By Diana Holbourn
Becky Gives Lectures at her Old University About Overcoming Anxiety Problems
Book eight of the online Becky Bexley series. Continued.
This series accompanies the books about what Becky does at university and afterwards, which you can find out more about on my author website. (The online series is in draft form.)
A couple of hours before her fifth lecture, Becky had another chat with the students she'd had fun with the last time she gave one.
One student said, "I read on the Internet about some funny signs that have been seen. It's interesting how just a word out of place or a word that means something slightly different can change the whole meaning of a sentence, or some can have double meanings. According to what I read, there was one in a Greek hotel that said, 'Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.'"
Another student grinned and said, "That sounds as if it's saying, 'We know this hotel's bad, so we think you're just bound to complain!' Whoops!
"Mind you, the subject of complaining about hotels reminds me of something I heard on the radio: A hotel worker said that she'd had experiences where she'd asked people if the service they were receiving was OK with them, which was part of her job, and they'd said it was fine; but then days after they'd left, she'd found out they'd written a bad review of the hotel on the Internet! At first when I heard that, I thought it was really unfair! But maybe they just didn't want to get confrontational at the time or something."
One student grinned and said, "Talking about complaints, I like to eat sultanas and nuts and things straight from the packet, and yesterday, I dropped a sultana while I was getting a handful out. Imagine someone doing that and complaining to the manufacturer, saying, 'You should make packets that people can always get things out of without dropping them. And you need to work on making their contents drop-proof somehow, so they can never fall on the floor! I'm disgusted that you haven't done that already!'"
They giggled.
Then the one who'd begun to talk about amusing signs said, "I've read about more funny signs that said things that can't really have been intended: Apparently there was one in a Swiss restaurant that said, 'Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.' They probably meant to say, 'Our wines are all you could hope for.' And there was a sign in a French hotel that said, 'Please leave your values at the front desk.' And there was one in a Romanian hotel that said, 'The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.' And there was one on a room door in a Russian hotel that said, 'If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.'
"It's interesting that just a subtle little change of wording changes the whole meaning of some of them, like that one, since saying, 'You're welcome to it', instead of just 'You're welcome', is normally used to mean something like, 'We don't like it, so you can keep it!', although technically it must mean just the same either way."
The student next to the one who'd just spoken said, "Couldn't that one have been meant as a joke though? Actually they all could have been."
"They all could have been?" said the student who'd mentioned them. "Well I suppose so, but I don't think any Romanian hotel that wanted people to think it had good customer service would say customers were going to be unbearable for a laugh!"
"I was thinking that one could have been made up by the people who put the website together," responded the student who'd suggested they might be jokes.
"Well who knows!" said the student who'd mentioned them; "But I think they originally came from a book by someone who's travelled a lot, who said he saw them."
Another student said, "I've read about some funny signs. You get ones that are just as funny in English-speaking countries as you can get in other countries. I remember reading that there was one in a clothes shop in America that read, '15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!' And there was another one somewhere that said, 'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.' And there was one in another shop that said, 'Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?'"
Becky and most of the students grinned. But one said thoughtfully, "Mistakes like that could be embarrassing. Still, I suppose one good thing about having notices with gaffes like that in your shop window is that it'll draw attention to your shop!"
"Perhaps not the kind of attention you want though!" laughed another student.
Becky told them about the sign she'd seen outside a New York restaurant when she'd been there several years earlier that had said, "If you think our staff are rude, you ought to see the manager", and how she'd tried to get the manager to demonstrate how rude he could be, but couldn't. They laughed.
Someone else said, "I heard about a sign on a New York convalescent home that said, 'For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church'."
"Are you sure that one wasn't graffiti?" asked another student with a smile.
Some of them chuckled, while others groaned, thinking that sounded like a bad joke.
Not long after that, it was time for Becky to go and make some last-minute preparations for her lecture.
Becky started her lecture by saying, "First of all today, I'm going to talk about having a good sleep. ... I don't mean having a good sleep right now, of course. I'd prefer it if you didn't do that. And I'm not planning on it myself. ... I'm talking about the importance of having a good sleep at night.
"The thing is that it's very important to get good sleep, partly because it's an opportunity for repair mechanisms in the body to do some repair work to reverse some damage caused by tiny bits of wear and tear on the muscles that often get inflicted on them during the day, for instance by strenuous exercise, or slips and stumbles, or by lifting heavy objects. And sleep helps the body repair and restore some essential bodily functions too, such as giving the immune system a bit of a boost to help it fight off infections, and recharging energy levels. And good sleep refreshes the mind too, calming it down from states of anxiety caused by the worries and problems of the previous day. People can be more prone to stress when they're sleep-deprived.
"But worrying about not getting a good night's sleep can cause anxiety levels to rise so high at night that it's actually a lot harder to get to sleep; and worrying about not having had a good sleep can cause anxiety levels to rise the next day. Still, people with insomnia often still get more sleep than they reckon they're getting.
"Some people need more sleep to feel refreshed than others do. If you're waking up with not much energy, or feeling as if you're in a bit of a daze when you first get up, or if you can't concentrate properly, or you easily forget things, then chances are you're not getting enough sleep. There are lots of reasons for poor sleep, but stress is a common one.
"Whether stress is causing your bad sleep or not, you'll obviously benefit from reducing it. But there are also some practical things you can try that might help you get better sleep:
"There are some well-known ones, which might seem obvious, but they might easily often slip to the back of a lot of people's minds, so mentioning them might still serve as decent reminders of them, such as going to bed earlier if you know - really - that you're not spending enough hours in bed to get a good night's sleep, and not drinking tea or coffee late in the evening, since the caffeine might keep you awake, as might nicotine if you smoke fairly late in the evening. I read that a lot of people with insomnia are people who smoke, and it might often be at least partly because of the nicotine that's still in their systems, since it's a stimulant.
