By Diana Holbourn
Becky Gives Lectures at her Old University About Overcoming Anxiety Problems
Book eight of the online Becky Bexley series. Continued.
This series accompanies the books about what Becky does at university and afterwards, which you can find out more about on my author website. (The online series is in draft form.)
A couple of hours before Becky's last lecture, she met up with the student friends she'd met up with before her other lectures to have a chat.
During the conversation, one of them said, "Remember last time Becky did a lecture we were talking about funny signs that have been seen? Well you even get typos and other daft things in information written by managers and other professional people; I found a website where it listed some mistakes made in reports by lawyers and people like that. It said one was, 'The state was able to prove a delectable amount of cocaine was present on the premises.' I think that was meant to say detectable. Maybe it was a Freudian slip. Another one said, 'When the plaintiff could not perform her work obligations, the defendant fried her.' Ouch! But I expect it should really have said fired. Then there was one that said, 'Defendant requests a new trial before a fair and impractical jury.' It makes it sound as if he was guilty and thought a jury with no common sense might be more likely to acquit him. But the word the lawyer meant to use might have been impartial."
Becky and The students laughed. Then one sitting next to the one who'd just spoken said, "I've heard it's sometimes when mistakes are corrected that problems are caused! I read that once, a catalogue selling school uniforms and things had a wrong phone number printed in it for people to phone to order things, and the reason it was wrong was because some employee had been checking the catalogue before it went to print, and felt sure the phone number in it was wrong, so he changed it. But really, it was the first one in there that had been right, and the company had to pay to take over the phone number it was changed to so they'd still get the orders people rang up to make!
"And I heard something about someone who thought she could rely on the auto-correct function in Microsoft Word, who was really embarrassed, and didn't get a job she was hoping for, when it changed the surname of the employer she was writing to to something rude! She didn't check the letter to make sure everything was allright before sending it!"
One student smiled, saying, "Yes, it's good to check your work over properly. I've read about some funny sentences that were found in church newsletters. Some of them are things that might have looked perfectly fine to whoever wrote them at the time, because I think people sometimes know very well what they're trying to say themselves, so they assume that everyone else will, so they don't think about it too much; but if they'd waited a couple of days and then proof-read them, they might have half-forgotten what they'd written by then, and reading it afresh, they might have noticed the mistakes. Mind you, some of them would look funny straightaway. There are things like:
"'A worm welcome to all who have come today.'
And, 'During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.'
Another one was, 'Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.'
One funny one was, 'The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.'
Then there was, 'Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.'
One was, 'The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."'
And then there was, 'The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.'"
Another student said, grinning, "Oh I've read some funny bloopers from church newsletters on the Internet like that, like, 'The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession', and, 'A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.'"
Becky and the students chuckled.
Not long after that, Becky went to concentrate on some last-minute preparations for her lecture before she gave it.
Becky started her last lecture by saying, "There are quite a few practical things people can do to increase their well-being in life, to help them get over anxiety problems. I'm going to talk about Some today.
"One way of relieving stress is to find things you can laugh about. Laughter helps calm people down, as well as sometimes helping people get things in perspective, if they come to see a funny side of their problems, where that's possible.
"Reading a set of jokes or funny stories can help shift people's routine negative thinking patterns, at least for a little while, partly since unexpected things tend to happen in them, which, according to some psychologists, can break the pattern of the same negative expectations about what's going to happen going round and round in a person's brain. Or at least, they'll hopefully help people relax a bit.
"It can also help lighten your mood if you can think of as many funny things that happened in the past as you can, or things that made you laugh recently, and even write them down to remind yourself of them later, so you can smile at them from time to time to give you an entertaining break from worry. They might sometimes be things that weren't funny at the time, but that you could smile about later, such as your trousers beginning to fall down just as you walked into the boss's office. Some of those things might remind you that things that seemed stressful and catastrophic at the time turned out not to be as bad as you thought, and they had a funny side; so you might decide you don't need to take life as seriously as you've been taking it, because it might seem to you that the same kind of thing could be true of some other things.
"Or if it's stressful to remember some things that made you anxious, you might be able to take some of the anxiety out of some of them by playing with the images that come to mind when you think of them, such as imagining an angry boss who was shouting at you as a cartoon character, or a really really over-the-top one, or as if he was talking sternly to you while he was stark naked, as if he just didn't realise he was.
"It'll likely be therapeutic if you can actively look out for things you can laugh at, and try to find things that make you smile, for enough of the time that you'll be able to laugh at or find a bit of joy in something at least five times a day, whether some of those things be jokes you find, memories of things you've laughed at in the past that still bring a smile to your face, a funny film you decide to watch, a humorous book you read, or watching pet dogs playing in the park, or other things.
"It's not just that laughter makes people feel better, but looking out for amusing things will help you focus your attention onto things outside you, which will be a break from focusing it on miserable thoughts going round and round in your mind."
Becky carried on, "Another thing that could help lighten your mood for a while is if you can remind yourself of the things you've got going for you. It's easy and natural for people to dismiss the idea that anything could be going right for them if they're feeling bad, because that makes it hard for people to think of things that are going OK for them. But most people have probably got at least one thing going for them; and those things don't just have to include circumstances, but they could be things like character qualities and other things. For instance, the things you think about could be things about your personality, and experiences you've had that you've learned lessons from that might help you in the future. If you relax yourself a bit, so you're calmer, perhaps by taking some very very slow breaths for a while, it might be easier to bring things like that to mind.
"For instance, you could try working out what all the skills are that you've developed over the years that could help you in the future, and what experiences you learned from while you were developing them and doing other things that have made you wiser, and the things about your character that help you through life, and the things you've got and can do that increase your quality of life, and so on. You might have tended to take some of those things for granted, or to not believe they have any benefits when you're feeling depressed or anxious; but there might be reasons you can become more hopeful about them. For instance, if you're stressed because you've lost your job and you're worried you won't find another one, you could remind yourself of the jobs you've successfully held in the past, and the qualifications and skills you have that'll likely help you get another one at some point.
