Saving a Marriage When a Loved One Wants Divorce

The Main Contents

The Self-Help Information in the Article

Part One
Beliefs that Get in the Way of Marriages Succeeding

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then, is to suffer, but, suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
--Woody Allen (in Love and Death, 1975)

Nicola thinks:

It's interesting that this self-help book starts by talking about how there are myths about marriage that people may have to unlearn before they can improve their marriages.

One of the first things it says is that many marriages fail because people went into them with false expectations about how the marriage was going to be, like the belief that the relationship would always be good without it needing to be worked on to keep both marriage partners happy.

Well, we would tell people they need to work on marriages to make them succeed.

It says there are several false expectations or damaging beliefs people can have:

The Problems of Conflict Avoidance

It says that one of them is that it's best not to have conflict in a marriage, or that if there is conflict, the marriage must be failing. It says there are arguments in all marriages, even the best ones. In fact, it's interesting that it says the marriages that are among the most likely to fail are those where people avoid conflict. It says it's essential to clear the air from time to time by getting feelings out of the system, because otherwise resentments and grudges just build up, and each little irritation gets added to the store of resentment, until feelings can even become hateful and very angry. But if the people had had an argument when the feelings first arose, they might have come to some understanding where the person who was annoying the other one changed their behaviour a bit, or they might have explained themselves so their behaviour was more understandable.

But the book says it's best not to go the other way and always express unpleasant feelings, always telling a marriage partner when you're upset about something, especially when you're newly married, because that can spark off arguments about things that are just petty little things and so the arguments can get out of proportion. So it's best to distinguish between things that really matter and things that don't.

Differences of Interest, Background, and Likes and Dislikes

The book says that some people think a marriage must be headed towards divorce if they discover their marriage partner has different interests to them, and/or comes from a different background, and/or likes different things. But it says this doesn't have to be true. There are ways of coping with differences, and it says that research has found that people with successful marriages are no more similar to each other than those who divorce. It says successful couples will spend time doing the things they do both enjoy together, and will sometimes make efforts to develop new interests that they'll both enjoy and will want to do together.

But they're tolerant of each other's interests when they differ, and if they have different backgrounds and beliefs, it doesn't have to be a hindrance to a good marriage. The book says that what makes marriages successful is learning to deal with differences and cope with conflict effectively.

Continuing to Have Arguments About Major Problems

It's interesting that the book says that if people keep having the same old arguments over issues that never seem to get resolved, it doesn't necessarily mean their marriage is in trouble. In fact, it says that research has found that over half of what married couples argue about are things they're never likely to agree on, and that many couples still argue about the same things they argued about when they were first married 25 years later! But it says the way they argue might have changed a lot, because people often mellow over time, so they don't get so heated about things, so arguments are at least less hostile.

What it Means to be Loving and Loved

The book says that some people think that in a healthy marriage, both partners will have the same ideas about what it means to express real love and how their partner will be behaving if they're being genuinely loving. But it says that actually, ideas about what being loving and loved involves can differ from person to person. It says that what it takes for one partner to feel loved might be very different from what it takes for the other partner to feel loved, since ideas of what true love is can have been formed in very different ways, and by different things, like upbringing, culture, gender, and all kinds of life experiences. It says that since marriage partners are bound to have had different life experiences, their ideas of what true love is are likely to be different.

It says that this will only be a problem if one partner refuses to accept the other partner's preferred way of behaving or being loved. It gives the example of a couple where one might have really enjoyed lively debates that could get quite heated in their family of origin, but their spouse grew up in a family that believed it was important to be quiet and polite. It says one partner might think that if the other partner loved them, they'd have debates with them like their family did. But that might not be the case at all. The other one might think it's much more loving to be quiet and polite.

It says that too many people think that if their partner loved them, they'd want the same things. But that won't necessarily be the case. So it says that what's important in a good marriage is that each partner understands the way their spouse most likes to be loved, and makes efforts to love them in their preferred way, rather than expecting them to want to be loved in theirs.

The author uses an example from her own life, saying that when she's a bit upset, she likes someone to be with her and ask her what's wrong, and she used to assume her husband must be like that as well. But she discovered he prefers to be alone when he's a bit upset. So she learned that the most loving thing to do in his case was to leave him alone, even though it felt unnatural because she preferred people to do the opposite with her.

So she says that arguments where one partner might say something like, "If you really loved me, you'd be willing to visit my family more", and the other one might say, "If you were really loving, you'd want to spend more time alone with me", are mistaken, because they're based on assumptions that might not be naturally true for the other person.

On the other hand, it will be true that to be really loving, each partner will be willing to compromise and put themselves out for the other person. So it's best to just work out how each partner could do more of what the other one considers loving in the future.

Falling Out of Love

The book says that people don't just fall out of love. It says that some people think they have to divorce because they've fallen out of love with their partner, but love isn't something people just fall in and out of; it's a thing people have to keep alive themselves by their actions, not just a feeling people have either got or they haven't. It says that when love starts to die, it means people haven't been doing things to keep it alive. But love can grow again if people start doing more things together that they know have been appreciated expressions of love in the past.

It says the reason many people think they've fallen out of love is because they've stopped making special efforts to be with each other and express love to each other, because they've started to take each other for granted, and because leisure and other activities, work and children have become more of a priority than nurturing their relationship with their spouse, so they don't spend much time together any more, and when they do, they can argue, so they drift apart. So they think they've fallen out of love, when really, they could fall back into it again if they started giving each other more attention. It says the more people behave in a loving way towards their partner, the more in love with them they'll feel.

So it says it's up to couples to nurture their loving relationship daily to make sure it stays strong, by continually making decisions in the interests of the relationship. It says the kind of decisions people will continually have to make when making efforts to keep love alive will be things like:

• How much time to spend together;
• whether to forgive wrongs or hold grudges;
• whether to put up with the other's faults to a certain extent or be critical;
• whether to apologise when at fault or not admit to being wrong;
• whether to be compassionate to the other's needs or put their own preferences first ...
• and so on.

It says that people won't always be able to maintain loving feelings for their spouse at the same level, or always feel like being kind to them, but feelings and attitudes like that come and go; so a wise person who isn't feeling very loving towards their partner at one time might realise their feelings tend to come and go, and decide that soon, they'll do more to make themselves feel more loving towards their partner and their partner feel more loving towards them.

It says that some people might doubt that that's true, because they've always thought of love as a romantic feeling that they've either got or they haven't; but they can get the love back if it's gone, by following the steps in the book. Well, I'll read it and see.

Actually, someone once told me that she loved her husband but she wasn't "in love" with him, and I just accepted it as the way things were. But perhaps she could have fallen in love with him again if she'd done whatever the book recommends you do.

When It's the Spouse Who Says They've Fallen Out of Love

The book says the same thing can work if it's the person's husband or wife who says they're not in love any more. It says a husband or wife who feels like that might not think there's any hope for the marriage, because when people are miserable, they forget the good times, so they might think it's all bad. The book warns against trying to convince someone like that that there have been good times, since if they're not in the mood to think about them, they'll only insist more strongly that things are bad.

It says telling a partner you love them can make things worse when they're feeling like that, because they'll just be reminded every time you say it that they don't have the same feelings for you so there's something wrong with the marriage.

So it says that however hard it is, it's best to just say nothing if a spouse says they're no longer in love with you, and remind yourself that nothing's permanent, so they could fall back in love again.

It says that if things do start to improve, it's best not to seek reassurance by often asking whether the partner loves you again. It says they might think of that as putting pressure on them, because they know you're hoping they'll feel things they don't feel yet, so it might make them feel bad, and feeling bad when they're with you will make them less enthusiastic about the marriage.

The Survival of a Marriage After an Affair

It says that affairs can be very upsetting because they're a violation of trust and the intimacy that was supposed to be exclusive to the marriage. It says it's difficult for a marriage to recover after an affair, but it can be done. It says some people don't understand how they'll ever be able to forgive and take the marriage forward. But it says that although it's understandable that people feel that way, it can be done, difficult though it is. It says that marriages can even be made stronger afterwards, because sometimes, the partner who had the affair might have done it because of problems in the marriage which, if aired, can be worked through and resolved, leaving a more satisfying marriage.

Second Marriages Won't Necessarily be Happier

It says that though some people learn from mistakes they made in first marriages and so have better second ones, this isn't true for most people, and in fact, more second marriages break up than first ones. It says most people just repeat the bad habits they got into in their first marriages in their second ones, even if their partners are different types of people; and issues with step-children make things more difficult.

But it says another reason second marriages can fail is that people might be getting into them because they don't feel they can be happy on their own, and they think the marriage in itself will make them happy, so it puts too much strain on it, because they actually have to be happy in themselves to make the marriage happy.

So it suggests people ask themselves whether what they're doing from day to day makes them happy, and to change that as far as possible to make themselves happier if it doesn't, rather than just blaming their partner. That way, they might not feel the need to get divorced the first time.

Part Two
The Stages Marriages Typically Go Through

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.
--Florence King

When David [Arquette] and I got engaged we started therapy together. I'd heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest, so we decided to work through all that stuff early.
--Courtney Cox

The author says that couples typically go through several stages in their marriages, at least the couples who've come to her for counselling.