"Alcohol's also not as good for helping people sleep as it might seem to be, because although it might get you to sleep quicker, people who drink alcohol near bedtime often wake up really early in the morning, because of things like all the work the body's doing to process it, which can stop people falling into deep sleep as much as they need to, and slight withdrawal symptoms that can apparently come on briefly even when a person isn't addicted to alcohol, and doesn't drink it every day. That's according to one psychologist I heard lecturing about it anyway.
"It's also best not to do things late in the evening that make you feel more animated, such as watching things you enjoy on television or on the Internet. If you go to bed with your mind full of fast-moving images, or interested thoughts about what you've seen, you'll be less relaxed, so you'll be less able to sleep for a while. Some people recommend not even having a television in the bedroom, and not listening to fast music in it, - the idea being that sleep will come more easily if people come to automatically associate their bedrooms with sleep, instead of with all kinds of different activities. The thinking is that reserving it more for just sleep will kind of subtly programme their brains to feel like going to sleep in their bedrooms, rather than feeling like doing all kinds of other things there. I don't know if it works; but not having a telly there will at least reduce any temptation you might have to watch stimulating television when you're in bed, which could fill your mind with activity, so sleep won't come so easily, if that's a problem for you.
"And eating a heavy meal late in the evening can make it harder to have a good long sleep as well, because all the work the digestive system's doing can prevent the body from being in a relaxed enough state to sleep well, even if eating a heavy meal can make people feel sleepy at first.
"And it's best not to exercise too near bedtime, because exercise stirs up adrenaline, which will make you feel more lively, so it'll likely be harder to get to sleep. Exercising earlier in the day's a good thing that might help you sleep better, partly because it can be a way of letting off steam and getting rid of nervous tension; but it's best not to exercise in the last couple of hours before you go to bed if you find it hard to get to sleep.
"Some people find it helps to soothe them if they have a milky drink before they go to bed. And some people find a warm shower or bath before bedtime relaxes them, so it's easier for them to get to sleep. Those things probably won't work for everyone; but trying them out could help some people at least.
"It helps to have a comfortable mattress, since a bad one, such as an old saggy one, can be the cause of bad sleep, because it'll be uncomfortable.
"And if you think any bits of light from the window are disturbing your sleep, there are black-out curtains available to buy, or just thick ones, or window blinds, that'll block out all the light.
"You could also try wearing earplugs if someone beside you keeps you awake by snoring, or if there's other noise around.
"It can also help people sleep if they're not too hot or cold in bed.
"Some people find it helpful to spray a scent around the place just before they go to bed, such as lavender, which is thought by some people to have a soothing effect. Whether it does or not, it might be easier to get to sleep if you can feel some pleasure while you're trying to drift off, such as by smelling something nice.
"It can also help people with insomnia not to have little naps during the day, if they can resist having them, since although they can be refreshing, they can mean a person isn't so tired at the end of the day, so it's harder to get off to sleep.
"And it can help a lot if you don't worry about whether you're getting to sleep or not, since worry stirs up anxiety that makes it harder to sleep. Resting still has a worthwhile effect on the body, so you could consider that even if you're not sleeping, if you're resting, that's something at least.
"If you try all those things and they don't help much, more active strategies such as relaxation techniques might help:
"One is closing your eyes to block out distractions, and then drifting off in your imagination to a calming quiet place you'll really enjoy being in, such as walking through a beautiful garden while the sun shines, where there's perhaps a cooling breeze on your face, and you can smell the scents of gorgeous flowers, and there's a little stream nearby, where the water's making an enjoyable rippling noise as it gently flows. Or you could imagine walking along a beach in the sunshine in the evening after people have gone home, hearing the sounds of the waves, and perhaps enjoying smelling the sea, and watching seagulls, and feeling soothed.
"Or you might have some other idea of a soothing experience that you could imagine.
"You could help yourself imagine such things by thinking about any past holidays you've had where you were enjoying yourself, and where you weren't burdened with worries, imagining that the best things about them are happening again in your mind, so you can have at least some enjoyment of them again.
"While you're doing that, every now and then, you could give yourself the idea that the soothing images and feelings you're experiencing in your imagination must be helping you drift off to sleep because of their relaxing quality, and that it likely won't be long before you're feeling drowsier and drowsier, and then drifting off into a refreshing long sleep. Chances are that that'll actually happen.
"Another technique is boring yourself to sleep, if you can't get to sleep another way. Some people get up and do something enjoyable if they can't sleep; but the problem with doing that is that if you come to anticipate doing something enjoyable in the middle of the night, you might develop the habit of staying awake just so you can do it, because part of you prefers the idea of doing that to being asleep. It might be better to try boring yourself to sleep, getting up and doing something that does need to be done, but it's something boring that you'd rather not have to do, such as doing a pile of ironing, or sewing buttons onto clothes to replace ones that have fallen off, if those are the kinds of things you tend to put off because you really don't feel like doing them. Or if there's nothing like that that needs doing, you could try inventing boring things to do, such as reading out loud every food label in your kitchen cupboards.
"When you start to feel tired, you could go to bed again, since the chances will be higher that you'll actually sleep.
"But if you still don't, you could get up after about another half an hour and try to bore yourself to sleep again.
"Or if you don't fancy getting up in the night, you could try reading a book that takes effort to read, which although it isn't fun to read, might be kind of worthwhile if you really make the effort to decipher what it's going on about, but you're likely to get bored while you're doing it, so sleep will feel like a welcome relief afterwards or something.
"One bad habit some people have, - although it's pretty understandable, especially since sleep can sometimes come on unpredictably, - is to drift off to sleep in front of television programmes on a chair in their living room, and then wake up an hour or two later, And haul themselves up to go to bed, only to find that by the time they've had a bit of a wash and cleaned their teeth, they're feeling much more awake, especially since they might not be as tired as they were when they first dropped off to sleep; so it can take some time for them to get to sleep after that. If they can, it can be better if they traipse off to bed when they're beginning to feel drowsy earlier in the evening, even if it seems like a pain to go to bed so early.