"Or if you've had a relationship break-up, and you get depressed by it and start assuming it's a sign that you must be a failure at relationships, you could remind yourself of the amount of time you've been in successful relationships for in the past before they went sour, which might at least give you a bit of confidence that you've got the ability to hold down successful relationships for a while. And you could think about the relationships you had that worked well for some time, to encourage yourself that you're at least not genuinely hopeless at having them at all.
"And if you start thinking about the things that went wrong in them, you could try thinking of those things as learning experiences, that can help you work out what you could do differently next time to try to increase the likelihood that your future relationships will be successful, whether that be changing your own behaviour in some way, or doing your best to avoid certain kinds of people who you know will cause problems in relationships.
"Or if you've done something for some time in the past that took staying power, even if it didn't have anything to do with relationships, you could remind yourself that you're capable of sticking with things even when you don't always enjoy it, and consider that that might mean you're capable of tolerating the effort it takes to work through problems in a relationship, or ones that are caused by other difficulties you might have.
"You might not think much of your achievements in life. But they might prove you can be more successful than you assume you can be. For instance, even if you've only got one qualification, it still proves you're capable of studying to pass an exam in something you're good at. Or if you sometimes do something that you know makes someone else happy, or which you can value yourself for, such as even just reading your children bedtime stories they enjoy, or knitting baby clothes for charity or something, you can take encouragement from knowing you're doing something of worth, which proves you're capable of it.
"And managing to cope through hardships, such as severe illnesses, or a divorce or job loss, no matter how stressful they've been, proves you have some strength of character.
"And you might have other qualities of character that can help see you through life too, such as if you're valued for being a sympathetic listener, or you're good with animals, and so on.
"It could help you if you write down a list of everything you can think of that you've got going for you, so you can remind yourself of it to give you a mood boost from time to time, such as skills, - including ones you've never thought of as all that important before, - and your achievements, and qualities of character you have, and things that improve your quality of life, and so on. Then you can read your list every now and then, to encourage yourself about things that could help you in life, or help you feel a bit more positive about yourself. Your list can be like an aid to help you realise things aren't really hopeless, and to help you think about things you can make use of in future, to help you build up your confidence, because you'll remember you've got the things on it going for you, so you can plan things to try in the future where you can make use of them."
Becky carried on, "A lot of people with anxiety problems find they quickly feel really anxious or depressed when they try something new that they're not confident of succeeding at, because if worries about failing come to mind, they can quickly become really stressed about the idea of doing it, because the emotional part of their brains will trigger off alarm signals, because emotional memories of past failures will make them sense danger unnecessarily. So people can quickly find themselves loaded down with depressive or anxious thoughts about failure and hopelessness.
"But if that happens to you, then if you can work out what's probably going on in that kind of situation, I expect you'll be able to guess by now that it'll be beneficial for you to try to counteract your brain's alarm signals as soon as you can, by bringing to mind as many of your successes in life as you can think of, to prove to yourself that you don't fail at everything.
"It might be hard to bring them to mind when you're feeling overloaded with worries about failure and panic signals. But if you come to be able to anticipate that you might feel anxious and worried when you attempt a new task, then one thing that can help you when you need it is if you write down a list beforehand of all your successes in life that you can think of, that'll prove you're capable of achieving good things, and look at that list, as well as any list you've written before of the things you've got going for you, like the qualities of character and skills you have that can help you succeed in life, whenever you just start to get a twinge of anxiety when you think about the new task you'll have to do, before your anxiety gets too bad. Reminding yourself of those things can help calm your anxiety down, and help you start feeling more optimistic.
"The more often you think about things like that when you start to feel anxiety about failing come on, the less likely the emotional part of your brain will be to continue to set off alarm signals when you face new challenges.
"You can also try to calm your anxiety down by disputing the negative thoughts that come to your mind when you're feeling pessimistic and anxious with more realistic ones, such as by telling yourself that you know you're not really a total failure, if you start thinking you are. And you could also try calming your anxiety down by relaxing yourself, and then enjoying yourself imagining succeeding, feeling confident as you imagine doing a task well that you've been worried about doing, and then imagining experiencing all the nice emotions you'll likely feel if you do succeed, such as pleasure at your success, and relief that you've accomplished it.
"The more often you imagine succeeding at it, the more confident you'll likely become that you really can succeed at it, so nervousness when you attempt the task for real is less likely to become so intense it causes you to make mistakes."
Becky continued, "As well as doing that kind of thing, there are physical things you can do that often decrease anxiety.
"Exercising can help with anxiety levels, because part of what makes anxiety more intense is the adrenaline that's released into the system when anxiety's sparked off, that's intended to give people the energy to run away or fight if the anxiety's being caused by something physically threatening. But because it often isn't, the adrenaline just leads to the anxiety feeling worse. So doing something energetic to use it up can help calm the feelings down, although it's best if it's something enjoyable, so it doesn't cause more stress that'll increase anxiety levels instead, or lead to guilt that makes anxiety worse if a person thinks they really should do it but they never get around to it, because they never feel like it. So exercising to your favourite music or with comedy programmes on in the background, or something else you'll like, or doing a kind of exercise you actually enjoy, will be the best way to get the desired effect, and the best way to get motivated to actually bother to get around to doing it.
"I was actually told by someone who's got an anxiety problem that exercise made it go away for a time, but when he couldn't get out to the gym for a while, where he'd done his exercise, it came back. I'm not saying that would happen with everyone; but I reckon exercising's certainly worth a try, since the books I've read recommend it.
"Some people like it best when they're exercising with a friend, such as going for a brisk walk in the fresh air with them where they're around nature, or playing a sport with them, where they can have some friendly competition that can make them feel more alive, partly because their adrenaline will be being used in a good way. Exercising with a friend can also help because if you don't feel like bothering to get up and exercise sometimes, they can encourage you to; and you can do the same for them when they don't feel like it.
"And if you're chatting with them at the same time as you're exercising, or paying attention to them, it'll mean you're not spending the time focusing on worries that might often automatically go round and round in your mind, that would make you more anxious; so that'll likely help your anxiety levels subside too.