Stage One: The Honeymoon Phase

The book says that when people first fall in love, they typically feel passionate about each other, and as if everything about the other person is right for them and that the other person must be the perfect partner. They seem to have so much in common. It says the excitement of the new relationship causes the body to release chemicals that increase energy and feelings of well-being and sensuality. Partners can feel miserable when they're apart, and blissfully happy together. So they think that if they marry, things will be like that forever. Planning the marriage might dampen feelings a bit because of the stress, but the feelings tend to re-emerge during the honeymoon.

Stage Two: When Realism and Disillusionment Begin to Set In

But it says that after a while, disillusionment sets in, when each partner starts noticing all their spouse's irritating little bad habits and quirks. That can be the worst stage of the marriage, because it's so disappointing to realise the partner isn't perfect after all.

Then disagreements and differences begin to add up. For instance, the marriage partners might have thought they shared the same interests, but that turns out not to be as significant as they thought, because one might like to do them far more often than the other one, or one might be a lot less willing to spend money on them than the other.

The marriage partners begin to argue more and more, until they might not feel love for each other any more sometimes and wonder whether marrying was the right decision.

Things are made a lot more complicated and stressful because it's at that time when people have to make a lot of important decisions, like whether and when to have children, how the housework ought to be divided up, who will handle the finances, how much to see of each other's parents, and where to live. Deciding on these things might be less stressful if the two decided to work together, but because they feel like arguing so much, they're more likely to argue over those things, trying to get the other to do things their way with no interest in compromise. It says this can go on for years.

Stage Three: The Constant Argument Stage

The book says that stage two leads into stage three, which is a constant battle where each marriage partner tries to make the other one change by arguing and trying to convince them they're wrong about everything. They won't back down on anything, because they'd see it as losing face, but they don't think their partner's being reasonable by refusing to back down themselves. They just think their partner must be being spiteful, stubborn and controlling, while their partner's feeling the same way about them. Neither will make any attempt whatsoever to understand their partner's point of view, even if they were sure they would before they married. So they waste an opportunity they could have had to work together to invent creative solutions to problems. Anger and hurt increase, and it's at this point that many people start thinking about divorce, because they get really fed up with the situation.

So it says some people divorce, because they feel sure nothing will improve the situation and they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person, while other people stay married but live unhappy separate lives.

But it says that other people do resolve to work towards improvement, and for them, things can get a lot better from there on.

Stage Four: Working Towards Improvement in the Marriage

In stage four, people realise that their partner will never be just the way they want them, and start trying to find and think of ways to live in more harmony with them. They start searching out information on how to improve marriage, talking to friends and family, or seeking counselling or marriage enrichment courses. They acknowledge that their own behaviour leaves something to be desired, so they start being more understanding and forgiving of their partner's faults. So they stop fighting so much, and when arguments do happen, they're not so charged with ill-feeling as they were before. People choose not to say the things they know will annoy the other one, or when they do, they're better at making up, because they realise that life is short and there's no point wasting it continuing to fight over things that aren't worth it. They're more willing to apologise for things. So the couple can work like a team again.

Stage Five: When Things Get Good Again

It says that people who are fortunate enough to have held onto their marriages long enough to get to stage five begin to like them again, and then start to see the qualities in their marriage partner that attracted them to them in the first place again. They're proud of what they've achieved together in the marriage despite everything, and can appreciate their partner's dedication to it. They're more accepting of their partner's differences. They start to have the same feelings they had in the beginning, and feel closer again. Children might be growing up and becoming more independent, so they can devote more time to each other again and enjoy the feelings and closeness more.

Reassurance During the Stages

The book says that couples might be more likely to bear with things if they know their marriage is likely to improve. But when they're going through a bad stage, it can feel as if they'll be in that stage forever.

It says the stages don't necessarily happen totally in order, since people can be moving to a better stage, but then a problem comes up and they can slip back a stage for a while. But at least if they know things have got better in the past, they'll be encouraged to try again.

Part Three
Beginning to Focus on Solutions Rather than Analysing Problems

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.
--Anne Lamott

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's interesting that this book says people don't have to go into great detail about their problems with each other to make their marriages work. On my course, we're taught to ask lots of questions about their problems to try to help them work out how they got to where they are. But the author says that won't necessarily help people solve their problems any better. Even if they know all about what happened to make the marriage as bad as it is, they won't necessarily know what to do about it. So talking and talking through differences won't necessarily do any good. What can work a lot better is just changing unpleasant behaviour.

The book says that sometimes, people assume that if their marriage partner isn't willing to go to therapy with them or even read a self-help book, it must mean they aren't interested in working on the marriage, so a divorce might be the only option. But this isn't necessarily the case. It might just mean they're not interested in doing those particular things. But there might be lots of other things they are willing to do. So there might be lots of other ways a person can go about saving the marriage.

In fact, it says the other person doesn't have to commit to changing at all at first. The person who wants the marriage improved can set off a chain of positive changes in their marriage partner by changing themselves at first. It says anyone who doesn't believe that can be done can think of how easy it is to change their partner's behaviour in other ways. For instance, it might be easy to think of something to say that would make them angry on the spot. So behaving differently in positive ways can influence the way the partner behaves as well.

A Couple of Examples of the Way Influencing a Marriage Partner to Change By Changing Yourself Can Work

The author says that the woman might have complained to her friends before, feeling sure the marriage was hopeless and that she'd tried everything to persuade her husband to change without success. But she hadn't tried being kinder and more loving, and when she did, that did work.

Part Four
Concerns and Doubts People Have About Changing Their Behaviour

Where there is love, there is pain.
--Spanish proverb

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
--Dr. Robert Anthony

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.
--Amy Grant

Why People Keep Expecting Their Marriage Partner to Change Instead of Changing Themselves

The author says it's common for a marriage partner to keep nagging the other one to change or go to counselling with them instead of thinking about how they can change themselves in the hope it'll spark off changes in the other one, because people get so convinced that they're right and the other one's wrong that they're convinced it's the other one who needs to do all the changing. And conventional wisdom says they can solve things if they do enough talking and explaining of their feelings and thoughts on the problems. So they explain in more and more detail to their partner what they feel their partner's doing wrong, even though what it's actually doing is making their partner feel more miserable and less happy with the marriage. The partner is just likely to get defensive, and it can lead to an escalating cycle of conflict where each blames the other for the marital problems.

Not Understanding How Changes In One Person Can Spark Off Changes In Another

The author says another reason people want their partner to change rather than making the first changes in themselves is that they can find it difficult to believe that changes in themselves could spark off changes in their partner, since they don't understand how their behaviour affects their partner. They know all about how their partner's behaviour affects them. For instance, if their partner says something that makes them feel hurt or angry, they'll know why they're responding to it in the way they are. But they won't understand what made their partner say the thing in the first place, so they might just think they must be a nasty or moody person. They won't necessarily know when they've said something their partner has found hurtful or that's made them angry. So a partner might say something hurtful that there just doesn't seem to be any reason for. This can be especially true when a person has no idea that something they said could have hurt their partner or made them angry.

The author gives the example of a man who might finish work on Friday and be looking forward to spending time with his wife, and then he might be hurt by a suggestion she makes that she thinks is a kind one that he goes out with his friends. So he might respond in a hurtful way and be moody with her later in the evening. And she'll have no idea why he's behaving like that. So she'll think he must be just an irritating person. Because she's angry with his unpleasant behaviour, she'll show her irritation with him, and that'll make him even more convinced that she's just a moody person who started the whole thing off. So they'll both blame each other, and the unpleasantness will escalate all weekend.

She says doing something different can help to get people out of old cycles of bad behaviour patterns and start them behaving in new ways. She says that one marriage partner's unpleasant behaviour will feed off the other one's, so cycles of unpleasantness can continue and continue, with each partner feeling they're just responding to the other one's nasty behaviour, and each one feeling sure the other one started it.

She says the important thing is not who started it, but that one of them is willing to break the cycle by doing something different from usual instead.

She says one marriage partner might not think it's fair that they have to be the one to change first, but if they can get over that feeling, their changes will start to cause changes in their husband or wife, hopefully soon. Then they might wonder why they waited so long before starting to change, because they might be so pleased when they start to notice changes in the other one.

Concerns About Doing Something Wrong

The author says that some people worry that if they change, they might do something wrong that'll make things even worse, or that it won't work. But she says the worst thing they can do is to stay the way they are, so trying to make positive changes is unlikely to make things all that much worse, and the book has some advice about altering behaviour if changes aren't working as well as hoped for.

Worries that Changes Won't be Noticed by the Marriage Partner

The author says that people who are separated from their spouse or hardly speaking might wonder if their husband or wife will notice if they change. But they probably will. After all, a vindictive or unpleasant action would surely be noticed. So positive ones should be as well. She says that just because a marriage partner might not comment on things, it doesn't mean they aren't noticing them. So though they might not comment on positive changes at first or might not seem to appreciate them, the impact of the changes will build up over time.

She says when couples are separated, and even when there's hardly any contact between them at all, there are still things a partner can do. She advises that in each phone call, email or face-to-face meeting there is, the partner who wants to change should show themselves in the best possible light. For instance, anyone who knows their husband or wife would prefer them to be more cheerful should try to sound cheerful in what they say and the way they say it, in even brief phone calls they might think don't really matter.