"Panicked feelings can often come on when people are trying to get to sleep; and then a person can be worried not only by that, but by knowing that they're going to suffer from sleep deprivation if their anxiety symptoms keep them awake for hours. But since panic will come on more the more a person worries about it, because worry will increase the anxiety that makes panic worse, it can be best for them to just think something like, 'Here goes my body getting more stressed than it needs to be again!', and then to let the panic sweep over them till it subsides, and they can get some rest, even though it'll be bound to be very unpleasant while it lasts. The more they can dismiss panic feelings as just caused by an over-stressed and tired nervous system that's being over-active for a while, rather than worrying that something serious is wrong, the quicker the panic's likely to subside, because they won't be stirring it up by increasing their anxiety.
"If the panic's come on partly because of worrying thoughts, it can help to recognise that the thoughts can seem more alarming than they really are when they're accompanied by anxious feelings. The same thoughts wouldn't cause so much alarm if a person had them when they were feeling totally relaxed. So a person can resolve to think about them another time, and imagine them floating away from them for the time being, such as by imagining them floating out of their eyes and nose as they breathe out, and being blown into the sky and away on a gentle breeze.
"Worried thoughts can be returned to if necessary during the daytime, when a person feels more ready to cope with them; and then they can work on how to solve their problems, or get other people's help to make that easier. Once problems begin to be solved, sleep will often start to come more easily.
"Sometimes when trying to get to sleep, it can help to lie and listen to all the noises you hear coming from outside, - if you can actually hear any, - and to think about those, which can help you not to get absorbed in worrying thoughts, so you get a break from them. Your worrying thoughts might still come to mind; but it can help if without getting annoyed or upset by them, you gently bring your attention back to listening for outside noises each time that happens. The less worked up by worry you become, the easier it'll be to drift off to sleep.
"Having said that, unexpected noises that occur just when a person's drifting off to sleep can be jarring, and jolt them awake. If that keeps happening to you, it can sometimes be a good idea to go somewhere else for a break if possible. Then when you've become less anxious, and you've come back, it's possible that although unexpected noises will still be annoying, they won't trigger off as much anxiety as they did before, so it'll at least be easier to recover from the jolt they caused and get to sleep.
"Sometimes a person's desperation for sleep can actually keep them awake, because they're so worried about not having had enough sleep that the tension and worry it causes actually keeps them awake. It can help if they remind themselves that the body's normally very good at putting people to sleep, and that if sleep doesn't come much one night, it'll likely come soon. It can help if they occupy their minds with something like relaxation exercises, such as breathing very very slowly and steadily, imagining they're somewhere where they enjoy being. That can help put them into a more relaxed state, where sleep is more likely to come on.
"Apart from having a good sleep, relaxing during the day is pretty important for increasing well-being too, because it can reduce anxiety. So if there's anything you enjoy, or think you might enjoy, it'll be worth doing more of it when you have the time. Some people enjoy doing things like yoga, or playing the piano or some other instrument, or exercising to music or comedies on the radio or TV and so on, or taking their dog for a walk around a park or somewhere else they can feel soothed in, or going to dance classes, playing a sport, going out with friends, getting engrossed in enjoyable books, or other things that can help them relax or find more enjoyment in life. It's actually a necessity to do things to help yourself feel soothed and find pleasure in life, so you can recharge your batteries to help you function better."
Becky carried on, "One of the books I read says that people won't suffer from anxiety disorders if all the emotional needs they have are being met, since anxiety disorders mean that either something in their lives isn't going well enough for them to function well, or that for one reason or another, they've got into the habit of unwittingly misusing their imaginations to envision bad things happening, instead of imagining possibilities that could help them improve their futures. There might be some other things that cause anxiety too; but these books still do say some interesting stuff.
"If you can work out what isn't going right in your life, it's possible you could focus your attention on thinking about what to do to try to make things better.
"If you can set aside time to think about that kind of thing, it'll be easier for you to think in-depth about what's wrong in your life, and to think about possibilities that could help remedy your problems. It'll be best if you can find a way to calm yourself down before you start, so you can think more clearly about what to do, since anxiety can block out careful painstaking thought, making people more easily and quickly jump to conclusions about how bad things are, and less able to think about how to change their lives so they could improve, since it compels people to focus just on what's wrong, and on quick fixes that might not be the best long-term solutions, such as drinking alcohol to relieve the stress.
"But if you can relax enough for a while to get into a mood where you can carefully think of things that are diminishing your quality of life, and try to think up some ideas about how you might be able to improve things, I've got some information that could help you think through just what's wrong, and a few suggestions on how to go about putting some things right.
"Some people's anxiety can have first come on when they were experiencing abnormally stressful events in their lives. When that's happened, it can help some people to prevent future flare-ups of it if they can recognise stressful events as warning signs that mean they need to spend more time relaxing, or doing something else to ease any anxiety they're feeling, because their brains might have become especially sensitised to stress. But often there isn't anything people can think of that was especially stressful at the time when their anxiety first came on.
"But it doesn't really matter if they can't think of what brought it on. It isn't important for a person to know about that for them to be able to alleviate the symptoms of their anxiety, since there are things people can do to help themselves regardless of what caused it.
"One of those things is to take some kind of action to try to satisfy the emotional needs some psychologists say everyone has. There are certain things people apparently need in their lives to be emotionally healthy. People at least need some of them to function at a level that's OK for them. I'll tell you what they are in a minute.
"If someone's got a thinking style where they tend to automatically jump to conclusions and think the worst, they might think they've got less going for them than they really have. But even when people have got a fair amount going for them, if there's at least one area in their lives that's causing them some major dissatisfaction, it can still lead to anxiety problems.
"So if you can first do some things to relax, you might then find it easier to calmly work out which needs aren't being met in your life, and to ponder on what you might be able to do to remedy what's lacking in it. These are the emotional needs some psychologists say everyone has:
"Firstly, security's one important need people have, - not just physical safety, but emotional security too; for instance, it's important to live in an environment where you can feel free to be yourself, instead of constantly worrying about what other people are going to say or do if they decide you're not living up to the standards they want from you, or for some other reason, for example if you have to spend time with people who are harsh to you, whether that be at home or school or work, or elsewhere.
