By Diana Holbourn
Becky Gives Advice on the Radio Station she Works at and a Lecture at her Old University, and is Invited to Work on a Television Documentary
Book Seven of the online Becky Bexley series. Chapter 1 continued.
This series accompanies the books about what Becky does at university and afterwards, which you can find out more about on my author website. (The online series is in draft form.)
(To recap: At the end of the previous page, Becky talks about how getting anger out of the system before forgiving can improve the mental health.)
Becky drank a few mouthfuls of water, and then continued, "Sometimes, people feel shame as well as anger, which either confuses them about whether they're justified in feeling angry, because they wonder if they're at least partly responsible for what they've been suffering, such as when someone who was physically abused as a child often got told by one or both of their parents while it was going on that they were useless and bad, and that that was why they deserve nothing more than to be abused, and they came to believe it for years, or in a whole variety of other situations where shame can make people wonder if the anger they feel is really justified, because they partly blame themselves, fairly or unfairly, for what happened; or the shame can add to anger, because it's caused by suspicions about what people are thinking, such as if someone gets sacked from work, fairly or unfairly, and they suspect that people are wondering and whispering about what they might have done to deserve it, and they get more worked up the more they think about it.
"Someone with those kinds of worries can grow to be angrier with the person who sacked them than they might have been otherwise, because they can blame them for the shame they feel because of their sacking, after they start worrying about what people must be thinking, and what must be happening to their reputation. And shame can add to the anger they feel with the people who they suspect are talking about them too, when they imagine they're being uncomplimentary.
"Or if a person divorces, they might wonder what people are gossiping about them, worried about whether they're speculating about what they might have done to deserve it, and that kind of thing, feeling angrier the more their suspicions grow. There are all kinds of situations where shame can lead to a person becoming more angry than they would have done if it wasn't for the shame they feel.
"The people they're worried are saying bad things about them might really be bitching about them; and if they find out, they're almost bound to be annoyed, understandably, especially if they think they're being blamed for what happened, instead of people being clued in about both sides of the story. The upset caused by the shame can make it harder to forgive than it would have been otherwise. As well as causing grudges against the person or people causing the shame, it can cause people to resent the original offender even more, such as hating their former boss even more than they did at first if they've been sacked, because they think that if only they hadn't fired them, people wouldn't have started gossiping about them.
"The author recommends that people write a few paragraphs or about a page in their journal about any shame they feel, such as what caused it and what its effects have been. Then they can read it back to themselves, and then rate how much shame they feel on a scale of one to ten, where one signifies no shame at all to speak of, and ten is the most shame it might be possible to feel. As they go through the forgiveness process, the shame might diminish; and if they rate their shame later on and it's lower, they'll have evidence they can be pleased about that what they're doing to forgive and improve their mental health by it, benefiting themselves as well as the one they're trying to forgive and maybe others, is working.
"He recommends that people think about what's really causing the shame - whether it really is other people judging them harshly, or whether a lot of it's really the person's own suspicions and speculations and assumptions about what other people are saying and thinking. If other people really are judging them unfairly harshly, they can write about how what they know about what they're saying contrasts with the real story, which might help get emotions out of the system.
"If the burden of shame is big, again, it might help to tell a confidante about it, or a therapist if there isn't another person around who seems likely to understand and sympathise. It's worth anyone who thinks they could do with some therapy looking into the kinds of therapy that are available, since some will be more helpful than others, and some therapists will be more likely to respond in a helpful way than others.
"The author says guilt can cause a lot of emotional upset too; rather than shame, which is caused by a worry about what other people will think, guilt is caused by a person's own judgments about what they've done, and self-condemnation. If they responded to provocation by doing things they later come to believe were unfair and out of proportion, for instance, they can feel really guilty, although the author says the pain of impending guilt can cause some people to try to escape it by blaming other people for their part in things so they can justify their own actions.
