing for her.

"He says there are signs that minor signs of mistreatment are escalating into abuse. One is if a man retaliates against a woman for criticising his bad behaviour, for instance if he calls her a bitch and she says she really doesn't like it when he does that, but then he does it more often, maybe taking obvious pleasure in it, as if he likes the fact that it upsets her and that he's pleased it's a good tactic he can use. Or he might yell louder in an argument where she's just told him to stop shouting, and then blame her for making him do that.

"Or he might play the victim, for instance if his girlfriend complains about him interrupting him all the time during an argument, not letting her finish what she wants to say, and he gets sulky and sarcastic, saying he'll let her do all the talking from then on, behaving as if she's being unfair. He'll really be trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting him to control the conversation; and it's a warning sign of abuse.

"Or if he starts mocking her when she complains that he's being abusive, for instance by laughing at the idea or imitating her voice, it's a sure sign that he intends to be more abusive. "Sometimes his retaliation for her standing up to him won't be so obvious or won't be immediate. But it will all be designed to punish her for defying him, with the intention of putting her off ever doing it again, since he'll believe he's entitled to be the boss and to require submission.

"Another thing he might do is to brush off complaints of mistreatment as his partner's problem, as if he thinks the issue is her inability to deal with it calmly, not that it's happening. If he won't take responsibility for his behaviour, and disregards his partner's feelings about it, it's a sign that he's abusive.

"If she tries to persuade him to be more understanding, or says she's not willing to tolerate certain behaviours, he'll likely use tactics to give her doubts about whether she's being reasonable, such as telling her she's being too sensitive, being bothered by little things that really shouldn't be a big deal.

"Or he might say things like, 'You can't expect people to be all kind and caring when they're angry', or, 'Just because other people have been abusive to you, it doesn't mean everyone's out to do that. You think everyone's being abusive!'

"Or he might say, 'You're just annoyed because you're not getting your own way, so you're accusing me of mistreating you just because of that.'

"He'll be trying to make his partner believe it's unreasonable of her to protest about his behaviour, and that she should be willing to just live with him as he is, and also that she's only getting upset because his behaviour puts her in mind of someone else's behaviour, so the problem isn't really to do with him at all. And he'll be trying to convince her that the only reason she's really protesting is because she wants to get the upper hand against him in some way.

"He'll be trying to make his partner lose confidence in her complaints by discrediting them, because he'll hold a belief, maybe subconsciously, that she's got no right to object to anything he does to her.

"A relationship where one partner doesn't feel free to bring up complaints isn't a healthy or fair one.

"He might apologise for things, but his apologies can sound insincere or angry, as if he doesn't mean them, or doesn't think it's really fair that he should make them. But if he gets called out on his insincerity, he'll likely say his partner can't know he wasn't being sincere, ridiculing the idea by saying it's as if she believes she knows what's going on in his head, or thinks she somehow has the power to know what he's feeling. He'll be trying to convince her she's being unreasonable to reject his apology. Never mind that his tone of voice gave him away.

"Abusers tend to feel entitled to be forgiven and to have their apologies accepted, and to pretty much demand forgiveness, no matter how insincere their apologies are. And they'll tend to get angry about having their insistence that they mean what they say contradicted, as if they're demanding that what they say is believed, no matter how much it contradicts obvious evidence, such as the tone of voice they were using when they apologised. It's as if they want control over their partners' minds, not just their behaviour.

"And abusers will tend to blame their partners for the impact their hurtful behaviour has on them. When their partners start showing what are really only the typical psychological signs of chronic mistreatment, the abusers will become upset and start criticising them for them, and then mock them if they're hurt by that. And they can use the effects their abuse is having on their partners as excuses to ridicule and abuse them some more.

"For instance, if an abuser's insulting behaviour puts his partner off having sex with him, he might accuse her of losing interest because she must be cheating on him with a new fancy-man. Or if she stops trusting him so much because of his abuse, he might declare that her lack of trust in him is making her think he's being abusive, or making him want to be, as if the trust issue came first, and lack of trust is a decent excuse for abuse. Or if she feels depressed because of his abuse, he might declare that he isn't going to want to be with her if she isn't going to be any fun to be around. Or if she stops showing interest in him because of his abusiveness, he might declare that the reason he's being abusive is because she's stopped showing interest in him.