"The need for security also includes not having to cope with too many unsettling changes in short succession, and not having financial difficulties that make you wonder how you're going to cope, as well as having no health concerns that are serious enough to make you worry your quality of life might be about to drastically change for the worse, and other things like that.
"And people can also lose their sense of security if they feel shaken up because they or someone they know was recently a victim of crime, and they're scared it'll happen again. And that kind of thing.
"It might be hard to think of possible solutions to some of those problems. But sometimes, confiding in friends or professional counsellors, or people like that, can at least help people feel better.
"Giving and receiving attention's also important for people's well-being, although the two of them need to be in balance. For instance, having to give so much attention to other people, such as children, or friends who always want a sympathetic ear, to the point that you have to give up time for them that you'd prefer to spend doing other things, and where it saps your energy, while you're not receiving support from people who understand and are sympathetic to your own needs, can naturally be wearing.
"But spending too much time alone, without interacting with other people, can be demoralising, if you'd prefer company. So can feeling as if no one's interested enough in what you think or feel to care about what you've got to say.
"Or some people don't get as much attention as they'd like to because they're painfully shy, or scared to participate in social gatherings because of exaggerated worries they have about making mistakes and looking bad, and being judged for it, and so on.
"Some people get a lot of attention by creating dramas and playing up their anxiety problems; but there might be a healthier way for them to get the attention they need.
"According to the book I read these things in, giving attention's as important for emotional well-being as receiving it is. Maybe that's because it can help improve a person's mood if they can focus their attention outwards onto other people or things, because it'll be a diversion from the worrying thoughts that can go round and round in the mind of someone with anxiety till they feel worse and worse.
"Focusing attention outwards might be especially helpful when a person's doing it by spending time doing enjoyable things with friends; but caring for other people's needs can often be a good way of doing that too, as long as it isn't putting too much stress on them, partly because it can sometimes give people a satisfying sense of self-worth and make their lives feel more meaningful while they do that, making them feel wanted and appreciated.
"Listening carefully to what other people want to say can help people divert attention from their worries for a while too, as well as leading to improvements in the relationships and friendships they have with the people they're listening to, that can help improve their quality of life.
"Just to give an example, it might work like that if you were in a relationship that had got into a rut, where bad habits on both sides were making you both more unhappy, and your husband or wife often wanted to express their thoughts and feelings, but conversations never usually got very far, because you always tended to assume you knew what they had to say, and didn't want to hear it, because you didn't think you'd like it, or you didn't think it was worth bothering to listen to; so it couldn't lead to discussions about how to make the relationship better in the future. But then if you decided for some reason that it would be worth giving them a chance to say more, trying not to be defensive, but to hear them out, it might turn out that they said interesting things you hadn't expected; or else they might say things that might cause you feelings of aggravation at first, but then it might lead to some worthwhile conversations that resulted in you both trying to change your ways a bit, which could end up causing improvements in the relationship.
"So that kind of paying attention to people can sometimes be for the best.
"There are other ways of giving and getting attention that might similarly sometimes be for the best, but won't necessarily be, such as where some people do things for attention that they wouldn't want to do if it wasn't for their desire to get it from someone they want to get it from, such as getting involved in a hobby a new boyfriend or girlfriend likes to do, just so they can be with them, when they'd really be happier doing something else.
"If you do that, it might be worth questioning whether the relationship might actually be improved because your happiness levels would increase if you, say, both did the things you like separately, getting attention from other people in the process, while trying to find new hobbies you'd both enjoy together, if that's a possibility. If it isn't, at least you might be able to amuse or entertain each other by telling each other any funny or interesting stories about things that have happened while you were enjoying your separate hobbies, if anything you or they might be interested in actually does happen during those times. ... Well, that's just a thought anyway.
"But getting back to talking about other emotional needs people have, another one is for people to feel as if they're in control of their lives and the decisions they make.
"For example, if they've got more responsibility than they feel they can cope with, or too many tasks to do at work than they feel as if they can really handle, people can feel overwhelmed. But if they're stuck doing boring tasks, and decisions are made by others that affect them, sometimes in bad ways, but they haven't got any say in them, that can lead to people feeling frustrated, and dissatisfied with life, and depressed or anxious.
"And it's similar in other parts of life; people can feel frustrated and powerless if someone else has got too much influence or power over them, and makes decisions they don't like, but they can't do anything to change them, for whatever reason. For instance, if someone's living with their parents who have rules they think restrict their freedom, and the rules don't really make sense to them, that can lead to a build-up of stress in them. Likewise if a person's living with a controlling relationship partner.
"Even a new baby can reduce a person's control over their life, because of all the extra responsibility and stress they have, what with having to sacrifice their sleep to get up at night to tend to them, and having to stay in in the evenings looking after them when they used to enjoy nights out, and having to immediately drop what they're doing when the baby cries to look after them, and so on.
"Or older children's behaviour can leave parents thinking they haven't got the control they'd like to have, which can lead to them being scared of bad things happening, such as if they can't get their children to study properly, so they worry they'll fail their exams and end up failing at life as a result.
"Or some people lose control over parts of their lives because they develop health problems or disabilities that mean they just can't do a lot of the things they'd like to do any more, or if they have debts, and they're always worrying that things will be taken out of their control, such as if their house is repossessed.
"Or sometimes it's a person's worries that they feel are out of their control.
"So there are a lot of things that can cause anxiety in a person's life that would stop doing it if the person found a way to change them, or in some cases, if they somehow found a way to adjust to them. It can often improve a person's anxiety levels if they can get support and good advice from other people, such as if they find online forums where there are supportive people who can give them decent advice, or at least empathy. And sometimes there are professional organisations that can give good advice, such as advice and help to sort out debts with people they owe money to, such as by working out a system where they can pay in instalments.
"Another emotional need people have that's important for well-being is if they have enough privacy to do their own thing sometimes, where they can ponder on things without being interrupted. It really helps if a person has a place in their home or somewhere else where they can get away to do something they enjoy, where they can be pretty sure they won't be interrupted, and where they can spend time thinking things through on their own, at a pace that feels comfortable to them, or where they don't feel as if they're constantly being watched.