"Or some guilt is unjustified, and a kind of protection mechanism against something worse, because some people hate to feel anger with someone in their lives, and would prefer to take a larger part of the blame for some problems than an outside observer would likely think was fair, because they're subconsciously scared of losing some kind of benefit they're getting from something the person's doing if they express anger towards them, or they're scared they'll do something worse to them if they provoke them with anger, so they can reason themselves into thinking they're as much or more to blame than the other person for some things; and then over time, they can come to dislike themselves for what they think they must keep doing to provoke what happens; and although that's upsetting, it's less unbearable than devaluing the other person because they blame them entirely for what's happened.
"That kind of thing can happen in situations such as where a child's abused by someone responsible for actually making sure they survive, and being really angry with that person and having a complete loss of trust in them when they're fully dependent on them might be really scary, because there won't be much they can do to get out of the situation, and their anger could make things worse for them, so they can dwell on how much their own behaviour contributed to the abuse, such as when a child who gets sexually abused thinks they must be partly responsible because they haven't been resisting or haven't told anyone, forgetting the reasons why they haven't, such as that the abuser's a lot stronger than them. Or they might even think they must have brought it on themselves at first, because they were doing their best to get their father's attention, or for some other reason, when in reality, whatever they did didn't justify it.
"Abusers can try their best to convince the people they're abusing that it was their fault anyway. And little children will often automatically believe what authority figures say, because they know they know a lot more about most things than they do, so they can just assume they're right. And abusers often threaten the children they're abusing with bad consequences if they tell anyone; so it's no wonder when they don't.
"So it can help a person to work out what was really their fault, and what was really the fault of the person responsible for abusing them, or doing whatever else they're trying to forgive, as well as thinking about how much of what happened was to do with circumstances that were really beyond anyone's control, such as if someone was driving a car and there was an accident where some people in the car got hurt, and the driver feels really guilty about it, when really, it was partly another person's bad driving that caused it, or just a brief lapse of concentration they had on the spur of the moment due to tiredness or a sudden distraction that they didn't foresee would lead to an accident.
"In the case of someone who's been sexually abused and blames themselves, because, for instance, their abuser insisted that they were being flirty and giving them come-on signals, by, maybe, doing handstands that made their skirt fall over their head so it showed their knickers, or playing with make-up, innocently pretending to be an older girl going out for the evening, it can help if they ask themselves whether they'd blame a child who was the age they were when they were abused for being abused themselves. They might be horrified at the idea that they could think it was the child's fault; so they'll come to realise they can't blame themselves for what their abuser did either.
"The author recommends that if people think it'll help to clarify things in their minds, in one of their journal entries, they could make a heading that says something like, 'Am I guilty of some kind of wrongdoing towards the person who hurt me?', and then they write down on the left hand side of the page descriptions of when they thought they were being unfair; and then on the right of each description, they write about whether they really were doing things they can be blamed for, and if so, why, or whether what they did was reasonable under the circumstances, and if so, why it was.
"When they've finished, the author recommends that they read through what they've written, to work out which are the things they genuinely do deserve to feel guilty about. They might realise they're feeling guilty for some things that weren't their fault after all, so that'll relieve a burden on them.
"Then he recommends that they rate each thing they've decided they do deserve to feel guilty about on a scale of one to ten, with one signifying that the offence they committed wasn't all that bad so they don't deserve to feel all that guilty at all, and ten being that it was really terrible. The number of ratings they give themselves for bad things they've done will be a good guide to the amount of times they do things that they can genuinely fault themselves for. But the ratings will give them some pause for reflection on the seriousness of what they've done: One rating of ten might show they're more at fault, - so any strong guilt they have is more justified, - than if they have about five ratings of one instead, which might indicate that they often do minor kinds of wrongdoing, but that they don't really need to feel all that guilty for them.