Concerns About Whether it's Moral to Manipulate People Into Changing

The author says some people worry about that, but actually, everyone manipulates each other all the time. Just saying hello to someone is really an attempt to manipulate them into giving you attention. The things people do naturally all the time, like urging their partner to do more work around the house, are really attempts to manipulate them. So it won't be any worse planning what to do first; and when positive changes happen, happiness will increase all round.

Worries that Nothing's Made a Difference So Far, so Why Should Anything Else

The author says that although people might think they've tried everything, they probably haven't. And they might think it would be impossible that their partner could change their personality, but though a major change would be unlikely, several small ones over time could make a big difference. The author says she knows of many marriages that were saved and became a lot happier even when they'd been on the brink of divorce before.

Part Five
The Advantages of Looking for Solutions Rather than Focusing on Problems

How Relationships Can Grow More Loving

The author gives some examples of how much better it can work when people focus their efforts on finding solutions rather than on delving into problems.

The author says she's seen that kind of thing happen in many families, and she's sure it will happen once people start the process of change. She says she asks people who come to her for therapy what the very first small sign will be that things are moving in the right direction, and she feels sure that once couples have achieved that, things will start to snowball from there.

Even Small Changes Can Lead Gradually to Big Differences

The author says that every small change in a marriage partner should be something to appreciate, because though the changes will be small, they'll build up over time to big differences. Noticing and feeling positive about small improvements in the marriage will help partners stay patient. And they'll need patience to wait as long as it might take for big differences to happen. She says people should congratulate themselves even on very small changes and think of them as signs of encouragement. For instance, if a couple are separated, the one working on the marriage should think of it as a sign of encouragement and improvement even when their partner does something like asking a favour, talking to them in a more friendly tone of voice, staying around a little bit longer when they visit, or asking after their welfare. Any of these things might be signs that the partner's attitude is changing for the better.

Part Six
Setting Goals to Work Towards Improvement in the Marriage

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.
--Author Unknown

Fall seven times, stand up eight.
--Japanese Proverb

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.
--Albert Einstein

The author says that often, when a marriage seems to be headed towards divorce, one marriage partner wants the divorce, while the other partner is desperate to save the marriage. She gives a lot of advice about how people who want to save their marriages can go about trying.

First, the book says it can be best if people who want to save their marriage work out several things that they want from it, and then think about how to turn those wishes into a set of goals they can work towards achieving, or that they'd like their husband or wife to do, that they write down. They can think about what it would be nice if their husband or wife did differently. The goals should be things in the future that will make their marriages happy. So they should contemplate what will have to happen to make their marriages happier in the future, not brood on the past.

It says that some people think writing them down will be a bore and a chore, but writing them down helps, because it can help clarify thoughts in the mind; and looking at the goals every now and then will remind people what they still have to work towards; and it also might make them pleased to think they've got near to already achieving some of them.

It says there are several things people need to take into account to make setting their goals easier so they'll be better at working towards what they want:

Thinking About What's Hoped For in the marriage, Not What's Missing

The author says that every time she asks a couple in therapy what they hope will change about their marriage, they always start talking about what they don't like instead of that, like each other's faults. But that means they're focused on the problems rather than what they can do about them. And problems can seem insurmountable. For instance, if a goal were to be for a marriage partner not to have a bad temper any more, the person who thought up the goal might think, "How on earth is that ever going to be achieved?!" But a better way of setting goals is to think of them being achieved in little steps, and to try to rephrase them in positive terms, so you have signs to look for instead that will tell you things are changing.

So instead of a goal being something like, "I don't want my husband to have a bad temper", or whatever it is you'd like to change, people should ask themselves the question, "When my spouse is changing so things are improving in this area, what will be the signs that will show me things are improving?" That will give people things to start looking for straight away, and any little sign of improvement can be encouraging.

So, for instance, someone who doesn't like their husband's bad temper could ask themselves a question like, "When he's better at controlling his temper, what will he be doing that will show me that things have improved?" They might think that one of the signs will be that when they tell him one of the children has done something wrong, he'll ask questions to find out more about it instead of starting to shout, for example.

When they've thought through some specific things that will be happening when things improve, they can write them down as goals.

The author gives other examples of how it can work:

She says that someone who doesn't want to be separated from their marriage partner any more could change that into a goal that said something like, "I'd like him/her to be home in a couple of months."

Or if they don't like their partner avoiding them, they could turn it into a goal that said, "I'd like him to stay in the same room with me after dinner."

Or if they wish their partner wasn't always going on about the bad things about the marriage, they could turn it into a goal that said, "It would be nice if they could admit once in a while that there have been good times between us."

Or if they don't like their partner always belittling them, they could turn that into a goal that said, "I'd like him to compliment me sometimes and let me know he appreciates the things I do for him."

The author says it means focusing on the future rather than the past, and that might make people a bit more optimistic because they won't be dwelling on their problems. The goals will be like requests for change rather than complaints. The question, "When my spouse stops doing that, what will he be doing instead?" should help people change the complaints they have about the bad things in the marriage into the changes they'd like to see.

Making Goals Specific Rather than Vague

The author says that goals have to be about specific actions that will be signs that things are improving, not things where it'll be difficult to know at what point they begin to happen or when the goal has been reached. So goals shouldn't be vague things like, "I want him to be more understanding", or "I'd like her to be more cheerful", or "I'd love it if he showed greater sensitivity". Instead, they should be about actions that will show that those things are happening.

The author gives an example:

The author gives another example, saying a man came to see her because his wife had lost interest in the marriage and they had decided to separate for a few months while she decided if she thought it was worth carrying on with it or whether she wanted to divorce. She refused to come for counselling, so he came on his own. When the author asked about his goals, he said he'd like her to decide the marriage was worth saving. Since that would have left uncertainty as to what would be happening that would show that she'd decided the marriage was worth saving, the author asked him what his wife would be doing differently that would show him she was feeling more positive about saving the marriage, and he came up with a whole list of things that he could use as goals. Some of them were:

• She'd phone him up on occasion to ask how he was feeling.
• She'd agree to go out to dinner with him at least once a month.
• When he phoned her up, instead of telling him she was busy or too tired to talk, she'd spend at least ten or fifteen minutes on the phone.
• She would occasionally discuss something she planned for the future that included him.
• She'd invite him to a family get-together that was due to take place the next summer.

So he ended up with quite a lot of goals that would let him know things were improving.

Keeping Goals Small Enough for Improvements to be Noticed Regularly

The author says that although it's very understandable that people should want big changes to happen immediately, change is usually a gradual process. So keeping goals small will mean they're more easily reached, so encouragement can be drawn more regularly when they are. She says impatience for improvement can stand in the way of it happening, because it can sour attitudes further. But if marriage partners accept that change will probably be gradual and set small goals that will hopefully be reached easily, at least they will hopefully have plenty of encouragement that things are moving in the right direction.

The author gives an example of a woman whose husband had had an affair with his secretary but did seem remorseful about it. The woman was extremely upset, and said in therapy that her goal would be to have complete faith and trust in him again. The author says she could sympathise, but that goal would be difficult to reach in a short time, so she asked what the first few signs would be that would give the woman more confidence that that could happen. She said her husband would apologise for it, since though he seemed sorry, he hadn't done that. She said he'd also replace his secretary with another one so he wasn't in temptation's way anymore; and he'd phone her whenever he was going to be late home from work.

The author says that making goals too big can discourage people, because they might not be reached for ages. So it's best to set little goals at any one time that might even be reached within the next week or two. When more and more goals keep being reached, it can get more and more encouraging, so it can breed more positive attitudes all round.

The author says a good way to set goals at first is to think about what the very first signs might be that things are changing for the better, and set each sign as a goal.

Part Seven
Asking for Change, Not Complaining About the Lack of It

She recommends that people consider whether they could have been making similar mistakes, and advises that they resolve to do things differently in the future. She says that people often think they are requesting a change by asking their partners for it, when all they're really doing is complaining and annoying them. So people might think they've asked for what they want many times without result; but they might get results if they start asking a different way.

She says another reason people might not be getting what they want is because their requests are too vague. For instance, they might tell their husband or wife that they'd like less tension in the house, or better communication, or more closeness. But their partner might have no idea how to go about making things like that happen, or exactly what the one making the request means by it.

The author says that she and her husband resolved their differences about how to spend weekends when she asked him for specific things, like if they could go out to a new restaurant or a show once a month, and if he'd go out for a walk or to watch a film with her once a week. She says that sorted out the problem. She says it wouldn't have worked so well if she'd asked for things that left him puzzled as to what she really wanted, like that she wanted him to be more adventurous or involved in the relationship. But telling him exactly what she wanted helped a lot.

She says another reason people don't get what they want is that they sometimes ask for too much at once. For instance, if a couple have just got together again after having been separated, it might be a bit much for one to ask the other to declare their love for them, if the other one's still not sure they want to be in the marriage. That's why goals have to be broken down into small signs of progress.

The author says there are other important things people need to bear in mind when asking for what they want:

The Importance of Getting the Timing Right

The author says that although choosing a good time to tell a spouse what you want won't guarantee they'll agree to it, telling them at a bad time will guarantee you don't get what you want. She says that for example, she knows just when her husband is likely to ignore a request from her: when he's busy doing something; when he's just about to go out the door; when he's at work; when the children are around; or when he's very tired and wants to sleep.

She says it might seem as if he's not open to requests a lot of the time, and it's true, but there are lots of other times when he's more willing to consider them, like in the mornings at weekends before the children wake up; when her and her husband go out to dinner; or when they're talking after he's finished work.