"An example of the kind of problems that can often happen is that someone with children can feel as if their privacy could be invaded at any moment by them making demands on them, or prying into their personal things.
"Some people can sometimes find a way around that, such as if their children are old enough to respect a 'Do not disturb unless it's serious' sign on the door, or if there's a place outside the house where the person can go to be alone, such as a local wood they can go for a walk in on their own to relax sometimes, if they know someone else will be looking after their children at the time.
"Sometimes people can get to feel overwhelmed, because they're always being bothered by notifications coming up on their phones, that they feel as if they need to look at when they come up, even if chances are they're not important. Turning them off for a while can sometimes make people feel more relaxed, and as if they can enjoy some privacy better.
"Another emotional need people have is to feel as if they're part of the wider community, instead of feeling isolated, or as if they don't belong. People tend to feel happier if they feel as if they're part of some kind of group, where they can socialise with people, or all work together to achieve something worthwhile, and feel a sense of solidarity in the effort, instead of feeling isolated, and as if they don't really belong or have meaningful interactions with other people.
"Getting involved in voluntary work with a team of other people can sometimes make people feel better about their lives, because their lives feel more meaningful, and they've got connections with other people that make them feel better; or it can help if they've got a set-up with neighbours where they talk to each other and do favours for each other, - as long as there's no pressure to do more than they're happy doing. Or hobbies such as exercise or arts classes that enable people to socialise while they're doing something they enjoy, or activities that help the local community, can lift people's spirits. And other things like that can help.
"Some people find that when they start doing things for other people, the worries that have been working them up with anxiety fade for some time, because they stop focusing on them for a while. So helping others can be a way to reduce anxiety. But then, some people who already spend a lot of time caring for other people can find their anxiety reduces if they can make time to get away and do more enjoyable things for themselves, partly because it can give them a break from the burden of worrying about other people's needs.
"And enjoying themselves can distract people from their anxiety too, such as if they're the kinds of people who can take pleasure in walking in nature, and they start doing that more often, making efforts to observe any interesting or touching things that are going on around them, and the beauty of their surroundings, instead of focusing on their worries, so they're having a soothing break from their anxiety. Or, to give another example, if a person's having a conversation with a friend, and really listening to what they're saying, and sometimes asking questions to encourage their friend to say more things, instead of being absorbed in their worries, they can find afterwards that their anxiety's diminished, because they haven't been focusing their attention on it.
"Or sometimes it can help people to invite friends round, and concentrate on cooking them something really nice, so thoughts about doing that are crowding out their usual anxious thoughts. Another way of forgetting anxious thoughts for a while can be to get absorbed in an interesting book, so as to escape from worries for a time.
"But some people try to cope with their anxiety by isolating themselves, so they don't have the stress of having panic attacks or feeling really anxious in public. That might at least shield them from horrible strong emotions for a while. But when they've learned to control their anxiety, getting out in public again, - for instance by joining a sports club or an evening class, or some kind of social get-together with friends, or by doing some kind of voluntary work in a team where they can make new friends, can start to make them actually feel good about life again.
"Some people who used to do that kind of thing have given it up, because they developed health problems, or they got new responsibilities, such as if they had a new baby, or because their anxiety problems got worse and made it harder to participate in them. But people can get more satisfaction in life if they manage to still think of ways they could somehow be part of their communities, - or at least if they can when their problems are no longer so bad.
"Another emotional need some psychologists say people have is to have some kind of close connection to at least one other person who accepts them for who they are, who they can enjoy having the kinds of conversations they're most interested in having with, and who they can pour out their hearts to on occasions when they feel the need to, confident of receiving sympathy and understanding from someone who's willing to help or give good advice if they need it.
"I think some people's anxiety might come on after they lose someone like that in their lives, either because they've died, or because they lose touch with them for some other reason, so they start feeling lonely, and less able to cope, because they don't have someone to confide in any more.
"Some people find that when they start doing things for other people, the worries that have been working them up with anxiety fade for some time, because they stop focusing on them for a while. So helping others can be a way to reduce anxiety. But then, some people who already spend a lot of time caring for other people can find their anxiety reduces if they can make time to get away and do more enjoyable things for themselves, partly because it can give them a break from the burden of worrying about other people's needs.
"And enjoying themselves can distract people from their anxiety too, such as if they're the kinds of people who can take pleasure in walking in nature, and they start doing that more often, making efforts to observe any interesting or touching things that are going on around them, and the beauty of their surroundings, instead of focusing on their worries, so they're having a soothing break from their anxiety. Or, to give another example, if a person's having a conversation with a friend, and really listening to what they're saying, and sometimes asking questions to encourage their friend to say more things, instead of being absorbed in their worries, they can find afterwards that their anxiety's diminished, because they haven't been focusing their attention on it.
"Or sometimes it can help people to invite friends round, and concentrate on cooking them something really nice, so thoughts about doing that are crowding out their usual anxious thoughts. Another way of forgetting anxious thoughts for a while can be to get absorbed in an interesting book, so as to escape from worries for a time.
"But some people try to cope with their anxiety by isolating themselves, so they don't have the stress of having panic attacks or feeling really anxious in public. That might at least shield them from horrible strong emotions for a while. But when they've learned to control their anxiety, getting out in public again, - for instance by joining a sports club or an evening class, or some kind of social get-together with friends, or by doing some kind of voluntary work in a team where they can make new friends, can start to make them actually feel good about life again.
"Another thing is that it also helps people's sense of well-being if they feel as if they're valued in some way by at least a few people, or at the very least one, or at least if they're doing something they can take pride in, so they feel as if they've got some kind of significance in life. A person's mental health can suffer if they feel as if they're not appreciated for the things they do, or as if they're a failure compared to other people.