"But their ratings in general might help them realise what kinds of patterns they have of offending people, for instance if they often get more angry over certain kinds of things than is fair to people, because certain things they do trigger off thoughts of things that made them angry in the past, and the anger over those plus the anger they have with the person who said or did the latest thing that's made them angry makes the anger worse than is fair, for example if every time a person criticises them for something, it instinctively reminds them of some unfair criticism they received as a child from some old scumbag who was always calling them names and putting them down for every little thing they did that they didn't like, so they got to be especially sensitive to being criticised by anyone, because it started triggering off the old annoyed feelings they used to feel when they got criticised by the obnoxious person who was always criticising them whether it was fair or not, and that often makes them over-react to criticisms in the present day.
"The author says that once a person has clarified in their minds how much of their guilt is genuinely justified, then if some of it is, they could contemplate apologising to the person or people they've offended, and making amends in some way; or if those people aren't around any more, or would be risky to speak to at all, and the guilt of the person trying to forgive is actually troubling them, they could think about confiding in someone else, even a professional.
"But even if a person's behaviour towards someone who offended or upset them was bad, it doesn't excuse the other person's behaviour, if they themselves behaved badly, so forgiving them might still be in order.
"I suppose that if someone's trying to forgive someone who did them serious harm, they might be a bit frustrated by all this talk of guilt. But the book's meant for people with all kinds of levels of need to forgive; so hopefully they can get something out of it anyway, even if some sections don't apply to them."
Becky carried on, "Anyway, the author goes on to recommend that people think about how their anger's affecting their lives; he says it can actually cause physical problems, like tension headaches, and even feelings of nausea. And if most of a person's energy's going towards brooding on what's been making them angry, they'll have a lot less energy available for making their lives worth living at the present time. They might end up tired, and it might be harder to concentrate on working, as well as doing other things that would make them think their lives are worthwhile. They might try remedies for their feelings of tiredness, but they might not work, because the root cause isn't being dealt with, especially if the problem's made worse because emotions such as anger and upset stop them sleeping at night, so they're likely to have problems with sleepiness the next day when they're trying to get on with things.
"The author says there was a teacher called Anthony who missed out on a promotion that he really thought he ought to have got, and he blamed the school principal for not giving it to him, and would angrily brood on it when he went to bed, fantasising about getting revenge in various ways. He thought that would be a good way of letting out his anger. But the more he thought about it, the more angry he got, till he would often think about how he'd like to punch the man and knock him out. Not exactly restful bedtime activity! He thought fantasising about doing that would be a good way of getting his anger off his chest. But his anger got worse the more he fantasised about it. So it didn't do his ability to sleep any good, apart from anything else. And sleep deprivation over time can cause mental health problems. People really do need good sleep to refresh them.
"The man eventually managed to forgive the headmaster, realising he'd been under a lot of stress, partly because he was worried about keeping his own job at a time of budget cutbacks. He said there was even a piece in the local paper about him that criticised him, accusing him of not being a strong leader. So Anthony wondered if the tactless way he'd refused to give him a promotion was his way of trying to prove to himself that he was strong after all. Anthony still disapproved of the way he'd gone about it, but came to think of it as more understandable. He started thinking of him as just a human, who, like everyone, is prone to making mistakes; and he even started sympathising with him because of all the worry he must have been experiencing because he was scared he might lose his own job, and didn't want to be seen to make a wrong decision about who he promoted.
"Eventually, Anthony was able to forgive the principal, and even genuinely thank him and appreciate him for the support he'd given him over some of the projects he'd been involved in; and he was able to genuinely wish the principal well for the future when he retired. He found out that the principal took an interest in how well he was doing at teaching the children he was responsible for teaching, and he thought that was nice.
"The author recommends that in people's forgiveness journals, they reflect on how much energy that they could otherwise use for things they'd like to do is being used up on feeling angry and thinking angry thoughts about people, or just one person. And he asks people to think about how much energy is being used for things that are really defence mechanisms to protect them from any accountability they might otherwise realise they have for their own actions, such as if they blame other people for some things that happened, which can sometimes be a way of helping people avoid thinking about whether there might really be understandable reasons why the other people behaved the way they did, such as if they were just reacting to provocation from them, or whether their behaviour was understandable for some other reason.