"Still, if there's a kind of exercise you enjoy doing alone, it'll likely be just as good for you, if you focus on what you're doing, so you're not absorbed in worries while you're doing it, or if you're thinking about something that's giving you pleasure at the time, such as if you're enjoying nature or listening to something humorous or interesting on the radio, rather than brooding on anxious thoughts as you exercise, - although it could be a gratifying use of time if you discover you can manage to calmly think through decent solutions to problems while you're doing it. ... Of course, that won't be as much fun as it will be to listen to comedies while you're doing it, which might also help release your tension.
"A Healthy diet's important for good mental health too, although the two might not seem to be related. But the brain needs good physical nourishment as much as the rest of the body does to be healthy.
"So even if you're so busy or so lacking in energy that it's hard to find the time or the motivation to make healthy meals, then instead of just filling yourself up on junk food because it's easier and more convenient because it needs a lot less preparation before you eat it, it's worth thinking of a way to get more healthy food into your diet easily, such as by often eating some ready-shelled nuts you can snack on - if you like them of course, - as well as eating prepared and ready-washed vegetables that it's possible to buy in supermarkets and eat straightaway without having to do things such as chopping and peeling them first.
"And also you could eat fruit you can easily snack on, such as big packs of blueberries you can get from supermarkets, where you just have to rinse them before eating them, - although some of those things are so acidic that they can be corrosive to the teeth, and I've found it helps to pour milk over them to help neutralise their acidity, since it seems to stop that happening. I personally like to mix things like that with sultanas and sunflower seeds and things like that, that I just need to pour in and stir in before I eat the mixture. Those things are good for you, as well as making fruit taste nicer to me, which they might do for you as well. It could be worth you experimenting to see what you like best.
"Eating regular meals can help people too, since anxiety can sometimes come on more when people haven't had a good nourishing meal for a while. And surviving on sugary snacks for a while can actually increase anxiety, as can drinking too much alcohol, tea and coffee, and smoking, because they can cause the release of stress hormones, according to what I read, - not always immediately, but maybe sometimes when the good effects start wearing off, when the body's dealing with the after-effects."
Becky carried on, "Some people can realise that a lot of the thoughts they have when they're anxious are irrational, and tell themselves off to try to stop them going around and around in their minds; but anxious thoughts won't go away that way.
"Breaking the pattern of them by getting busy with something, especially in the company of others, which can lift the mood and stop people feeling so isolated, as well as providing a distraction from fears and worries, can relieve them, although it's important that the person understands that the fear sensations that are making their thoughts seem more scary are just exaggerated responses of an over-sensitised nervous system that's mistakenly triggering off fight or flight signals when there's no need, so they can accept them better, rather than being distracted from what they're trying to do all the time by worries about what on earth is going on. Keeping busy can bring some relief, because it can be a break from agitated worrying, and a break from focusing on the fear sensations more and more till they cause more and more distress, partly because the mind isn't on other things, and because worrying about them increases them more.
"So it'll help if you can occupy your mind by keeping busy, which will mean you're not spending so much time worrying over your fear symptoms. But on the other hand, don't try desperately to find things to do in an attempt to block the symptoms out of your mind, since the effort of doing that will make you feel more tense, so they might get worse because of that.
"Getting busy in a relaxing way can help. Things like hobby groups can help a lot of people, such as arts and crafts activity groups for people who like those, where they're doing things they enjoy, surrounded by people they can chat and listen to in a friendly environment. A person can feel worse if they're just isolated with their worries; but having other people to have fun with and focus their attention on can help people feel more optimistic that life has something to offer them after all, as well as taking their minds off their worries, which can make them fade for a while.
"Some people feel too weak because they're so exhausted by their anxiety to get up and do any kind of activity. But it'll often be mental exhaustion rather than physical tiredness, - although it can be partly physical, because of things like sleep deprivation, and not eating enough because of loss of appetite caused by stress. But if people start doing something they like, they can begin to feel energised. They don't have to do much at once. If the activity they try is a physical thing, their muscles might hurt a bit at first, because they haven't been used much for a while; but muscles soon get used to doing more, and stop doing that.
"It's OK if a person only feels capable of doing a few minutes of activity at first, since if they're encouraged and get a bit of an appetite for it by doing at least something, they can start feeling like doing more and more over time. And the more mentally healthy they feel, the more their physical appetite's likely to return, so they'll eat more, and that'll give them more strength. In any case, they're actually likely to find doing light activity they can get engaged in less exhausting than lying in bed panicking or brooding on worries.
"A person really needs to have started learning and trying out anxiety recovery techniques before they start trying that though, or they likely won't be able to concentrate on doing anything, because they'll be so scared by the anxiety symptoms, and bewildered by what's causing them, and preoccupied with worrying about them, that it'll be hard to focus on anything else, and distressing to try, considering how likely they are to worry they'll fail at it.
"It's best if the form of occupation a person tries isn't too taxing on their brain, at least if there's no time pressure in what they're trying to do, so it's OK if they take some time to do what they're trying to do. That's because it'll take a while for people's brain fog to lift, after anxiety's been causing it, so they'll be able to get back into a state where they can think quickly and clearly again. The problem is that if they try anything too arduous before then, they might well get discouraged, and be tempted to give up trying to do the things they did before without a problem before their anxiety came on.
"Sometimes people feel way too weak and tired to get up and do any work; but a lot of nervous exhaustion is mental, so people can surprise themselves by feeling a lot more energised if they suddenly discover something to do that really interests them, that they actually want to do.
"One of the authors of the books I got this information from says there was an American doctor who worked very hard in Greece after the First World War, who felt exhausted by the end of her term there. She almost collapsed on her final day there, and she said she didn't feel as if she could work another day. But then she got a cable commanding her to go and work in the south of Russia. She was excited about that, because Russia was one place she'd regretted not being able to visit before she went home. She immediately felt a whole lot better, and was able to go and work hard there with no problems.
"And the author says she was asked to visit a woman with severe anxiety who'd been lying on her couch, feeling too weak to move for a few months, who apologised to her for the state of her house, and the fact that her veranda looked shabby when she arrived, saying it needed painting, but she'd been too weak to get up and do it, or to do any other work around the house. She lay on the couch while the author was talking to her.