"But if you're feeling like that, it probably isn't too late to try to think of ways you could have a go at improving things, such as training in something you think you'd be good at, or getting involved in a community project you care about or something. You can probably think of better ideas for what you could try than I could come up with, because you'll have more of an idea of what would suit you personally.
"People also need to feel mentally stimulated, as if they're doing things that give their brains a bit of a work-out, which can make them feel more alive, or interested in life.
"And they need to feel as if they're achieving something worthwhile in life, so life feels more interesting or worth carrying on with than it might if it just felt like tedious drudgery. People can feel discontented if they haven't got those things in their lives.
"But naturally, it can also be stressful if what they're being asked to do is beyond their brain's ability to cope, given the knowledge and skill level they've got at the moment. There needs to be a happy medium, ideally, between a person having to try to cope with things that are too hard for them to deal with, and having to spend a lot of their lives doing boring things.
"So where it's possible to do something about any of those things, it can improve a person's sense of well-being and reduce their anxiety.
"People also need to feel as if they've got at least one skill they're good at, that makes them feel as if they're capable of succeeding at something, whether that be being a good parent, or being a good cook, or doing their paid job successfully, or whatever. That'll help boost their self-esteem to healthy levels. And it can lift their spirits and self-esteem even more if they know they're appreciated for it.
"And people need to have a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives, so they've got a reason to go on living, and so they can think their lives are at least good for something. People need to feel needed, or as if they're contributing something of value to society, or working towards something they believe in, if they're going to be truly mentally healthy. Some people can get that kind of fulfilment in their lives by doing a bit of work for charity, or for people they know, or if they help other people in other ways.
"Or it helps if people have some kind of cause they feel committed to, that they believe will help to make the world a better place, or that will at least make part of it better, such as if they're involved in efforts to try to make their neighbourhood or country a better place to live in in some way. That can give people more of a feeling that their life has meaning, so they can get a sense that it's worthwhile.
"And working for something that takes their thoughts far beyond the old patterns that plagued them before, where old anxious thoughts would repeat themselves over and over again in their brains and upset them, can increase people's quality of life.
"And they can feel better too because they can get a comforting sense of solidarity with people who are working for the same things as they are, because they can share some kind of bond with them, because the people involved can sometimes all identify with each other in some way, or at least be willing to be supportive of each other, because of the dedication to work for what they're working towards that they all have in common.
"And people need to feel as if there are things in life that interest them too, so life doesn't just feel like a boring slog.
"It can help if a person tries to think of ways they can get all those emotional needs met in their lives in some way. I think I mentioned before that some psychologists think that even lacking one of them can lead to anxiety.
"But on the other hand, if people think about all those needs, they can sometimes realise they've got more going for them than they thought they had, so that can relieve some of their anxiety.
"Sometimes, pondering over those things can help people think of ways they could change their lives so as to make them better. Or they can become more optimistic about life, knowing that just as soon as they've managed to control their panic attacks and other anxiety problems, they'll be able to give attention to meeting their emotional needs, so as to improve their lives enough to give them a decent quality, and reduce the chances of bad mental health returning."
Becky continued, "You could take inspiration from the information about people's emotional needs to work out how to go about improving things in your life, and then set yourself specific goals to achieve, - nothing too huge at once, in case you get discouraged if you don't achieve it as well as you're hoping to do, - but things you feel confident about being able to achieve over time. You could plan in detail the ways you intend to achieve them.
"It's best if you make the goals you set to aim for pretty specific, so you've got a clear idea of exactly what you need to do to achieve them. So For instance, if you'd like to have a goal of becoming less anxious, you could break that down into specific things you could aim for, such as being able to fly in a plane if you've got a fear of flying that you'd like to overcome, or feeling free to accept an invitation to a party if you've been too scared to do that for some time, or being OK with letting your adult children govern their own lives instead of trying to control them for fear they'll make mistakes, if that's been a problem, and so on. The idea is that you'll have precise ideas for what to aim for when you set your goals.
"It might help you envisage how your life could be different and better if you imagine what it would be like if you woke up one morning and were surprised to realise that your anxiety had just gone away, and think about the things you would do then. Then you could gradually work towards achieving those things, while you work towards recovery from anxiety."
Becky carried on, "Some people's lives are hobbled by the anxious negative thoughts that go through their minds a lot of the time, that make them fearful that things are, - or else will be, - worse than they really are or will be. Some people aren't even all that conscious that they're thinking those thoughts as much as they are, because they're so used to them that they just flow through their minds semi-consciously. But they can really discourage them from trying to do things that'll improve their lives, because they can make them feel more and more convinced that they'll fail. For instance, some people can have thoughts that are like a running commentary going through their heads, where they keep thinking things like, 'This is going to be bad! I'll fail at this! I'm not good enough! I won't be able to cope!'
"The more thoughts like that go through people's minds, the less confident they'll likely feel, so the less likely they'll be to try new things that might increase their quality of life.
"But people can combat those kinds of thoughts, instead of just believing them.
"Some people find it helpful to carry a notebook with them for a few days, and write down every negative thought they catch coming into their minds. People can end up surprised there are so many. And that can help them realise it really would be worth doing something to get rid of them.
"One example of the way disputing negative thoughts that come to mind can help some people is if they think about how realistic they really are, or whether they could in reality be one-sided, such as if they make them feel like a failure because they remind them of what they've done wrong, without reminding them of the things that have gone right in their lives.
"If you come to realise your thoughts aren't representing reality accurately, they can lose their power to make you feel miserable.
"So, for instance, if a thought comes up in your mind that tells you you're just not good enough, you could try to think of reasons why it might not be accurate, and then counter it by deliberately thinking something like, 'OK, I might not be wise enough to do everything right; but I'm doing my best in difficult circumstances that would make lots of people feel unsure about what the right thing to do is.'
"Or, to give another example, if you start blaming yourself for being late for things as often as you are, you could remind yourself that you have still been on time quite often, if you have.
"Or if you start feeling as if there are things in life you'll just never cope with, you can remind yourself of all the difficult things you've coped successfully with in the past, to encourage yourself.