"He asks people to think about whether they might be using a defence mechanism that's causing their anger for some other reason; and he recommends people think about how much energy's being used up on other kinds of negative thinking, when it could be used to work on things that could actually increase the person's quality of life if it wasn't being used up on all the brooding they're doing about things that are upsetting them. He asks people to imagine they have ten units of energy to spare a day, and they could have more available for living if they weren't using up some of them on feeling angry or upset with people; he asks them to calculate how many are being lost to the process of feeling angry and thinking angry or upset thoughts about the person they're trying to forgive, even if the thoughts and feelings don't seem to be entirely within their control, such as if the person who did them wrong appears in their dreams, and they wake up feeling upset.
"The author says that people can obsess over what seriously upset them for years and years and years, thinking of it lots of times throughout the day, maybe talking about it a lot over time too, with it never feeling less upsetting. All the while, it's damaging their quality of life. So he recommends that one day, they carry their journal with them everywhere they go, to help them realise just how many times they think about what happened in a day, by making a note in it every time they start brooding on what the offender did to upset them, or thinking about the person who did them some harm, ending the journal entry the next morning, in case they dream about it too. They can write down what time of day they thought about it, what they were doing at the time, and what kind of thoughts they had.
"He recommends that after that, they look back over what they've written, and try to determine if there are any patterns to their thoughts, such as if they're especially brought on by particular situations they're put in, such as if the controlling behaviour of a boss they've got sparks off thoughts about a parent who was unbearably controlling, or whatever it might be. It could even just be the kind of activity the person would often do with the person who upset them a lot, for instance if seeing people eating certain things for lunch reminds them of the person who upset them, because that person enjoyed eating those things, or if going to the park with friends brings to mind times when they went to the park with an abuser, so they end up feeling angry and upset there, because they're reminded of the abuser.
"If there are certain situations that spark off thoughts of the person who originally caused the anger and upset, the offences they committed that are brought to mind might be ones that it's especially worth a person trying to forgive, so they stop playing on their minds so much.
"Or the situations that remind them of the offences might be situations where it's especially worth trying to bring to mind the kind of thoughts that might make them feel a bit more forgiving, to counteract their thoughts about how upsetting what happened was, in the hope that it soothes them, for instance if an abuser did at least do some good things, or if the person's done various things that have helped them get over the trauma they felt, so they realise they could bring those things to mind when thoughts of the abuse upset them, or when they know they're in situations where that might start happening.
"The more aggressive the thoughts are towards the person who caused the upset, the more forgiving them might be worthwhile, since the thoughts might be ruining the quality of life of the one trying to forgive more than they would be if they weren't so intense. And the more the person thinks about and feels upset about the person who upset them, the more it might mean it's depleting their energy stores, so it's ridding them of energy they could otherwise use for making their future better.
"So it's worth them looking at their journal entries for the day they've chosen to monitor their thoughts on, so as to contemplate how often they're thinking about the person who upset them compared to thinking about other things."
Becky looked around, and saw that everyone still seemed to be awake. Pleased, and a bit surprised, she carried on, "It isn't just anger at the past that can cause the hurt feelings, but other things too, such as thinking about how much better off the offender is than the person who they harmed, such as if the offender's free to go about their business, while the person they harmed was hurt so badly by them physically that they've become disabled, or their mental health has suffered so much that they never feel free to just enjoy life, because they're always feeling anxious or over-cautious about doing anything in case they come to some kind of harm. Or it could just be that the offender has got a great job making lots of money and has lots of friends, while the one they hurt has never been able to succeed at life well, perhaps because they were so badly affected while they were growing up that they could never put all their efforts into succeeding at school, so they never got the grades they needed to get a good job afterwards. Or it might simply be that regardless of anything else that happened, the offender's doing much better in life than they are.