The author says that everyone probably has a good idea of when their spouse will be more and less open to requests. But it will help if they sit down with a pen and paper and work out a list of times when it definitely wouldn't be a good idea to approach their husband or wife with a request, and a list of times when their spouse is more likely to pay attention, be more patient in considering requests and more likely to want to show goodwill towards them. She says people can help themselves work out when would be a good time if they think back to a time when their partner did agree to a request they asked for and think through what was happening that made them more willing to pay attention to it and consider it.

She says that after people have done that, they should write down when they think it would be a good time in the coming few days to tell their husband or wife what they want to improve about the marriage.

If Spouses Won't or Don't Want to Know

The author says that sometimes, when a marriage partner asks for what they want in a positive way, it can cause a very encouraging improvement in the marriage. And in that case, partners ought to be very clear about how much they appreciate it whenever their husband or wife makes noticeable changes, even though they may have a long way to go before the marriage is really stable again.

But she says that sometimes, a husband or wife won't respond in the way their spouse had hoped they would, or the spouse will feel sure they just won't want to know. She says there might be several reasons for this:

She says that sometimes there might be so much tension between partners that one won't want to do anything the other one says. Or one might not know whether they even want to stay in the marriage, so they won't see the point of improving it. Or so much talking might have been done by the partners about the marriage that one of them has just stopped listening.

She says that if one partner isn't interested in paying attention to the requests, the other one shouldn't push them. They shouldn't ask for anything, but simply start behaving in a way that will hopefully begin to convince the other one they'll be missing out on something worthwhile if they leave the marriage. Once they become keener on the marriage, then they might be more open to the requests.

Part Eight
Stopping Doing Things that Don't Work

The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
--Joseph Joubert, (Pensées, 1842)

The author says that often, people do something to try to fix a problem in their marriage that doesn't work, but instead of trying something different, they just try harder and harder to do the same thing, as if they feel sure it will work if they do it well enough, and it makes things a lot worse. For example, a woman might tell her husband she's concerned that he isn't very communicative. He might accept what she says, but then just go about his business as if she hadn't said it. The next morning, he might be reading the newspaper at breakfast instead of talking to her, and she might think that since he clearly didn't get the point before, she'll have to make it with more emphasis. So she does, but he takes her comments as nagging. So he wants to talk to her even less. So she lectures him with more feeling on his uncommunicativeness. So he gets annoyed, and walks out of the room altogether. She follows him, but the more she explains why she's upset with him to him, the less he wants to know. But the less he wants to talk, the more she tells him she's unhappy about it, and she eventually gets upset.

The author says a couple came to her for therapy where the wife objected to the strict discipline her husband used with their teenage sons, whereas he thought she was too lenient with them. She would always intervene to try to soften things for them. Her husband would become very annoyed by this, because he felt as if his decisions were being undermined by her. His annoyance made him shout at the children more harshly. That led to her intervening more to try to soften things for them, which used to annoy him and make things worse. It continued for years, with neither of them realising that the reason the other was behaving the way they were was because they didn't like the other's behaviour.

The author says that she often sees people in therapy who don't realise that what they've kept trying to do to solve the problem is the very thing that's making it worse. For instance, people come to see her saying their partners are depressed, and they've given them talks for years trying to encourage them and cheer them up, but they've just got worse. But they've never stopped to wonder whether they should stop and do something different instead. Trying to cheer a depressed spouse up might seem the most logical thing to do. But that doesn't necessarily mean it'll work.

The author says that everyone habitually tries more of the same behaviour to solve their problems even when it hasn't worked before. She says one time it's common for people to do that is when they argue. Arguments can go exactly the same way every time without anything changing.

She says the most common topics for people to argue about in exactly the same way for years include money, children or step-children, how to spend free time, sex, housework, each other's families, and communication.

She says that sometimes, particular times or occasions can trigger off behaviour that's intended to solve problems but really it's the same old behaviour that's always made them worse. She says they can include the busiest times of day when tensions arise in the house to get several things done at once; the time of the month when bills are usually paid; when families are due to visit; times when the weather's miserable, holidays when everyone sees more of each other, etc.

The author says that sometimes, people realise things go exactly the same way and think how stubborn their husband or wife is. But if their husband or wife is only responding like that because of something they themselves are doing, it must mean they're not changing their behaviour either.

The author recommends that people think about one or more arguments or problems that come up regularly, and write an outline of how they usually handle them, such as what they normally say and do, and then write down an outline of what their partner usually says and does. After that, they can plan to do something differently next time to see if it changes things.

She asks people to think about the times when their partners behave in the same old way, and consider what they usually do themselves in response, and then think about whether doing something different might change things.

She gives examples later of things people can do differently.

She says that people who have difficulty answering those things should ask themselves what, - whether they agree with it or not, - their husband or wife would say irritates them a lot about the way they themselves behave regarding the problem. She says people should try to just be honest, rather than getting defensive and denying they have anything to do with the problem.

She says that after people have done that, they should have a good idea of the things they do that are worth abandoning. She says that even if they're things that just come naturally, or that seem to be the best ways of doing things, if they're contributing to the problem, they're not worth doing any more. If dropping them could lead to a more loving relationship, it's worth doing. Change isn't just a matter of doing what seems best, but of doing what works to bring more love into the relationship.

She says it'll be good if every time a little problem comes up, partners concerned about their marriages can take a deep breath while they stand back from it for a little while and ask themselves what they want to achieve by their response to it. If the effect they want to have on their partner is to make them feel more loving towards them, or they want to have a peaceful evening with them, they might be far less unpleasant than normal. So if they know that what they feel like doing will make things worse, they should think of something different to do instead.

She says there was a couple she knows where the wife had been feeling unhappy for a while, and one day she told her husband she wanted a trial separation to see if she missed him. He was scared that she might want to divorce him and pleaded with her to stay. He encouraged her to talk about her feelings, but she didn't say anything good. He got out old photos of good times and love letters, but she claimed she'd been acting at those times. He started buying her flowers and gifts and putting loving little notes where she'd find them, but it made her more annoyed with him. He started ringing her several times a day at work to show her how much he cared, but she just became more angry, and eventually refused to take his calls. He sent her letters and emails, but it just annoyed her more. She ended up sick of the sight of him and left forever.

The author says that though it might have seemed that the man was doing the right thing, it pushed his wife away. So even when people don't think their behaviour is doing any harm, if it's irritating their spouse for some reason, they should still do something different.

Part Nine
Experimenting with Techniques to Bring Positive Changes to the Marriage

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
--Franklin D. Roosevelt

Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.
--Author Unknown

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.
--Robert Schuller

The author says there are several techniques described in the book that might work to improve marriages. Some work better with some people than others, but the worst thing someone can do is not to do anything, so the author suggests people experiment with them.

Keeping Notes of What Works in a Journal

She recommends people buy a notebook they can call a solution journal, where they make notes of everything that seems to work so they can remember to do each thing again.

She suggests that whenever they've done something they feel sure worked, they make a note of the date, and what the problem was that started things. Then they write down what they did differently from usual that helped things go better, and what their partner did in response that proved to them that what they did worked.

She suggests that a few days later, they make notes of any positive changes that took place in the days after the problem arose and got dealt with differently as well, to encourage themselves that things really are working and they'll be worth trying again.

She says for people who think writing things down will be a headache, they can just try to make mental notes and do their best to remember what worked instead.

Calming Anger Before Reacting to Provocation

The author says that some things might not be worth making the effort to change even if they're irritating, because there are things that just can't be changed. So she advises that people think about whether a situation is changeable before they bring it up.

And she says choosing what to do in the heat of the moment might be a bad thing, because of the danger that people will act and respond in anger and it'll make things worse. So she suggests that sometimes, people should take a deep breath or count to ten before responding, by which time, any initial angry impulse they had will hopefully have died down. She suggests that alternatively, they could go out for a walk to burn off energy or have a cool shower if they're tempted to comment angrily on something their husband or wife has done but know it won't do any good in the long run. Or they could go for a drive, tell themselves they'll deal with the matter later on, or do whatever works for them to calm down. People can often think more clearly when they're calm.

She says it can help people if they ask themselves one question before they say anything:

"What am I aiming to get out of what I'm about to say?"

If a person truly just wants the other person to know how angry they are, then they might not see any problem with just telling them; but if what they really want is to improve relations, the question might help them think more about how to say what they want to say, or whether it's even worth saying, before they express their feelings.

Being Much More Complimentary Than Critical

The author says it can be very easy to criticize people for not doing what we want, but the most effective way of getting them to be more kind and loving is to praise them for doing things we like. She says that so often, people notice things they like about what other people do, and don't say anything about it. For instance, someone can come home early from work, and instead of telling them how pleased they are, their husband or wife complains about how much time the two of them spend apart. Or someone can notice how nice their spouse looks in their new clothes but let the thought go by without saying anything.

The author says that research shows very clearly that the best way to get a person to do more of what you want is to compliment them, or reward them in some other way like hugging them, when you catch them doing something you want. In fact, the research has found that a well-timed compliment or other kind of reward like a hug can have much better consequences than a heartfelt conversation about what's wrong with the marriage. She says compliments are far better at getting people to do more of what you want than criticism, even tactful criticism, or forms of punishment like not speaking to your husband or wife for a while or giving them cold glances. She says there's certainly a time for criticism, but that the best way of influencing others is to praise them for what they are doing right, which will give them an incentive to do more of it.