"Or if you don't think you're coming up to your ideal standards, and start thinking you must be a bad person because of that, you could counter such thoughts by thinking things like, 'I've made mistakes and don't do everything right, but I often do do my best for people.'
"Or if you're tempted to blame yourself for things, thinking they were all your fault, you could ask yourself how fair to you those thoughts really are; and if you realise they're not entirely fair, you could remind yourself that although you might be partly to blame for what happened, part of the responsibility for it lies with other people too, or else what happened was just unavoidable.
"Or if you feel overwhelmed about something, and start thinking it's too much for you to manage, you could think to yourself that if you can't do it all, you'll at least do what you can. Or you could decide you'll relax yourself with some slow, slow breathing, and then see how you feel about it then.
"Or if there's a party coming up, and you start thinking you'll be really really upset if you don't get invited to it, you could reason with your thoughts that even if you don't, there will likely be other parties you'll be able to get to go to at some point, so although it'll be disappointing not to get to go to the one coming up, it won't be the end of the world if you don't.
"Or a student might be anxious about their essays not being perfect, so they never hand them in on time, because they're always trying to make them better. They might fret about being disciplined for that by their professors, feeling aggrieved that the professors don't seem to understand that they're just trying to make their essays better, and that's why they keep missing the deadlines; but they could reason with themselves that their essays don't really have to be perfect, just good enough, since after all, in reality, perfection's unrealistic for anyone, and it's better to hand imperfect essays in than to miss the deadline and risk getting no marks at all.
"Or they might be so discouraged about the idea of failing that they think it would be better not to bother trying at all than to do what they can, but then to end up disappointed or unpleasantly surprised if they do fail; but they could reason with themselves that they can at least try their best, and that for all they know, they might get a good mark, and that even if they don't, handing work in will give their professor the opportunity to look at it and give them advice about where they can improve, so they can do better next time.
"It seems that a lot of anxious people worry a lot about possible future disasters, such as car crashes or diseases that might take them unawares and wipe out their families; or they brood on past failures, such as relationship break-ups or lost jobs, depressing themselves by thinking about what they could have done differently to have made things go better. It's best if someone who does that tries to refocus their mind on the present, such as by asking themselves if there's anything they can do now to prevent such things from happening in the future, such as making sure their car's regularly serviced, so as to at least reduce the risk of a car crash happening because their car's not in proper working order.
"If there's nothing they can do about past events, and nothing they can learn from them so as to get some ideas about how they can try to do things better in the future, it's best if they can make up their minds to stop worrying about them. That's easier said than done; but there are at least techniques people can use to help them.
"One technique some people find helpful is to say, 'Stop!', loudly in their minds, when an annoying or upsetting worry comes to mind. It's a reminder to themselves and an instruction to their brain to stop thinking about it for a while. Then they can deliberately move on to thinking about or doing something else.
"Sometimes worries can be put in perspective if you deliberately imagine more and more unlikely catastrophic scenarios, or get someone to help you do that, till the whole idea of them just makes you want to smile or laugh. For instance, if you're worried about making mistakes at a social gathering and being laughed at for them, you could dream up more and more bizarre mistakes you could end up making, such as tripping over and knocking someone's drink over as you fall, and it falling on the head of the pet dog of the owner of the house, which might then rush off and plunge its head down the loo to try to wash off the drink on its head, which might cause several people to jump up and freak out, trying to stop it.
"Some people with anxiety problems have low self-esteem, sometimes brought about by being often told when they were younger that they weren't good enough, and similar things, till they came to believe them. Or sometimes low self-esteem comes about because a person comes to feel as if they've failed in life, for reasons such as that they've lost a job or a relationship, and they partly blame themselves. When a person's self-esteem drops a lot, their thoughts can get more and more extreme the more they worry about what's gone wrong, because that's what happens when people are in high states of emotion; so they can end up with thoughts of blame and failure going round and round in their minds, making them feel more and more demoralised.
"An antidote to that can be getting out and about, and doing activities with other people where they might build up supportive friendships, and get to do things that build up their sense of accomplishment again, because they're achieving worthwhile things, and maybe learning new skills. That can boost their self-esteem again, so their thoughts of failure can fade, partly because they'll easily be able to bring to mind their successes, and partly because focusing on more enjoyable or interesting things will automatically displace anxious thoughts in their minds, at least while they're doing them, and afterwards when they're thinking about them.
"Helping other people can really boost a person's sense of their own value too, if they're doing it in a way that isn't stressing them out too much.
"When thoughts are going through your head that are telling you that things are hopeless and that you're no good, and things like that, it'll be natural to just automatically believe they're true, especially when you're in a high state of emotion, where the part of the brain that thinks logically isn't so operational, so it's less likely to be able to help you dispute your thinking by reminding you of reasons why it's too extreme. But if you've thought of reasons why those things aren't true while you're calmer, it'll be easier to remind yourself of them when you start to feel more anxious.
"That kind of thing will help as well when problems come up, and anxious thinking makes them seem hopeless. When you're calmer, it'll often be easier to think of reasons why they're not as bad as they seem, for instance because you realise there are other ways of thinking about them that make it easier to think of solutions.
"For instance, in an anxious state, someone might think, 'Oh no, why did I allow my relatives to talk me into letting them visit me for the weekend; I always feel so tired afterwards when they do that, and it's a pain to have to be with them for so long! I'm going to hate this!' Thoughts like that can make them feel more and more depressed as they flood their brain.
"But if they can take a break to relax, or if they deliberately get into the habit of thinking in other ways, solutions might come more easily, such as if they analyse exactly what makes them so tired, and think up changes to the usual routine they have when their parents visit them that'll make things better, such as if it's always a drag to cook for their relatives and do so much washing-up afterwards, and to have to spend so much time trying to make polite conversation with them, but a solution might be to suggest to them that they all go out to eat a few times during the weekend, and to find out about places of interest they can all go to visit, so it won't be necessary to spend so much time cooking for them, and there'll be diversions to keep them occupied, so there won't be so much free time where the person feels as if they have to make an effort to think of things to talk about with them.