"The author says it might help people to wonder if the offender isn't as well-off as they imagine they are, such as if it's possible that they're always worried that they'll be found out, thinking that then they'll lose their reputation in the community, or if they might be weighed down by guilt about what they did. It's possible that their lives aren't as good as the person they harmed thinks they are.
"The author says it's also possible that some people have exaggerated views of the consequences of the offences that were committed against them, perhaps because of the way depression or anxiety makes them feel as if things are worse than they really are; and that might be influencing their feelings about how hard it'll be to forgive a person who did them harm, such as if they think it'll simply be impossible for them to ever be happy again in life, when it might be really. Or they might assume that they're going to feel worthless forever because of the disrespect the offender obviously had for them and the way they made them feel about themselves, when really, there are things they could do that could really boost their feelings of self-worth, such as if they do things that will make them feel as if they're giving things of value to their communities, like helping people in need, or maybe other things.
"The feelings the offender caused don't necessarily have to be permanent; there might be a fair bit a person can do to change the way they've been made to think about themselves, and so on. Depression and other mental states can make people feel worse about things and think they're more catastrophic than they have to be.
"The author recommends that people make a journal entry where they start by comparing one of their disadvantages with one of the advantages they think the person who harmed them has, and then they really think about things to see if they're really as clear-cut as they've been thinking they are. Then they could think of another one of their disadvantages as compared with one of the offender's advantages, and then think about whether they can be sure it's really as straightforward as they've been assuming; and then they can keep going like that, till they've thought of all the comparisons they can come up with.
"For instance, the offender might have a lot more friends than they have, because the offences they committed against them have made them wary of people so they've become a bit reclusive, but they get lonely sometimes; but what if the offender's so-called friends are all alcoholics who only really befriend them as long as they buy them drinks, or if they contribute to keeping them involved in lifestyles that might eventually kill them, such as if they only meet down the pub, where all their drinking's contributing to them developing health problems?
"Then the person trying to forgive can think about all the ways the offender might be worse off than them because of what they did, such as if it's possible that they feel guilty, or worried that the police will come after them one day, or if they've lost their reputation in the community or in their family because other people know and talk about what they did.
"I think the idea is that after the person trying to forgive has done that, if they've thought of ways the offender might actually be worse off than them, it might turn out to be easier to forgive them than it would have been otherwise, when they give it a go."
Becky was pleased she hadn't made any mistakes, such as stumbling over her words, up to that point. Encouraged, she carried on,
"On the other hand, the author says that sometimes, the full extent of a problem caused by what an offender did isn't realised by their victim at first, such as if they end up in hospital, and at first they expect to get better, so they try to forgive the person who hurt them just for causing their injuries, but after a while a doctor tells them that an injury they received has affected them permanently, such as if a car accident caused by a drunken driver has meant they'll be permanently unable to walk; so they might have gone through the forgiveness process, only to get angry all over again when they realise things are more serious than they hoped, and they realise they'll have to forgive them for more things if they still want to forgive them, because they think they'll have to forgive the person for a future life of being unable to walk, when they at first thought they had to forgive them for causing the injury and the pain involved in getting better, which was bad, but not as bad as what ended up happening.
"That's just one example of all kinds of things that can happen that turn out to be even more serious than they seemed at first.
"Sometimes, people might have to go through a grieving process to mourn what they've lost before they can forgive, especially if it's something they'll never be able to get back.
"The author recommends that people think about whether that might be true for them, and write about how a permanent loss in their lives has affected them, to get their feelings about it off their chests. They can go through their losses one at a time, knowing that after they've got their feelings out of their systems, it might become easier to forgive in the end. They might not feel at all like forgiving the people who caused the problems while they're writing about them; but after a while, when they've come to terms with what happened more and their grief is reducing, they might start thinking forgiveness is an option.