The author says there are things that can be learned from those stories. One is that people can either focus on what they haven't got in life and make themselves and those around them miserable, or they can focus on what's going right, and be happy and make those around them happy and pleased with them.

She says the other lesson is that people are much more likely to want to please their spouses when they see them as friends, and the nicer their spouses are to them, the more they will. So positive feedback is still important when they're not doing everything in a way you consider perfect.

Taking Inspiration From the Times When the Problems Weren't Happening

The author says that although in the midst of bad times, it's difficult to remember the good times, there will have been some; and in fact often, people have a few weeks when things are going well between counselling sessions with her, but they just talk about the couple of little arguments they've had, saying they fight all the time. She says it's natural for people to assume that therapists will want to know about the bad things, but it seems to be human nature to focus on the negative things rather than the positive ones. She likes to ask clients what was different about the times when things were going well, in the hope that they'll get inspiration to recreate parts of them. She says it can be very helpful to analyse the times when things were going well to see what was different, because there may well be aspects of it that can be recreated, and the answer to many marriage problems is doing more of the things that work.

Taking Action

The author says that couples often tell her that they know that they get on best when they spend more time together, but when things aren't going well, they're just not in the mood to do that. But she says that the quickest way to change what they think and how they feel about life is to actually do something differently. She says that after people have changed things by taking an action to change them, their perspective on things changes and so their feelings are different. She says taking an action's much better than just sitting around hoping your attitude will change. So she says that even when people don't feel like it, or it feels difficult, or artificial or unnatural, once they've worked out what has worked for their marriage in the past, they should do it, soon.

The author says she's amazed by how many people could make big changes in their lives by taking very simple actions, and yet it seems they'd prefer to hold on to their own pride in their sense of being right than they would to prevent arguments and bad feeling. So she recommends people do what they know will work, even if they think it seems unfair that they should have to, because it'll make their lives a lot happier.

She recommends that people think back to when times were good in their marriage, such as when they and their husband or wife felt more compatible, when they argued less, and were more loving and intimate, and they should ask themselves what was different about those times and think through how they could recreate parts of them. She suggests a number of questions that could help people do that:

• What was I doing differently in those days when times were good?
• How was I treating my marriage partner differently?
• What was different about my life then?
• What was my spouse doing differently?
• How was my spouse treating me differently then?
• What was different about our lives together?
• What was different about our family?
• What would close friends and family say about how our lives were different in those days?

She says if there are things that were different which would be impossible to do in the same way again, she recommends people ask themselves, "What needs of ours did those things meet?" Then they should ask themselves what else they could do that might meet the same needs.

She says that apart from helping people improve their marriages by thinking through what worked in the past so they can do it again, thinking about the good times will make them feel better, and give them more confidence by boosting their faith in their abilities to solve their problems. Focusing on problems will just get them down. But focusing on solutions will give them more optimism, and whatever a person focuses on becomes a bigger influence in their lives.

Behaving as if Good Things are Anticipated

The author says that one thing that causes a lot of problems in marriages is when people predict that something bad is likely to happen, and so they behave as if it will, and their negative behaviour makes it more likely to happen. For instance, if a wife's convinced that her husband will lose his temper when her parents come round, she might behave in a grumpy way with him that'll put him in a bad mood and make him more likely to lose his temper with them because he's in a bad mood already. So the author says it can be good if people can ask themselves how they'd behave if they were sure things were going to go really well, and then behave in that way, as if they're expecting things to go well, or expecting their partner to be loving, or whatever. Then, they should watch what happens.

So she recommends that when people find themselves thinking things will probably turn out badly, they stop themselves for a minute and think:

• How was I going to approach this situation given my pessimism?
• How would I like the situation to turn out?
• How would I handle this situation differently if I were expecting good things to happen?

She says then, even though the person thinking about this technique might be doubtful that things will turn out well, they should do all the things they would do if they were convinced things were going to go well, and see what happens.

Doing Something Different

The author says that most of the time, people have routines that they go through without even thinking about it, like doing everything in the same order when they get up in the morning, taking the same route to work and so on. She says that's a good thing to a certain extent, because it conserves energy, since it stops people having to spend time thinking about what to do next. But when it comes to marital problems, it can lead to disaster, since doing things that antagonise a partner in the same way all the time can just ruin the relationship. For instance, people might argue in the same way about the same thing at the same time every day.

So she suggests people get the relationship out of its routines by doing something different. This can start a chain reaction of different behaviour that ends up with everyone enjoying themselves more.

She gives a few examples.

The author gives another example, of a husband and wife who argued about money every Friday night when they came in from work. Because they started off the weekend badly, it was always miserable. It had been for months. But one day, the man decided to do something different in the hope of having a good weekend for a change. So when Friday night came around and his wife started the usual conversation about money, he said, "I'd like to talk to you about this, but I'd prefer to wait till Sunday. Will that be allright with you?" She was surprised by what he said, and said it would be allright.

They went out for dinner on Friday night, and for the first time in months, really enjoyed themselves as a couple. On Saturday, they went shopping together and again enjoyed themselves. By Sunday, they were feeling better about each other than they had for a long time. That might be the reason why when the wife brought up the subject of money on Sunday night, they managed to settle the disagreement instead of having the same old argument.

So what had started out as a simple change in the time they had their argument had brought them closer together.

The author suggests people think about each thing that isn't going right in the marriage where they're still continuing to do the same thing as they always have, and think about what they could do differently. She gives some examples:

• Anyone who's been talking about their feelings a lot could stop talking about them altogether.
• Anyone who's been keeping their feelings to themselves could bring them out into the open.
• Anyone who's been apologetic and soft-spoken could take a strong stand.
• Anyone who's been fiery could start to be patient.
• Anyone who's been clingy could start being more independent.
• Anyone who's been very independent could start showing their partner they need them more.

She says it helps to do something completely out of the ordinary.

She recommends that with each behaviour where doing more of the same thing just leads to more conflict so doing something different would be a good idea, people should draw up a list of specific things they could do differently. She gives the example of what someone could do differently if they're suspicious of their spouse's absences from home and so they always interrogate them when they get back. They could, for instance:

• Make sure they're not home when their spouse arrives;
• not ask any questions about where he or she went;
• instead of being angry as usual, act pleased to see their spouse;
• make their spouse wonder about them by being less accessible and predictable;
• instead of interrogating their spouse, they could seduce them when they arrive.

Using Humour

She says that if anyone has difficulty deciding what they could do differently to surprise their spouse and break a routine, they could perhaps use humour. She says humour can often relieve tension so couples start getting on better. She says a friend of hers said her husband said something really funny once in the middle of an argument but she absolutely refused to laugh, in case he thought he'd won; but that that can be counterproductive, because humour can make marriages run a lot more smoothly.

Being Inventive About Communication

The author says there are many different ways to communicate besides talking face to face. She says an increasing number of couples communicate via email to make peace and find solutions to problems when talking hasn't worked. Some couples communicate best by phone. And writing heartfelt letters can sometimes work. So if talking face-to-face hasn't worked, it doesn't mean there's no hope.

The author says there was another woman who unwittingly hurt her husband's feelings. She tried apologising, but he wasn't ready to forgive her. She left him to sulk for a day or two to see if he got over it, but he didn't. She tried talking some more, but it still didn't work. So one morning, just before he had his shower, she wrote "I love you and I am very sorry" on the shower wall with her lipstick. Then she put some lipstick on herself and kissed the wall several times so there would be lots of kiss shapes on it. Then, she waited to see what happened.

He had his shave, and then he went into the shower. At the time he turned the water on, she heard him laughing. That solved the problem.

Communicating with Actions, Not Words

The author says that sometimes, nothing a wife says will get through to her husband no matter how she says it, because men tend to be more action-orientated and less verbally-orientated than women, so they can feel overloaded with words sometimes so nothing else goes in. But both men and women could benefit if their spouses try communicating in another way. The technique involves stopping trying to express feelings and other concerns verbally, and just taking action instead. So it would mean no letters, no emails, no phone conversations or anything.

The author says another woman had asked and sometimes even begged her husband for years to go out with her at weekends. Her friends all went out and she was unhappy that her life wasn't as entertaining as theirs. One day, she started going out with friends or on her own at weekends regardless of the fact that her husband stayed at home.

After a little while, he became curious and decided he didn't like being at home on his own at weekends, and one day asked if he could join her on a trip to the city's art museum one weekend. They did go there together, and had a great time, and afterwards, they didn't go straight home but went to a new restaurant. They really enjoyed themselves.

After that, the wife carried on going out at weekends, and about half the time, he asked if he could join her. She was really pleased.

Letting Some Things Sort Themselves Out

The author says that sometimes, the more efforts one person makes to run things smoothly, the less efforts the other person will make. For instance, if one person always does the washing up, the other one might not even think about it. Or if one person always remembers family birthdays, the other one won't think they have to. If one person always makes efforts to solve the problems in the marriage, the other person may feel they don't have to bother. So sometimes, it can be best to give the other person the challenge of deciding what to do themselves.

She advises people who are always taking responsibility for solving problems in the marriage that it might have a positive effect on their partner if they stand back for a while and give them the opportunity to notice things are different and take more responsibility themselves.