"The author recommended that she had a go at painting her veranda. The woman said she was way too weak to do that, feeling surprised that the author would even suggest it, saying she was almost too weak to walk from one room to another. But the author said she didn't have to do it all at once; she could just do a few minutes' worth per day if she liked, but that it would likely lift her mood if she at least worked on it gradually. She asked the woman if she'd felt any better for lying on the couch for the last three months, and the woman thought for a while, and then said no. So the author said it was at least worth trying something different in that case.
"The author told the woman that she didn't need to worry if her muscles ached a bit at first; it would just be because they hadn't been used much for a while, but that they'd soon build up their strength again, and that it was far better to build up to using them normally again than to lie on the couch for longer, since doing that would mean they got even more out of condition, so it would take longer to build them up to normal functioning again.
"The woman did what she was told, and made a start on the painting the next day. She actually found that she liked doing it; and when the author next visited her a few days later, she was alternating scraping old peeling paint off the veranda with resting on a nearby chair.
"When the author visited her next, a week later, the woman was quite a bit further on with the plan, and they discussed what colour to paint the veranda, including the idea of painting the door red in a stylish way. The woman got so excited by the idea that she almost ran to the garage to get some paint to show the author, forgetting that she'd thought her legs were too weak to even walk well.
"The next week, the author visited her again, and their conversation was more about the painting than the woman's nervous breakdown. The woman was getting really enthusiastic about doing it; and her interest in doing something refreshingly new cured her nervous breakdown.
"And using her muscles soon restored her confidence in their strength. Fear of overdoing things can limit people to doing far less than they're really capable of, because they don't dare explore what they really can do.
"The author says it's best for a person to see a doctor to get tested for possible physical causes of their weakness before putting it down to nervous exhaustion though. But if a doctor thinks that it really is just caused by nervous exhaustion, then part of the cure can be finding a new absorbing interest in life, that'll energise people because of their enthusiasm to get involved in it.
"Sometimes people in states of nervous exhaustion do get over-enthusiastic and overdo things though, and end up feeling even more tired than they did before, wondering how much they can really do without over-taxing themselves. It can be best for people to work up to doing things gradually. But the author says she thinks it's at least better to work and risk becoming over-tired than not to work at all, and increase nervous illness by sitting around just brooding on problems and anxiety symptoms, which will stir up uncomfortable emotions more.
"She says people should try not to take occasions when they do overtire themselves and start feeling bad too hard, by spending time regretting the amount of work they did, and losing confidence in their ability to work, because all it'll mean is that they made a bit of a misjudgment in the amount they could do, which is understandable, given their inexperience in getting things back to normal; and even if they get overtired quite a few times after they've started trying new things out, they still shouldn't be discouraged, because they'll be learning how to do things for the best more and more over time, since people learn by their mistakes; so even if it feels as if they're taking one step back for every two steps forward at first, they will at least be going forward; and things will get better over time.
"If people can accept feelings of fatigue calmly, taking rest when they need it before they start working again, knowing the feelings are only temporary, and just a stage on the way to recovery, the feelings won't cause so much anxiety that the feelings in themselves will be a setback.
"Having cordial companionship while being occupied with some kind of work can increase the benefits for a person of being occupied with work a lot. Feeling isolated can increase the strain on an anxious person, because it can make a person feel as if they're lacking something important in their lives, and it can give them the opportunity to do too much brooding on things, so they can start to slip back into the worries and anxiety they had before, with nothing much to take their minds off them.
"But the right kind of occupation for a person can really help them, for instance if it's something they can actually enjoy, or find fulfilling.
"Being occupied can help depressed people too. Doing some kind of work in the company of others that's pleasant and not too demanding can sometimes help lift a depressed person's mood a lot, by taking their minds off the same old depressing thoughts that can go round and round in their minds, that would just make them more and more upset if they were just lying around brooding on them, which they might have been before. The family of a depressed person might wonder if they'll be able to cope with any kind of work. But once they start, their mood can improve, because having nothing to do but dwell on depressing thoughts can be part of what's causing their problem. Focusing the mind on something else can mean the thoughts start to fade, so a person's mood will automatically improve.
"That can be especially true if there's something appealing about the work they're doing. For instance, working with people outside on a warm sunny day can sometimes lift the spirits a lot more effectively than being stuck indoors would.
"Or else a depressed person could sometimes go into town, where they could have a meal while they're watching people bustling about, or else watch a film they feel sure they'll like in a cinema and so on, which will give them something to divert their minds from their depression for a while.
"It might sometimes be upsetting for a person to do something enjoyable though, only to come back to the reality of their depression afterwards when they go home. But one thing that could help is if they can try to counteract the onset of the depression that comes on when they get home with encouraging thoughts, such as thinking that if they managed to feel better for a while, they'll know it's possible, and that the fact that they at least felt better for a while is a promising sign that the time will come when they'll get even better.
"And they can try imagining floating past depressing or anxious thoughts and feelings, not assigning them significance, but just thinking of them as things they don't need in their lives, that can be floated above. That might be difficult, especially since their depressed thoughts might seem very significant to them when they have them. But they might get better at doing that over time if they practise, especially if they realise that their depressed thoughts do nothing in reality but drag their moods down.
"And also, over time, coming back to the reality of all the feelings a person's nervous breakdown or anxiety and depression cause, after they've experienced a period of time where they had a break from them, might well become easier for them, as they become more confident that breaks from them are possible, and that they might come more often as they do more things that turn out to give them a respite from them. They can become more optimistic that their bad feelings are likely to fade for good over time.
"It'll often be best to build up to doing more activities gradually though, and to start off by doing ones that seem to be not all that challenging, so as not to become discouraged by trying too much at once, only to possibly feel as if it's difficult to cope with them, or to have such a dramatic plunge in the mood on returning home that it's difficult to get motivated to go out again, for fear that the same dramatic mood change will happen again on returning home in future.
"The kind of thing a person chooses to do to occupy themselves with work or some other thing that takes their thoughts off their troubles should be something where their mind's stimulated in some way, so they feel as if they're getting something out of it, rather than being something boring. And it's best if it's something quite relaxing or absorbing. and Also it's best that the activity's not engaged in by a person in a desperate attempt to forget their worries, since desperation will cause tension that'll make their fear feelings worse, despite their hopes, since they'll likely continually be worrying about whether it's doing the job.