"Then the author recommends that people think about whether their view of the world has been changed by what happened to them, such as if they were once optimistic about what they could achieve in life, and thought of people around them as mostly good, but since the offence that was committed against them, they've become a lot more distrustful of people, and timid about going out and doing things, and that's really affected their quality of life in a bad way. Or if the offences that were committed against them were committed by a man, for instance, they might not feel comfortable around any man, so they don't hold out any hope of ever getting into a relationship they feel comfortable in.
"Or a person's opinion of people's behaviour and even the world might have been directly shaped by someone else in their lives who had the same opinion, such as if a child growing up had a parent who was always critical of them and other people for the slightest thing, and they learned to criticise themselves and feel hopeless whenever they made the tiniest mistake, and to feel critical and intolerant of others for every little imperfection too, because they came to treat it with more seriousness than a lot of other people would.
"Feelings like that might fade on their own after a while; but not always. Forgiving people who did the things that caused the negative views of the world and the people in it can result in the views changing, when people realise that they only came on because of what happened, and that they don't have to take the words and actions of other people to mean that that's how things really are or should be.
"In some ways though, a new view of the world can sometimes be more realistic after a person's suffered harm, such as if a person was once optimistic that everyone's good deep down, but after they were made to suffer, they became convinced that isn't true at all. But still, forgiving can soften overly-negative views of the world, allowing people to recognise goodness in some people for what it is, when they might have always suspected that people had ulterior motives for doing nice things before.
"The author recommends that people write some paragraphs in their journal about how their opinion of the world has changed as a result of what happened to them - what it was like before, and what it came to be like afterwards. They can ask themselves questions to help them think of things in detail, such as, 'What did I think about what people are like before what happened, and how have my views of people in general changed as a result of it?' 'What kind of person was I before it happened, and what kind of person am I now?' 'How could I change for the better?'
"That might help people to clarify how much of their view of other people and the world has been reached as a result of reasonable thinking, and how much is just a result of the influence of people who probably weren't thinking reasonably a lot of the time at all, but just behaving according to habit or something.
"He says that other questions worth considering and writing answers to might be:
"'What ideas did I used to have about what my purpose in life was, and what do I think it is now, after what happened?'
'What did I used to think about the reasons why there's suffering in the world, and how have my views changed now?'
'What do I think would be the best way of easing suffering?'
'What did I used to believe about the life chances of ordinary people in the world, and what do I think now?'
"He says that if a person realises their worldview's become more pessimistic as a result of what happened to them, they'll know the offense or offences had even more of an effect on them than they might have thought. But it's possible that their view of the world and the way things are could change for the better once they've released the hurt they feel because of what was done to them, so it stops affecting them badly, when they forgive the person who harmed them. If there worldview has become more optimistic as a result of the offence though, for some reason, they can ask themselves if what happened strengthened them in some way in the end, such as if they now have more feeling for other people who suffer, so they can give them solace by being more sympathetic to them than they might have been otherwise, when they wouldn't have had so much understanding of the way they might feel.
"Before people actually start the process of forgiving, the author recommends that people answer a few last questions in their journal, such as:
"'Do I feel anger whenever I think about what happened?'
'Is my anger still intense months or years after what happened?'
'Is feeling angry so often making me feel sick and tired?'
'Am I always thinking about the offender and what they did?'
'Has what happened changed my life for the worse?'
"He says that if people realise the full impact of what happened on the whole of their lives, they're more likely to be motivated to forgive the offender, as a way of changing things so as to improve their quality of life.
"He says that a lot of people might be undecided as to whether to forgive people who hurt them, or they might not believe it's possible; but he says forgiveness is an act of the will, rather than being to do with whether people's feelings make them feel like it or not. If some people think about it and realise that apart from anything else, it will improve their mental health, especially if constant anger, thoughts of revenge and other ways they've been trying to cope have just been making them miserable, so forgiving will release them from all the emotional turmoil that things like that have caused, then they might decide it'll be worth giving it a go, even if they don't really feel like it.