Behaving in a Dramatically Different Way From Usual

The author says that sometimes, if what people have been doing hasn't been working, doing the exact opposite might, even if it seems unlikely.

The author says that sometimes, doing dramatically different things can seem illogical and even dangerous. For instance, if she'd advised the husband in therapy to take a strong stand with his wife, he'd have been sure it wouldn't work. But she says that people who try it can always change again if it doesn't work. And the worst thing they can do is to do more of what they know doesn't work.

What to Do as a Last Resort

The author recommends people do what she calls the "last-resort technique" if they feel sure their spouse is leaving, if he or she has told them in no uncertain terms that he/she wants a divorce and it wasn't just said in the heat of an argument, if he or she has actually filed for divorce, or if the couple are separated physically, or they're still together but have very little to do with each other, perhaps sleeping in different rooms and hardly communicating.

She says that though the "last-resort technique" won't always work, it works often enough to be well worth trying, and she's had many letters, emails and phone calls from people saying it did work.

She says that usually, when a marriage is on the brink of divorce, one partner wants the divorce while the other one is desperate to stay in the marriage, doing everything they can think of to make their partner stay, pleading, reasoning and begging. They might send heartfelt letters and emails pleading for sympathy, and phone there partner often. They might even make suicide threats. But the author says the desperate spouse will often be driving their partner further away, because all that pleading and begging and reasoning etc. will feel like pressure, and the more the partner who wants to stay in the marriage pursues the other, the more pressure the other one will feel under, so they're likely to insist more strongly that the marriage is over, and then the pursuing partner will step up their behaviour more, and the other partner will get even more fed up and be even more likely to leave.

She says it's human nature to want to hold on to things that are precious that seem to be disappearing, and the spouse who wants to stay in the marriage is bound to be very upset; but it's also human nature to want to escape from situations where you feel under pressure. So the spouse doing the pursuing has to stop at once, even though it might seem illogical. While they're making desperate efforts to keep the other partner in the marriage, they'll be making the partner who wants a divorce focus all their attention on the pressure they feel under and the faults of their partner rather than on any concerns about the failing marriage that they still have. If the partner who wants the divorce or separation is angry, they'll have no room to feel any grief, guilt, remorse, sadness, or anything else about the failing marriage that might make them more sympathetic. They'll be so preoccupied with annoyance that they won't have time to reflect on whether divorce is really what they want, or whether they could have contributed to the marital problems and might be willing to change.

The author says she knows it's very difficult to stop pursuing a partner who's leaving, but there are things people can do that often work much better.

She says the last resort technique basically involves behaving in a way that will seem attractive to a spouse who's lost enthusiasm for the marriage, in order that they will hopefully become enthusiastic about it again. That will often be completely opposite to the way the one who's really upset about the failing marriage will have behaved recently while they were so miserable about the marriage break-up. She says it's natural to feel miserable and mope around at a time like that, but much as it might seem difficult, attracting a partner back may involve completely opposite behaviour, like going out and enjoying yourself so you're cheerful around them and have interesting news.

The author points out that the last resort technique didn't cure the problems in their marriage, and it isn't designed to. It's simply designed to put a halt to behaviour that isn't working. If it changes the partner's attitude, that will be the time for the couple to start trying to resolve their problems, either by themselves or in therapy.

The author says there are a few steps involved in the last-resort technique:

She says first, people should give up any behaviour their spouse might consider to be chasing behaviour, such as:

• Phoning often;
• trying to start conversations about the future;
• begging a spouse to reconsider their decision;
• asking family to intervene and help;
• pointing out all the good in the marriage;
• asking for reassurance;
• buying flowers or other gifts;
• writing letters;
• trying to arrange dates together;
• Following the spouse around the house;
• spying on them.

She says it's also important to stop saying, "I love you", even though it will most likely be difficult. But she says the problem with saying that is that it will remind the spouse that they don't currently feel the same way. It will also be discouraging, since they won't respond with loving feeling.

She says it's perfectly normal and natural for people to get clingy and depressed when they fear they're about to lose someone, perhaps crying a lot and losing interest in things. The trouble is that it isn't attractive to spouses thinking of leaving. In fact, it may put them off the marriage even more, especially if the one in misery is competing with an unrealistic fantasy they might have of a life without problems once they've left the marriage, or an idealised day-dream of enjoying being with another woman. So it's important that spouses who fear their partners are about to leave or whose partners have left start behaving as if they're moving on with life, becoming cheerful and outgoing.

She says that may be difficult to do, but it's possible when people consider that they're behaving differently to the way they normally would now in their depressed state because they're so upset, so it's as if they're not really themselves; but they know they can behave differently, because they did before the problems came. They'll know they can be more confident and strong. If they think through what it was that made their partners fall in love with them in the first place, then they'll have a model of how to behave now. So they won't be putting on an act, but just behaving more like their true selves. They'll have been behaving out of character while they've been so upset. So they need to resurrect who they really are as a person, the person their partner was attracted to in the first place.

So they need to start being more cheerful in their partner's presence, giving the impression they're pleased with themselves and their lives. If they have phone conversations, they should sound content or even lively. They shouldn't wait around hoping their spouses will call, but should go out with friends, find new hobbies, keeping busy and less predictable. They should start doing things differently. If they usually try to engage their partners in conversation when they phone or come round, they could keep much quieter. Those who tend to question their spouse about where they've been and who with should stop, simply wishing their partner a good time. People should basically give the impression they've decided to pick themselves up and move on with or without their partner. That doesn't mean they should be angry or cold, but just that they should stop putting pressure on their partner, appear more attractive, and see if their spouse realises what they'll be missing out on if they leave.

She says another benefit of getting a better life is that it will improve the mental health of anyone doing it, regardless of whether or not their spouse does come back to them. So people should put their minds to thinking of ways they could get more involved with life again and do things to please themselves, like going out to places they used to enjoy going to, taking a class where they'll learn something that interests them, contacting old friends, looking at the beauty of nature, reading good books, visiting family members, or anything they know they'd enjoy. It's important for people's well-being that they take care of themselves.

She says the last-resort technique won't always work, but even if it doesn't bring the spouse who's lost enthusiasm for the marriage back, it will increase the self-esteem of the person putting it into operation.

If Things Begin to Improve

She says that if it does work, it might take time before the partner who thought of getting a divorce becomes really committed to the marriage again, and the marriage might need a lot of working on.

She says the spouse who lost interest in the marriage might start to be curious about the life changes the other one's made, and may start asking a lot of questions about them and even requesting the two meet together. But the other one should be loving, but they shouldn't get too excited by this or enthusiastic, or the spouse who wanted the separation might start to feel pressured again and back off. The partner trying to save the marriage should accept some invitations to spend time with the other one, but not all. A few other things that might be good ideas would include:

• Not asking any questions about their future together;
• being vague about the new changes, not giving much explanation as to why they're happening;
• continuing to be cheerful and positive;
• still not saying "I love you";
• not getting into conversations about the marriage;
• being the first to decide to leave after a meeting together.

She says that if a partner's excited by their spouse's renewed interest in them and the marriage, they could share their joy about it with friends, but not with their spouse.

They can feel free to start becoming more enthusiastic around their spouse once they feel absolutely sure their spouse has made a new commitment to saving the marriage. Then, they can try discussing the future. If the spouse who lost interest seems willing to discuss the future with them, they can start to discuss why they drifted apart and what to do in the future to prevent it happening again. But if the spouse seems reluctant, then the other one should go back to being interested in them but distant.

It might take some time for things to start looking more positive, but if the spouse who wanted to separate is showing some interest, it at least means there's hope, even if it takes weeks or even several months for the interest to grow. The spouse who's waiting for it to grow might be tempted to become impatient, but it's important to stay patient to keep the partner's interest. The task of enticing them back is the important thing.

The author says it's unlikely, but it can happen that making the life changes can entice the partner back quickly. They might want to come back and behave as if nothing happened. But she says that if they do, it's important that the two of them don't actually behave as if nothing happened, but that they address the problems that drove them apart. Otherwise, the partner who lost interest in the marriage will get disillusioned again at some point and lose interest again.

She recommends that people are cautious about getting back into their marriage. For instance, they shouldn't spend every minute together if they've previously been emotionally far from each other, and they should keep their separate interests going. They should take things slowly. Otherwise, if things are too much like they were before, the spouse who got fed up of the marriage will get fed up of it again.

She recommends that people could take a course in marriage enrichment/relationship skills. She says many churches, colleges and mental health centres do good ones.

Watching What Happens Afterwards

The author says it's important that the person trying to attract their husband or wife back keeps looking out to see if the new things they're doing are having an effect on their husband or wife.

She says that although changes can happen fast, it's more usual for them to be gradual. She says the length of time it will take to get the marriage good again will depend on several things:

• the severity of the problems;
• the personalities of the partners;
• the length of time there have been difficulties in the relationship;
• each spouse's amount of motivation to work things out;
• outside influences from extended family and friends;
• and the level of skill each spouse has at solving problems.

She says it's absolutely necessary to be patient while things are changing, since it might take weeks or months, much longer than hoped for. And the progress might not be smooth. There might be good days that fill spouses with optimism, but then bad days that disappoint. Or good weeks and then bad weeks. But it's important to remember on the bad days that a good day might be just around the corner, and not to start feeling self-pitying or discouraged.