"Also, it can be natural to just think about the bad things, because they stir up the most emotion, which makes them come to mind the most easily; but there might be good things it's harder to think of at first, but that the person can think of if they try, such as if having their relatives round for the weekend would be a good opportunity to catch up on their news, and that it'll stop them feeling as lonely as they normally do, and prevent them from spending so much time sitting alone worrying till they feel worse and worse, as they've often done before.
"Or someone might easily assume that when their boyfriend criticises them, it must mean he doesn't really love them. But they could try thinking of alternative possibilities, such as that the boyfriend's just trying to be helpful, if the criticism's actually constructive, or that it's just in his personality to really want things to go better, or that he might not mean to be hurtful, and just doesn't realise that what he says will be taken so hard.
"Another example is that instead of brooding depressively on having been an unwanted child, a person could think of more positive aspects of it, such as thinking that since they know what it's like to be unwanted, they might have the ability to empathise more with other people who were, or that it's helped them appreciate knowing there are people in their lives who do care about them, like their friends, knowing they've actively chosen them to be their friend, and that it's nice to know they have some people who do care about them, instead of just taking that kind of thing for granted, like people might if they've always been loved.
"And sometimes it'll be possible for them to understand their parents' perspective better if they ponder on it, such as if some people reflect on the fact that their mother was only a teenager when she had them, not ready for motherhood, and it was a major disruption to her life, so it's understandable that she wasn't too happy to have a child, - although naturally that wouldn't justify abusive behaviour.
"But if there were people in the person's childhood who did give them care and help, and paid some good attention to them, they can remind themselves of that, and console themselves by thinking their childhood wasn't a total loss.
"Or if a person's feeling critical of themselves because they find it hard to say no to things, so they end up being overloaded with work, they can console themselves by thinking that it might be that things need to change, but that at least it must mean they're not selfish, and that they like to be helpful, which shows good character.
"Or if a person's getting depressed because they know they ought to do more exercise, but they never feel like it, then instead of just worrying about their health failing if they don't do it, or feeling down because they don't want to do it, thinking about possibilities for change might help them plan things to do that could make exercise feel like less of a slog, such as exercising with friends they can talk to while they're doing it, or listening to interesting radio programmes or putting comedies on while they're doing it, or doing something else that'll help them take their minds off it a bit, so doing it will be easier.
"It's typical for people with problems with anxiety or depression to assume that bad things are more permanent than they're really likely to be. So, for instance, if you feel hopeless because all your romantic relationships so far have failed, you might be tempted to brood on the thought that all the failure you've had must mean you'll never have a romantic relationship that works. But instead, you could try taking a more optimistic perspective, thinking you just haven't met the right person yet.
"The same more optimistic point of view could help you in lots of other situations too: For instance, if your experience has been that for ages your anxiety has sky-rocketed in supermarkets, and you're feeling hopeless about it, it might help you if you can try to change your perspective even just a bit, such as by thinking to yourself something more like, 'Up till now, I've been anxious in supermarkets'. That could give you more optimism that things might change, at least if you've discovered some calming techniques you think might help you in future.
"Or if you've tried to give up smoking, but always failed before, you might be tempted to think things are hopeless, and that you'll never be able to; but you might come round to having a more optimistic point of view if you deliberately change your thoughts, so you start thinking something more like, 'I've failed in the past, but now that I really want to do it, I'm more likely to succeed; and I'll investigate any new techniques that might be more effective than the ones I tried before.'
"Or if you find yourself thinking you'll never get over the feeling of hurt and betrayal that was caused by someone you were once in a romantic relationship with having an affair, or something like that, you could actually gain a bit more control over those feelings, so they'll at least seem less permanent and hopeless, by just thinking something more like, 'At the moment, this is really upsetting me.' Thoughts like that will automatically convey the message to your mind that your bitter and upset feelings don't have to be permanent.
"Or if you find yourself thinking there's just no solution to your problems, and that you're stuck with them, you could deliberately take a more hopeful perspective by thinking, 'I haven't found a useful way of dealing with this yet.'
"Changing your perspective like that can help you focus on trying to change things to make them better, because once you start feeling as if there might be more cause for optimism than you thought there was, you'll likely think it's more worth trying to think of solutions, or carrying on working towards what you really want, despite the setbacks.
"So every time you catch yourself thinking something depressing about yourself or other people, or about things that have happened or that will happen, - as long as you're not so anxious or depressed that it'll be hard to comprehend that it could be possible that there could be any different way to look at them, because your brain's so full of emotion that although you might not realise it at the time, clear thinking's become impossible for a while, - you could try to think about whether there are alternative ways of looking at things that make them seem less bleak, either because there are solutions to problems you hadn't thought to think about before, or because you can realise things aren't really as hopeless as you've been thinking they are. If you can think of possible positive things about the situations, or at least ways in which they're less negative than you've been thinking they are, it'll give you a more optimistic perspective on things, so your anxiety will fade a bit."
Becky continued, "Standing up for yourself when you're unfairly criticised can make you feel better about yourself. Some people have learned to feel helpless and as if there's no point in standing up for themselves because they were criticised or blamed unfairly so often as a child by people who refused to listen to their protests that they've come to believe it's pointless to bother explaining their point of view, and the attitude has become so instinctive in them that they still don't feel as if there's any point, even as adults. If you realise you think that way, making a deliberate effort to stand up for yourself can make you feel better, even if you still sometimes don't get listened to, because you'll at least have justified yourself instead of letting yourself just feel downtrodden.
"So, for instance, if a boss gets impatient with you for not finishing a bit of work sooner, and seems to assume you're just unacceptably slow, but there's a good reason why you couldn't finish it sooner, instead of just feeling demoralised, you could explain to them the reasons why you couldn't finish it more quickly, and reassure them that it'll be done soon, if it will be. And you'll likely feel better for doing that, even if the boss isn't convinced by your explanation. At least you'll know you had the courage to speak up for yourself and explain your point of view."
Becky said a few more words, and then finished her lecture.
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