"A person's troubles will probably still be on their minds while they're occupied with other things; but they'll likely be in the background for a change, which will bring them some relief.
"It's best if people get help for any problems that are bothering them before they try to quell their anxiety with occupation though, so the problems that caused their anxiety hopefully won't be worrying them as much as they did before when they try new things, because they'll hopefully have found ways to start to eliminate the main concerns that were building up their anxiety, so their minds can be freer from them.
"Even so though, if their fear sensations can be seen by them for what they really are, - just likely to be their body's over-reactions to the stress they've been under, - and they can make a decision to try to tolerate the fear sensations, and to imagine floating above them, and to let time pass till they fade, their fear symptoms at least won't have to be as worrying as they were before.
"Sometimes people assume that their problems must be terrible, and that they can't cope with them, when they're only getting that impression because the feelings that have come on are really bad, and they imagine the feelings they get must be signs of how bad their problems are, when they're really just exaggerated stress responses, that have been brought on because their body's so worked up with stress that it's bringing on the kind of panicked feelings that would only really be appropriate in immediate danger, where they would need to run away or fight to survive. In a calm state, their problems would seem easier for them to solve."
Becky continued, "Another thing is that people tend to recover better if they're not being criticised by impatient or hostile family members, who can't really sympathise with their problems, or don't understand how much of their behaviour's being caused at least partly by them, so without realising it, they can say a lot of things that really dishearten someone trying to recover. For instance, if someone who feels really depressed or anxious just stays in bed a lot of the time, because they really don't feel like getting up, some family members might assume they're just being lazy, and criticise them for being so lazy, which can make them feel demoralised.
"It also helps a person's recovery if they're not being over-protected by relatives who are worried about them, because, despite the relatives' best intentions, and the fact that it'll be the very opposite of what they want, they can accidentally hinder a person's recovery, partly by showing so much worry about them that it increases the person's own worries about their capabilities, and also if they're so concerned to check up on them that the person with anxiety doesn't feel as if they have the freedom to try out new things without being worried over, such as if someone who's feeling more and more optimistic that they're recovering from agoraphobia thinks it might be worth risking taking a walk down town to see if they can manage it without getting anxious, but then they get discouraged by other people worrying about whether they'll manage it.
"It can also be a problem for a person trying to recover if family members are so sympathetic to them that they feel like a helpless victim, rather than someone who's capable of mustering up the courage to dare to try new things that might help them, such as exposing themselves to things that might make them a bit anxious, in an attempt to get used to them.
"It's also best if family members understand that there needs to be some kind of balance in their expectations of the person in recovery between being over-demanding of them, for instance by not understanding why someone who seems to be recovering can't just go back to doing all the things they used to do, and having expectations of them that are too low, wanting to protect them from pushing themselves too hard. It's best for people who've suffered nervous breakdowns or other mental illnesses if they can feel free to work at their own pace, not being discouraged from trying to do more and more over time, but at the same time not being expected to keep to a strict schedule, or to be punctual in keeping a lot of appointments, as far as possible, which can increase their anxiety about whether they can manage it, or if they can cope with what they're expected to do within the time they're expected to do it.
"The author who recommends that said there was a mother of two small boys who had a nervous breakdown, and spent time away from home to recover; but she became well enough to turn up at home at some point during each day to do some cleaning, and help prepare the evening meal for the family. But then when the school holidays came, the father of their children still had to work, and thought that since the mother was well enough to help at home, there was no reason why she shouldn't come in at 8 o'clock in the morning to help look after the children. But the thought of having to feel well enough at the exact time she was expected to, and come in to take over all the responsibilities, worried the mother so much that she had sleepless nights worrying about being there on time; and she kept thinking during the night that she'd much prefer to go home there and then than to wait, and cope with the pressure of having to be there at an exact time.
"The author tried to explain to her family that it was best not to put someone just beginning to recover from a nervous breakdown under the stress of meeting exacting deadlines. If a person decides to have a go at doing that of their own free will, knowing there won't be severe consequences if they don't manage it, the challenge will probably help their mental health improve. But feeling pressured to do it can worry them so much that it can increase their nervous tension instead.
"But things can unfortunately cause a conflict of needs sometimes, such as when one person in a couple needs to get to work on time, so it would be really convenient for them if the other person could be there earlier than they feel comfortable with to look after their children, even if they're not sure they can cope with it. It might often be possible to find solutions though, such as if it's possible to find neighbours who are willing to step in to help, such as if their children can be looked after by some other family with children, where there's a mother who's at home who's happy for all the children to play together for a while."
Becky carried on, "Having said all the things I've said, you might try a whole load of things to calm your anxiety, and some of them might help for quite some time, but then your anxiety might come back severely one day, and you might get discouraged, assuming things must have gone back to the way they were before.
"It won't necessarily mean that though; a lot of people get setbacks every now and then when their anxiety gets worse for a while, especially because it'll likely be hard to remember to always do everything they started out doing to calm it routinely, so it can sometimes come back because people have stopped doing some of the things that helped them at first, such as often doing relaxation techniques, or making sure they get some enjoyment in life so their stress levels fall, or thinking about whether their negative thoughts are really true instead of just accepting them when they come on. And also, since their nervous systems will be so used to instantly bringing on anxiety in certain circumstances, they'll still be in the habit of doing that for a while.
"But when your anxiety gets worse unexpectedly after it was getting better for a while, it won't mean you've lost all the progress you made, since you'll still have all the skills you've learned to calm it. You can just think of your relapse as a sign that you could do with adjusting something in your life a bit more, or that it's worth using some calming techniques right there and then that you might have got out of the habit of using.
"Then after you've used some, you could try to work out what might have brought your anxiety episode on, such as if you felt too tired to have the energy to dispute the negative thoughts going through your brain, so as to reassure yourself that they were likely exaggerated, or if the emotional part of your brain might have been reminded by something in your surroundings of a bad experience you once had, and immediately started sparking off alarm signals, before the reasoning part of your brain even realised there was a connection between your past experience and what's just been happening. If you think your brain did do that, you don't need to be too discouraged, because the better you get at realising what's going on and counteracting it with thoughts that calm you down, so your brain gets the message that there's in reality no need for the alarm signals to be triggered off, the less powerful they can become.