She says that sometimes, a spouse who's made a recent new commitment to the marriage might be suspicious of the other one's changes, thinking they're just putting on an act to win him or her back. She advises that if a partner asks that question, the other one shouldn't be defensive or anything. They can just be reassuring that they can understand why the other one thinks that, but that the changes are for real and they intend to keep them up whether or not the marriage lasts. The other spouse should become more confident about that as

She says that the important thing is that the one who's made changes can be confident that at least they're making efforts to save the marriage. So that can be comforting, even if there's some way to go.

She says people can tell whether what they're doing's improving things if they look back at the goals they wrote for how they would know things were improving and see if any of them are being met. Even if it's something as simple as going a whole day without an argument, when that happens, the person who wrote the goals can be confident they're doing something that works.

The author says it's important to remember that progress might be very gradual. For instance, a marriage is unlikely to go from distant to passionate over night. But every tiny step forward can be a sign of encouragement.

She says that on the other hand, if a partner responds negatively to something, even if it's something the book recommends, it may mean it isn't working for that couple, so the one using it should stop doing it and try something else.

But she says an angry reaction won't always be a bad sign; sometimes, people can react angrily at first, for instance if their partner's been very careful about what they said in the past but then tells them everything they're thinking; but then in the following days, they can start to be kinder, as if they've got the message. So sometimes, it can be best to wait a few days to see whether things are improving afterwards.

But then, she says people should be cautious when trying out new approaches to see how well they're working before they try them out a lot.

She says that if a change is working to improve things, small positive changes should be seen within a week or two. She says it's unlikely that anything major will happen in that time, but people might notice a bit more friendliness from their spouse, less argumentativeness, a few more thoughtful little actions, a greater willingness to engage in conversation, some signs of interest occasionally, and other such things.

She says if nothing like that has happened within two weeks, there might be no harm in carrying on with the method, since change might happen soon. But if things seem to be getting worse at all, then it might well be a sign that the person needs to change to another method.

She says someone told her she'd been separated from her husband for ten months, and she decided she couldn't stand it anymore, so she'd file for a divorce to see if it made him think. But she told him all about how much psychological pain she was in because of the divorce and because they weren't together, and he interpreted it as pleading, and said he'd been going to come home, but he just couldn't stand the idea of having to hear about all the misery, so he'd decided not to again. So she advised that people should be happy around their partners to make themselves seem like people they'll want to come home to. She advised that people work bad feelings off before meetings with their spouse, by doing physical exercise or whatever works best for them, so they can seem contented when they arrive.

Part Ten
Gaining Encouragement About Progress in Improving the Marriage

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
--Earl Nightingale

The author says that after some time of working on gradually bringing more love, thoughtfulness and enthusiasm back into a marriage, it might be heartening for people to work out how far they've come compared to how things were when the marriage was at its worst, since progress might not seem much from day to day, and so it might be easy to forget how much progress there has been altogether, so it might be really encouraging to think through how much there has been since the start of efforts to work on the marriage. So she suggests questions people can ask themselves to help them reflect on how far they've come:

• On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being as bad as it could be and 10 being as good as it could get, where was my marriage before I started working on it?
• Whereabouts on the scale is it now?
• Am I satisfied with that?
• If not, (given that people can't expect things to be perfect in a marriage,) where on the scale would it have to be to make me feel satisfied, and what would be different about my marriage if it was there?
• (Given that improvements are likely to be gradual and so I may be able to expect lots of little changes for the better over time rather than changes all at once,) what would be one or two actions I could take or that could happen to move my marriage up the scale a point or a half point?

The author says people's answers to those questions will tell them whether they've accomplished their goals, improved things a bit but not to the point where they're satisfied, or whether nothing's changed. And they might prompt new ideas on what to do next.

If Things Are Progressing, But Not Enough Yet

The author says people should feel encouraged no matter how much progress they've made, even if it doesn't seem much. But if it doesn't, they can ask themselves as specifically as possible what would have to happen for significant progress to be made, before they ask themselves the list of questions about how high up their marriage is on the scale again in a few weeks or months. If they're finding it difficult to think of answers to the questions, there are things that might help them:

She recommends people think about that question about what would have to happen to move the marriage a half point up on the scale again. She says when she asks some people that question in therapy, they talk about what their husband or wife would have to do to move it up half a point, like saying he or she would have to be willing for them to spend more time together. She says that people who think their marriages would improve a bit if their spouse took an action should ask themselves what they would have to do themselves to make it more likely that their spouse would take that action. Loving behaviour will make a spouse feel more loving.

Then they could put the behaviour they think might make their spouse more loving into practice.

If the spouse who was considering divorce is amenable to change, the author says the one who's been working most to save the marriage can discuss what they'd like them to do more of with them. But she says it'll help if it's stated in terms of what action they could take, rather than being vague or negative like a complaint, and it will help if it's realistically achievable in the near future.

She says that sometimes, people say that it's their own behaviour that needs to change, like saying they need to keep their temper with the kids or to be more appreciative of their husband or wife. She says that people who think their own behaviour needs to change should plan how they could take concrete steps towards changing it that are achievable soon, and make sure they're specific and positively stated, so as to promote clear action. For instance, a person who just resolved not to lose their temper as much in the future might not manage to do it, because they might not have any idea about how to stop themselves getting so angry. So they would have to think of things they could do to stop themselves instead, that they knew they could achieve, and resolve to do those instead.

She says some people think that what would have to change is that they would have to feel more confident that the changes are lasting and not just a fluke. She says people who feel like that ought to ask themselves how much longer the changes would have to be going on for them to become confident they weren't just a fluke. She says that even when changes are genuine and long-lasting, it doesn't mean people won't have a bad day or week every now and then. It's natural for people to do that. So it's important for people to make a distinction between a bad day and the beginning of changes for the worse.

So people could ask themselves what would have to happen in order for something to seem like just a bad day and not a reversal of progress. Again, they should be as specific as possible.

She says people should rate the progress of their marriage weekly until they reach their goals, even if it takes quite a while. And they should write down all their successes in their solution journal, encourage themselves with every small success, and be patient for the rest.

If No Progress Has Been Made

She says that if no progress has been made, there are several reasons why that might be the case. She lists some of the most common:

Not Giving Methods Enough Time

She says one reason is that people haven't given a method enough time. If one method hasn't worked immediately, they go on to trying another one. And another. But sometimes, the methods will take a little while to work. So it's best to stick with one for at least a fortnight before moving on to another, unless it seems to actually be making things worse.

She says that if couples are separated, the methods might take even longer to show positive results, because the two of them will see less of each other so there will be less opportunity for putting them into action.

If the Methods Aren't Different Enough From the Norm

She says another reason methods might fail is that they aren't different enough from the way a person normally does things. She says some people tell her they've tried everything, but this is highly unlikely to be true. It usually turns out that they've tried many, many variations of the same technique and got the same results.

The author says that people should think carefully about what they've been doing. Even if it isn't using words, it might be something where they think they've tried lots of different things, but really, they've just been using variations of the same technique.

She recommends people try something radically different from what they've done before, even if doing it seems a bit weird. She says people can give themselves permission to be creative, thinking back to see if they've had any zany ideas about what might work before but have held back from using them, and giving them a go.

Not Noticing Small Changes for the Better

She says another reason people might not think there have been any changes is because they just haven't been noticing the small signs of change. People can be longing so much for more love to be brought back into the marriage sometimes that they overlook little positive signs that things are moving in that direction. There may have been little signs of kindness which hold a promise of things to come, but they may have been missed. So people can feel discouraged.

Not Thinking Small Changes Matter

She says that some people notice the little steps that take place every so often in the right direction, but don't think anything of them because they think they're so small. But again, that can also lead to discouragement. Every little step should be appreciated, because it means things are moving in the right direction and it'll lead to others. For someone who wasn't interested in the marriage at all a while ago, even little changes in their behaviour should be considered signs of encouragement.

The author says some people don't want to feel excited about little steps forward in case things go wrong again and they feel let down. She says she understands that people might feel like that, but it's best to allow oneself to feel hope and encouragement at little steps, because a positive attitude can lead to more.

Only Using Methods Half-Heartedly

She says that sometimes, things won't have changed because the person trying the methods has been only half-hearted. Their spouse will notice they're not doing things wholeheartedly, so they might think they're just putting on an act and trying to manipulate them. So they'll respond negatively.

She says one reason people do things half-heartedly is because they don't feel comfortable doing them but they just feel as if they ought to. She says that if a method feels artificial to someone, they shouldn't use it but should choose something else instead.

She says another reason people can do things half-heartedly is that although they might not admit it to themselves, they're still blaming the other one for the marriage's problems and think they should change first. But that kind of attitude won't get the marriage anywhere. An attitude of blame will just make the partner even less pleased with the marriage and more likely to leave. But once a person starts looking to the future instead of feeling embittered about the past and starts changing themselves, it may well spark off changes in the other so they no longer behave in the way that upset the partner who changed first, and that's the main thing.

Falling Back Into Old Bad Habits

The author says another reason changes don't work is that the one initiating the changes accidentally falls back into their old ways again, so their partner lapses back into the same old routines as well. Then, they think it's the technique that doesn't work, when really, it isn't working because they're not really using it.

She says that if the partner most concerned about the marriage noticed improvements at all at any time, it must mean they were doing something right. So if the improvements have slowed or come to a halt, they should ask themselves what they aren't doing any more that they were doing before, and start doing it again.