"Really, declarations like that are just excuses, and a way for an abuser to try to pressure his partner into behaving in just the way he'd like her to, despite her feelings, as if they just don't matter, or they're a defect in a product he expected better of, rather than a natural consequence of his own behaviour.

"Behaviour like that isn't normal for men who have respect for their partners but just get into the odd argument with them; it's abusive behaviour.

"Another sign that a relationship is abusive is if it's impossible for a woman to discuss things that reflect badly on her partner with him, no matter how and when she brings them up. So she can do things that would make it less likely that difficult discussions would turn into arguments in a lot of relationships, like waiting till her partner's in a relaxed mood before bringing them up, phrasing what she says in the least offensive way she can think of, and mixing her criticisms with lots of compliments, but it still won't make any difference; he'll object to what she says anyway, and won't want to listen.

"Most people can be defensive and want to argue when someone brings up a criticism of them; but if partners agree to pause an argument till they've calmed down and decide to carry on the conversation a couple of hours or days later, the one who was criticised will often reflect on what was said and realise there's some truth in it, and be in more of a mood to listen the next time the discussion starts. But abusers will instead tend to stew on what was said to them during the pause, and think of what it would be best to say to defend themselves and put their partners down in response to what they said when the argument starts again.

"Abusers don't think of arguments as opportunities to persuade the person they're arguing with of their points of view, but as wars they want to win, using whatever put-down tactics they can think of to try to do that.

"Another thing that's a sign that a relationship's abusive is if one partner tries to ruin the dreams and ambitions and success and well-being of the other one, such as by causing them to lose their job in some way, or if they make them feel as if they ought to stop studying for something they're working towards achieving, or if they discourage them from working towards something they'd really like to do, for instance by insisting they're no good at it so there's no point in them trying. And it's abusive if they damage their relations with their friends or family, or if they do anything else that isolates them or diminishes their freedom and independence or security, such as by spending their money irresponsibly.

"Another sign of abuse is if a man denies what he did, when it was actually obvious, such as if he called his partner a bitch and kicked a wall, but the next day he claims that he simply didn't do that when he's accused of having done it. A non-abusive partner might argue about just how insulting he meant to be by using the word 'bitch'; but an abusive partner might deny he said it altogether.

"Another sign that a relationship's abusive is if a man justifies any behaviour his partner finds hurtful or frightening by saying she made him do it, such as if she says his yelling scares her, and he says he needs to yell because she doesn't listen to him. He'll use his partner's behaviour as an excuse for being abusive. He might agree to stop some form of abuse if she gives up doing something herself, but it'll often be something she has every right to do.

"And any form of physical intimidation is abuse, whether it's aggression towards a man's partner, - not necessarily hitting her, but also things like blocking her way or grabbing hold of her - or whether it's being aggressive around her in a way that's meant to intimidate her, such as by smashing things. Even just doing it once is a sign of an abusive mentality. And physical abuse can start off with minor things such as pushing, but get gradually worse and worse over time. And even where it doesn't, little acts of physical intimidation can still ruin a partner's self-confidence and sense of security, and scare her into allowing her partner to have power over her.

"A non-abusive man might unintentionally do things that frighten his partner, such as shouting loudly, if he comes from a background where that's normal; but unlike an abuser, if he's told it's scary, he'll care about his partner's feelings and do his best not to do it from then on, without demanding anything in return.

"And a relationship's abusive if a man uses upsetting or intimidating or wearing-down tactics to pressure his partner into having sex with him.

"And another indicator that a man's being abusive is if his behaviour's taking an emotional toll on the woman, such as if she's scared of him, getting more isolated from friends and relatives because he ruins their times together or doesn't like her contacting them, or if she feels depressed and unmotivated because interacting with him saps her energy, or if she's thinking less of herself than she did before, or feels the need to prove to her partner that she's good enough, or she's always trying to think of ways to fix what's wrong in the relationship, or if she feels as if she can't do anything right, or thinks it must be her fault that there are problems, or if arguments often end with her feeling as if her partner's been playing mind games on her, but she can't quite work out why.

"Being often angry isn't necessarily a sign of an abusive personality. It can sometimes be; but some abusers are cold and calculating, rather than getting angry a lot, and some angry men, while unpleasant to live with, aren't abusers."