"One piece of decent-sounding advice from one book I read is that when you're following instructions to cure yourself from anxiety, try to do it with determination, since half-hearted tries without the will to succeed won't work, because anxiety can be so strong that it can take a determined act of the will to counteract it.
"And although there will likely be failures along the way that might make you think things are hopeless, don't think you've failed altogether, because success often comes with continually trying. And people often feel hopeless one day, but quite a bit better the next.
"Also, you'll be better off if you do your best not to indulge in self-pity, letting thoughts about how unfortunate and misunderstood you are go round and round in your head, or telling people all about how sorry you feel for yourself. Try to focus on the future and your recovery, instead of getting stuck feeling sorry for yourself, because if you're putting all your energies into that, there'll be less energy available to you to focus on working towards getting better.
"And try not to spend time regretting past mistakes, or that your anxiety got as bad as it did, because that will sap the energy you need to focus on improving things in the future. There's likely nothing you can do about the past; but there are things you can do to make a better future for yourself, so it's best to focus your energies on trying to work towards that.
"When people are feeling demoralised, they tend to think exaggerated thoughts about how badly they're doing at what they're trying to achieve, such as thinking they're failing, forgetting to think of all the signs that things seem to be improving for them. So it could help if you ask yourself if it's possible you're doing something like that when it comes to your progress with your anxiety problems.
"Still, thinking about things like that doesn't necessarily mean you won't have a relapse of anxiety, since there are quite a few things that could cause it. There are quite a few physical things that can sometimes - although not always - be signs that anxiety's gradually coming on more and more, that can signify that it's worth a person doing more to calm their system down. The signs can be things such as feeling restless, finding it hard to concentrate, not getting enough sleep, getting headaches that might be tension headaches, feeling irritable, feeling tense, feeling faint, not feeling like joining in with things you used to like, smoking or drinking more, or sweating more than usual. If you think those might be signs of an anxiety build-up, it'll be worth thinking through the skills you've learned to calm it, and deciding if it would be worth doing some of them more, as well as thinking about whether something new's stressing you out that needs dealing with."
Becky continued, "If there are places where it's hard for you to stay calm, even if you're just imagining being there, there are ways you can try getting used to the idea of being there bit by bit.
"You could first build up gradually to just imagining being there. You could first of all make a list of situations that make you anxious, grading them according to how anxious they make you, from the ones that cause you the least anxiety to the ones that spark off real panic.
"When you've done that, you can plan a time to work on them in turn when you can be alone, either right then, or at a time you set.
"Then when you start working on them, sit down in a quiet place, where you can first relax, and where you won't be disturbed - if that's possible- and then take the things on your list in turn, first of all imagining going to the place that causes you the least anxiety, but imagining building up to it slowly and in detail, rather than immediately imagining being there. So you could imagine the journey there, from the time when you first get up and put your coat on and go out the front door. Then imagine you're travelling towards the place, and then eventually being there. Try to imagine the journey there as vividly as you can, to make it seem realistic.
"But feel free to stop thinking about the journey there for a while whenever you get a twinge of anxiety while you're imagining it. When you do, you could try a relaxation exercise to soothe yourself. Then once you feel calm again, you could start imagining starting the journey there again.
"You could go through that process not just once, but as many times as it takes for you to feel at ease imagining being on various parts of the journey there, and then being there itself.
"The idea is that you'll likely feel calmer and calmer the more you get used to imagining gradually doing more and more of the journey there, till you'll eventually imagine feeling calm while you're there itself; and that'll help your brain stay calm for real when you really are there.
"Every time you feel a bit anxious as you imagine being on any point on the way there, you could stop imagining it for a while, and relax for a bit, to calm your anxiety. Then you could just imagine going to the place where you were thinking of being in when you began to feel anxious again. Then you could do something to relax, even if you don't feel anxious that time. And then imagine going there again. And you could do the same thing till you actually feel bored by the thought of going there yet again. Boredom will likely be an antidote to anxiety.
"Even if just going to the top of your driveway sparks off a bit of anxiety for you, for instance if you've got agoraphobia, then that could be one of the first things on your list, or the first.
"So you could imagine going even there in gradual stages, for instance first contemplating the journey there, and then imagining picking up your door keys and starting to head out into the hall to get your coat - or whatever you tend to do when you're about to go out, - and then going a bit further, stopping and relaxing whenever you feel a twinge of anxiety, and then starting from the beginning again. And you could do that over and over again, till eventually, imagining going all the way there doesn't make you feel anxious at all, because you're so used to it.
"After you've done that to the point where going there in your imagination doesn't bother you at all, and maybe even makes you feel bored, you could try going there for real, perhaps with a friend at first if you can, and if you'd feel better doing that, and then on your own, or else still with a friend if your fear's to do with doing various things with people watching, so that's the thing you really need to get over. Chances are that since you've imagined being there so much, and imagined there being no problem when you're there, the emotional part of your brain will have got used to the idea of you being there and still being safe, so it might very well not be so quick to trigger off anxiety when you really are there.
"But you could still do relaxation techniques there for a while if you still think you might need them, and if you're not too busy concentrating on other things. If you've practised the slow slow slow breathing technique a lot, and you've found it helpful, you might well find you can do it by instinct while you're concentrating on other things; so that'll be useful.
"Then, it might be that if you find you feel fine at the top of your driveway, - or wherever you've gone to confront the challenge of getting over the first thing on your list of things you want to get over your anxiety about, - you'll find that you can do that kind of thing without even having to do any kind of relaxation techniques first.
"After that, you could tackle the next thing on your list, - the one that causes you the second least amount of anxiety. You can go through the same process with it as you did with the first one, just imagining working up gradually to going into the situation that bothers you, for as long as it takes for you to feel calm or even bored when you're doing it, stopping and relaxing every time you start to feel anxious while you're imagining being on the way there.