The Other One Isn't Motivated to Improve the Marriage

She says that one reason things don't change is because the other partner's having an emotional or physical affair with someone else, so they aren't motivated to bother with the marriage, even though they know their partner's changing. This can be difficult, but not impossible. She says there are things people can do, such as making themselves as attractive as possible to a husband or wife by following the advice about the "last resort technique". And she says that most affairs end within six months.

If There is Genuinely No Hope for the Marriage

She says that another reason things don't work, and the most difficult to cope with, is that when the other person said the marriage was over, they really meant it. There was no room for uncertainty in their minds.

She says that when people say a marriage is over, it can sometimes be difficult to know if they can be made willing to try again or whether they've made a very firm decision. The author advises that people who aren't sure act as if they think the marriage still has possibilities, telling themselves that it might, but that things might just take longer than expected to work out. So they should do all the things they'd do if they expected an eventual positive outcome.

The author advises that people don't let themselves be convinced by anyone, whether friends, lawyers, therapists or whoever, that they need to move on with their life without their husband or wife, if that's not what they want to do. They shouldn't stop trying to improve their marriage until they're absolutely convinced there's no hope, or until they just can't stand the emotional pain of rejection any more and they can't think of anything else they can do.

She says that if and when people finally do decide there's no hope, they'll probably go through a painful period of mourning, grieving for the death of the relationship and the dream they had. They should accept the pain as natural, but while they're mourning, they should still think to a certain extent about what they can do to make life more pleasant for themselves, doing nice things, spending times with loved ones, and doing things that are productive. She says it might be difficult to believe, but people do find happiness again. People who finally concede that divorce is the only option they're left with can find happiness again, develop new interests, find new enjoyment of life with new partners and work things out as best they can with children.

Part Eleven
Continuing to Make Efforts to Keep the Marriage Healthy

The author/therapist says it's very important not to take positive changes in a marriage for granted, but to make sure they're kept going in the coming months and years. She says anyone who wants to review what positive changes have helped to make their marriage better and which ones to keep going can look back at their solution journal to see what's worked best and ask themselves questions like:

• What have I been doing that has triggered positive changes in my marriage?
• What has my spouse been doing that has triggered positive changes in my marriage?

• What do I need to continue to do to make sure my spouse will stay interested in keeping the good things going?

She says people who want to stay in love with their spouses have to keep doing loving things for them every day. They'll never get to the point when they can stop being thoughtful or caring.

She says that everyone has days when they fall back into old bad habits, perhaps shouting at their husband or wife angrily instead of thinking about what would be the best solution to a problem. But she says that when people fail, they shouldn't feel bad about themselves, because they can always get themselves back on track when they realise they're slipping back into old habits. She says the difference between winners and losers isn't the amount of failure each one has but the way they deal with it. Winners don't sit around brooding about it feeling sorry for themselves or guilty or holding grudges, but they just acknowledge they didn't do so well and resolve to get back into their new ways straightaway and go for it.

She says it doesn't matter who's at fault when things start to go a bit wrong; the important thing is that responsibility's taken for getting the marriage back on track. She urges people to remember that every day when a couple aren't getting on is a day lost from their lives. So even if the one trying to make the changes feels wronged, sulking or getting angry is really just wasting time.

Ideas for Making Up After Arguments

She says that just as couples tend to argue in the same way in the same place at the same time about the same things all the time, people tend to give out the same signs to signal that they're getting in the mood to make up all the time, or there are certain patterns that happen when they want to make up. For instance, some talk through what happened and resolve things; sometimes one apologises; sometimes one brings the other a cup of coffee without saying anything; one might touch the other lightly in passing; one might phone up from work for a chat; one might do little kind or loving things for the other; one might leave a little loving note, maybe one asking the other out to dinner; some couples who've been distancing themselves from each other might start sitting in the same room again watching television or something, and so on.

She says timing's another important thing; some people like to make sure they make up that day; some people prefer to wait till tempers have cooled and they're feeling more hospitable, because trying to make up before then will make things worse.

So she says it can be helpful if people can identify each other's preferred methods of cooling arguments down and making up, and make allowances for each other's preferred styles of doing things. Then, the home can become more peaceful. If people can identify their spouse's styles of making up, they can respond to them sooner to make friends again.

So she suggests several questions people can ask themselves to help them work out what they habitually do when they feel like starting to make friends with their spouse after an argument again, and what their spouse's are:

• How can I tell when my spouse is ready to make up? What will he be doing or saying?
• What makes it more likely that I'll be ready to make up?
• Under what circumstances am I likely to want to make the first move to make up?
• Under what circumstances is my spouse likely to be the first one to want to do that?
• What do I tend to do when I want to make up?
  She gives a list of suggestions to help people get thinking about what they do, like cracking a joke, giving their partner a kiss and so on.
• What does my partner do?
• When is the best time to try to melt the ice with my partner? At what times or in what circumstances are they most approachable?
• When am I most approachable?
• Is there a particular place where my partner and I often like to make up? If so, where is it?

She says that once people have clarified in their minds what they usually do to make up, they can discuss the matter with their spouses, and then put the techniques into practice deliberately to speed up the making-up process.

She says she thinks the couples who have the most difficult time making up are those who are more concerned about who's in the right than about being close. She says it's not wise to get too bothered about always having to be the one who makes up first, since when people look for them, they're likely to see signs that actually, their partner is making moves towards making up. They might have never taken too much notice before, but even if their partner isn't specifically apologising or saying they want to make up, they might be doing a few helpful little things, or phoning up from work to talk about something they use as an excuse to have a chat, and so on. So she says people shouldn't let pride be a hindrance to getting more love in their lives.

She says the more people take steps to reconcile after arguments, the more they're setting an example for their husband or wife, and if they carry on, without feeling resentful, the likelihood is that their spouse will follow the behaviour and do it more themselves.

Avoiding Arguments by Planning Ways of Dealing With Problems Differently

She says that sometimes, arguments can be avoided altogether when people think about the next few weeks and ask if there are any difficult issues that are likely to crop up that need to be resolved, and what they are. She gives a few examples, saying that some couples might traditionally fight when they have house guests, or when one of them gets tense because they feel under pressure because they've got deadlines to meet at work, or one of them might be especially moody at certain times of the month or year and those times are just coming up.

She asks people to think through how they can handle the situations differently this time. She advises that people think through everything they've learned about changing their behaviour, and think of at least one thing they could say or do differently when the challenging situation arises, something that would be different enough that their spouse would take notice and perhaps act differently themselves. She advises that people make a note of what they plan to do, to remind themselves.

Keeping the Marriage on Track

She recommends that people ask themselves to identify signs that things are slipping back to the way they used to be, and plan what actions they could take to get things going in the right direction again.

She says the more practice people have at moving the marriage forward and getting things back on track after setbacks, the more confident they'll become that the changes are permanent and the love has been restored to the marriage. She says sometimes it takes time and patience before people get confident that that's happened, but it's worth persevering, and as people do, thinking in terms of working things out rather than getting bogged down in problems becomes more and more automatic.

Part Twelve
How Other People Have Saved Their Marriages Using the Techniques in a Previous Similar Book

The author illustrates how one half of a couple can get their marriage going again, using a couple of examples.

Carol and Dean

The author tells the story of a couple whose marriage took a year to heal, but in the end it was happier than ever. The wife had criticized and complained about the things her husband did that she didn't like all the time for years, but she got out of the habit and became more loving, and eventually, her husband responded and they became the best of friends after a while.

She'd been very discouraged at first, because she'd left a letter for him about how she finally realised she needed to change and intended to, and how much she loved him. But he didn't have any hope that things would change, and so he didn't take it seriously. And she slipped back into her old complaining ways and things got worse. But she realised she'd gone wrong, changed again, and persevered with the changes, till eventually, relations between them became better and better.

He'd been contemplating an affair at the beginning and refused to stop seeing the other woman. She realised she'd have to stop nagging him if she was going to make herself more attractive to him. She started focusing on doing things to increase her enjoyment of life, and in the process, she probably became more attractive to her husband. He realised he was still committed to the marriage and eventually cut off contact with the other woman to get temptation out of the way. They still argued sometimes after their marriage had improved significantly, but for the most part, they were very happy again.

Well, it's good to read about these things working. I think the book's given me some good new ideas.

Notes and Links

The Backstory

The Way Things Are Before They Begin to Improve

Nicola is a trainee marriage counsellor, but she has become disillusioned with her course, because it focuses on encouraging people to express feelings and talk about problems rather than concentrating on looking for solutions, and she feels this could make marriages worse, especially if there's a lot of bad feeling around to start with that could just inflame matters if expressed more. Also, she worries that the course encourages people to think that personal happiness is more important than the welfare of the family group and that it can be achieved if people divorce after having tried a few things to improve their marriage and failed. She's convinced that divorce isn't usually the path to greater happiness. Having seen too many unhappy children of divorced parents for her liking, as well as people who divorced only to discover it didn't lead to happiness but caused even more problems than they had before, she looks for information that's more positive about the possibilities of saving marriages and that can give her some good new ideas.

She finds an optimistic self-help book, written by a therapist who's had years of experience counselling couples in danger of divorce, and reads it, hoping it will help.

It does, and she learns a lot of things that she and others find helpful.