"Then, when you're used to imagining actually being there, and even that stops bothering you and starts to bore you, go there for real, perhaps with a friend or relative for support in the beginning, if you can and you think you'd feel more confident at first with one there, before trying it on your own.
"Then you could take the next things on your list one by one, gradually going from the thing that causes you the least anxiety to the thing that causes you the most, doing the same things as you did before.
"If it's hard to put things in order on your list, it might be easier if after thinking of putting something that you panic nearly even at the thought of at the end, and something that just causes you a bit of anxiety at the beginning, you think of something that's probably midway between the two, and then think of things that could go on either side of it.
"Once you've got used to going to the places that used to only cause you a bit of anxiety, both in your imagination and for real, you might well find that as you work up your list, after you stop feeling anxious about the things that used to make you just a bit anxious, the things that used to make you a bit more anxious than those did don't seem so daunting, even before you've started imagining doing them, partly because you'll be feeling more confident and optimistic that it's possible to do them.
"Then when you've imagined doing those things, and then done them for real, till you've got no problem doing them either, you might find that the things that used to make you a bit more anxious than those things did won't seem as daunting as they used to do either, until you eventually end up finding that the things that used to cause you the most anxiety don't seem as scary as they used to seem, and then they seem less and less scary the more you relax and then just imagine doing them, till eventually you can tolerate the idea of doing them for real; and then you might find that really doing them doesn't bother you anywhere near as much as it used to, if it does at all.
"When you're working through your list, don't necessarily always just imagine things going as smoothly as they could go; but after you've imagined going to a place several times, you could sometimes imagine you're there and there's more than the usual reason why your anxiety might be triggered off; but still imagine staying calm through it all. For instance, if the thought of drinking tea in a cafe makes you anxious, you could imagine how it would be if someone jogged your arm while you were pouring a cup of tea, and it spilled, and some of it went on their clothes, and they got angry with you, but you managed to keep your cool and apologise. You could even imagine them still arguing with you and complaining for a while, but you firmly telling them you've said you're sorry and there's nothing more you can do.
"That way, if something does go a bit wrong when you try to do the things on your list for real, you won't be panicked by it the way you might be if you hadn't imagined anything going wrong."
Becky carried on, "Some people do find that after making progress for a while with the things on their list, then it happens for some reason, - whether it's because they have a particularly bad day, or they didn't sleep well the night before, or they get some bad news that worries them, or they try to do too much in one go, or they get discouraged by things some people say, or whatever, that they have an unexpected surge of anxiety while they're trying to do something on their list, and lose confidence, or think their efforts haven't worked after all. But it won't mean they have to go right back to the beginning of their list and start again. It's probably common for people to have temporary setbacks, but then to get back on track, and work up to overcoming their anxiety problems altogether.
"Perhaps you could sometimes just go back to imagining doing the thing on your list for a while that started bothering you when you were doing it for real, if you think that might help. Or sometimes it might help just to work out what was making you feel more anxious than usual that day, and plan how to deal with that."
Becky continued, "One thing that really worries some people is blushing in public. If that really bothers you, one technique you could try is to actually think about blushing sometimes when you're not in a public situation where you might blush, and then relax yourself in some way, so what you then do isn't spoiled by too much anxiety, and then imagine being in a situation that typically makes you blush, vividly enough that it actually does make you blush. Then you could imagine a layer of ice water covering your face and really cooling it down, feeling refreshing as it counteracts the heat of your blush. The chances are that even just imagining it will make the blush fade, - maybe not at first, but with practice. You could start looking in a mirror while you try it after a while, to see if it's working.
"If it does begin to work when you get good at it, you could try it out in public whenever you start to blush, - although the chances are that people don't notice you blushing nearly as much as you're worried they do, or else they do notice it but they're thinking about other things at the time, and quickly forget it.
"Another idea is to sit somewhere quiet, relax, and then imagine you're in a situation that often makes you blush with embarrassment or anxiety, till a real blush comes on, and then instruct your brain to make the blush even worse. You could try that a few times. Then once you're used to doing that, you could even try doing it in public, if you can muster up the confidence to do that. If you do it just to experiment once or twice, the chances are that since you're not becoming anxious because of the blush, the part of your brain that triggers off strong emotions will get the message that blushing isn't something to spark off fear feelings over after all, because it doesn't mean something bad's happening, so it'll calm down, so you'll stop feeling so bad about blushing in public; and then your brain will likely gradually stop triggering off the blush response altogether, because the situations you used to start blushing in won't bother you so much, so they won't seem like such a signal to set off blushing as they used to."
Becky carried on, "One of these books I've been reading is by a psychotherapist, who says a young man of 18 once came to see him because he was really scared to eat in public. He was about to go to university, but didn't feel as if he was going to be able to cope there, because he knew it would be nice and convenient to be able to eat in public, especially because there was a canteen with subsidised food in the hall of residence he'd be staying in that it would be useful to be able to eat in, but he thought he'd be way too scared too. He'd unknowingly blown the problem right out of proportion in his mind, so much so that he told the therapist his whole life was ruined, and that he didn't see any point in living any more, because he imagined his life being full of fears.
"The therapist asked him how distressed he was on a scale of one to ten, with one being barely distressed, and ten being the most distressed he could imagine being; and he rated his distress at a ten. He couldn't imagine feeling any different.
"Then the therapist asked him about his interests, and he said he enjoyed playing football, and driving, and listening to music, and even studying.
"The therapist remarked that he'd said his life was ruined, and yet he still enjoyed doing all those things.
"The young man said he did like them.
"Then the therapist asked him how much time he spent eating in a day.
"The young man shrugged, and said it was about an hour.
"The therapist said, 'About an hour? So that's one twenty-fourth of a day? Because you feel uncomfortable for one twenty-fourth of a day, you think your life's ruined, and you're prepared to kill yourself?'
"The young man was amazed that it was possible to think of his problem so differently, and said he felt different thinking of it that way. He said he'd thought his whole life was ruined, but it had turned out that it was really only one twenty-fourth of it.
"The therapist suggested he rated his anxiety on a scale of one to ten again, and he said it was at a two, and that that was something he could handle.
"It seems he was still as optimistic when he went to university; and he completed his education there without any problem.
"The book says another university student went to a similar kind of therapist to him, because she was so often in a state of anxiety because she worried so much. One thing she worried about was getting cancer, since her parents had both had it. She said she felt as if worrying about it made her more prepared for it if it were to happen. But since worrying about it always made her so anxious, it was unlikely that she'd be any less anxious if it really did happen than she would be if she hadn't worried about it.
"The therapist said that although it was impossible to know what life had in store, a better way of trying to protect herself would be if she was 'prepared' to make lifestyle choices that would reduce her risk of getting health problems, such as eating sensibly, making sure she got enough sleep, doing exercise, not smoking, and trying not to put herself in positions where she'd become over-stressed, all of which could help strengthen her immune system.
"The student realised it would be better to do things to actively try to give herself a better chance of having a good future than it would be to spend time worrying, and resolved to change her lifestyle. She realised that spending so much time worrying and procrastinating instead of studying meant she actually got a lot more stressed-out than she would if she worried less, partly because it meant she tended to leave course assignments till so near the deadline for handing them in that she had to do them in a rush.
"And spending so much time worrying and wasting time, and then doing them in a rush, meant she didn't feel as if she had time to eat properly, or exercise much, or even have fun. She would often stay up till the early hours of the morning, either trying to get work done before a deadline, or after one she'd missed, or spending time on the Internet, or on the phone to her boyfriend who was at a different university, when they often discussed things they argued about, such as their plans to take time out to travel around for a while after they left university. So she often felt agitated when she went to bed, and couldn't sleep. But then she'd wake up the next day feeling too groggy to do anything much, such as going to her lectures or studying, and would just sit around for a while not feeling good, drinking coffee to try to make herself feel better.
"The university was within walking distance of where she lived, but she didn't exercise by walking there, since by the time she felt a bit better in the mornings, she was normally in such a rush to be on time for her lectures that she took the bus or train there.
"She made a plan with her therapist to take steps to improve things, such as by turning her computer off at a civilised hour instead of staying on it half the night, - a plan intended to give her more incentive to work harder on her studies earlier in the day, instead of letting her mind wander onto distractions so much. And she resolved to make sure that if her boyfriend phoned late in the evening, they wouldn't talk about things that often stirred up disagreements between them that would leave her feeling agitated so it would be harder to sleep. And she resolved that she'd get up fairly early, so she'd have time to eat a healthy breakfast, and then exercise by walking to her lectures.
"Her therapist recommended that on the way to them, she should take time to notice what was around her, such as trees, people, buildings and so on, since people who worry a lot can be so occupied with worry that they miss out on moments of enjoyment they could otherwise have by seeing nice things around them; and also, thinking about things around them can cause worries to fade for a while, because attention isn't being paid to them.
"The student wrote a list of all the things she intended to do, to remind herself of them, and stuck it on her fridge.
"The therapist also taught her to use relaxation techniques, such as slowing her breathing right down, and vividly imagining she was in a place she really enjoyed being in.
"And she got her to imagine successfully doing the things on her list of intentions, and being pleased about it, to motivate her to actually do them, since imagining feeling pleased and accomplished at fulfilling a task you want to do can give you more motivation to do it for real.
"Then the therapist helped the student understand that she could see her parents' battles with cancer in a good light, since they'd both survived it, and taken steps to reduce the risks of it coming back, by improving their lifestyles. But the therapist told the student a story to illustrate that it made sense to be resigned to the fact that some things happen in life that just can't be controlled, so worrying won't help. I don't think the book that describes those therapy sessions explained what the story was.
"But the therapist also suggested the idea of having a worry half hour, where people set aside half an hour a day to do all their worrying in, and when worries come to mind at other times of day, they can be gently pushed aside and saved up for the worry half hour.
"And she recommended that the student use the time when she wasn't working to enjoy herself instead of worrying, and to research some new activities that she thought she might like to get involved in.
"The student had another therapy session a fortnight later, where she said she'd begun to feel much more optimistic, and said that when she stuck to doing the things on her list of things to do that the therapist had suggested, she felt a lot more alert and lively, and was much better at sticking to doing her work, and was more confident that she was doing it well. She was pleased when her tutors praised her for it.
"She had slipped back into old habits sometimes, but discovered she didn't like the way she felt when she did that, and the feeling of losing control again. So that was another incentive for her to stick to them.
"She said she'd taken up yoga and salsa dancing, and enjoyed them. She'd also visited friends for a weekend, and enjoyed that. Before when she'd visited friends for a weekend, she'd always taken work to do, and then felt guilty about not getting round to it. But she hadn't taken any work that time, and just enjoyed the time there, so she came back feeling a lot better than she normally would.
"The therapist then asked her to start challenging the accuracy of the miserable thoughts that went round and round in her head when she was anxious, - the kind that tend to make people think things are a lot worse than they really are, such as thinking things are hopeless and that they're a failure, when neither of those things is really true. The therapist asked her to report back on how she was getting on with challenging her thoughts at their next therapy session.
"She also asked her to imagine her anxiety as if it was some kind of object that she could have control over, and to imagine a way she could control it. The student came up with the idea of imagining it as being like a sheet of ice, because being on one would make her feel all trembly, like her anxiety did. She imagined controlling it by imagining it suddenly flowing over her, and then her radiating confidence that transformed into heat, that melted the ice completely. The therapist recommended that she bring that image to mind whenever she felt anxious.
"They had one more therapy session, where the student reported back that she was really surprised to realise just how many negative thoughts she tended to have, - thoughts where she doubted that she was likeable, and that she was really any good at anything, and things like that. She'd examined the thoughts in her worry half hours, and realised that most of them just weren't justified.
"Then she told the therapist that she'd now become confident about being able to cope by herself with the new anxiety-reduction techniques and ideas she'd been given. The therapist encouraged her, so as to make it more likely that she'd leave the therapy session feeling all the more optimistic."
Becky gave the people listening to her some words of encouragement herself as she finished what she had to say.
Some of them told her they'd found what she'd said helpful, which gave her some encouragement herself.
Not too long after Becky's lectures, her budding career went pear-shaped. The story will be available in a book on Amazon in the future.
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