"He recommends that people describe what their emotional state is in their journals, if it was partly caused by what happened to them, such as if the offences that were committed against them caused them to always be miserable. Then he asks them to think about the ways they've tried to make themselves feel better in the past, and how effective those ways were, for instance if they've often had angry thoughts and fantasies about hurting the person who caused the problems. He recommends that people rate their attempted solutions for what happened to them on a scale of one to ten, with one being a really ineffective solution, and ten being something that worked really well.
"Then he advises people to think about the solutions they've tried, to ask themselves if they've worked well, or whether it might be time to try something else, like forgiveness.
"I don't think he really explains what good he thinks that'll do! But I suppose that if anyone's started working through the forgiveness process even though they're not convinced it'll work, for some reason, it might help convince them that it's worth giving forgiveness a try, to see if it works better than other things they've tried to help them improve their mental health.
"Anyway, he says that sometimes, people might need to change their views of the world to enable them to forgive, for instance if they've grown to have the attitude that forgiveness is a sign of weakness and it's like letting an offender off the hook, so they've come to believe it's immoral.
"I don't know why the author imagines that a person like that would think it's worth even reading his forgiveness book, but still!
"He says that sometimes, a person's refusal to forgive someone has to do with the way they were influenced by family members as they were growing up, who thought forgiveness is a bad thing; so people can refuse to forgive, even when it's spoiling their quality of life, and they think it's just natural that they shouldn't forgive, because they've just learned to think that way, when really, they don't fully realise it, but they're thinking that way just because of the way the attitudes of family members rubbed off on them as they were growing up."
Becky stopped talking for a few seconds and looked around, and saw a few students who seemed to be drifting off to sleep, again. She joked, "Hey! Some people seem to be falling asleep ... again! Like I said before, if you carry on, I might have to use this book's forgiveness process to forgive you! If everyone falls asleep and starts snoring, I'll be disappointed, because I'll think it was a waste of time! Not to mention I might have to block my ears because of all the noise! And what if people walking past outside hear you! They might wonder what on earth is going on in here!"
Again, the students who'd been drifting off to sleep sat up straight, looking sheepish. Some other students giggled.
Then Becky carried on, "Anyway, here's a story that might keep you awake, for a little while at least: the author of this book says he knows of a man who refused to forgive the man who'd married his daughter after they got divorced, blaming him for causing trouble in her life, even after that man and his daughter made peace with each other, realising they'd both been at fault. It turned out that the daughter's father had grown up being taught that the honourable thing to do was never to forgive.
"Even when his daughter told him he ought to forgive her ex-husband, he got angry and said she had no right to tell him to do that. And when her children were around him and mentioned their dad, he got angry, so they learned that it was better not to mention him in front of him. His daughter didn't like that. She wanted her children to feel free to talk about their dad. So because the man reacted the way he did whenever the children mentioned their dad, she decided to stop visiting him with the children for a while, because she didn't want them to get the idea that hating their dad was a good thing to do.
"The man who couldn't forgive the children's dad would have had to make a deliberate decision to reject what he'd been taught all through his childhood about how it was dishonourable to forgive to actually be able to forgive his daughter's ex-husband. It would have been to his own advantage if he had, partly because letting go of his anger towards him would have made him happier."
Becky was getting a bit tired of standing still. She'd like to have gone for a walk to stretch her legs, but thought she'd better not, since that would disrupt her lecture a bit. So she just continued, "The author recommends that people write another journal entry, where they're imagining they're writing all about their attitude to forgiveness to someone who doesn't know anything about them or their attitudes, explaining what they think about it, the reasons why, and how they got to think the way they do. It might involve them actually trying to work it out for themselves, like determining how much of their attitude is their own opinion, and how much came about because of the influence of other people's opinions over time. They could write about why the attitudes they hold are important to them, and whether, after thinking about it, any of them get in the way of them forgiving and improving their quality of life by stopping them from being able to let go of anger and other hurt feelings, or if any of them improve their quality of life.
"He says the idea is that it'll help people realise the strengths and weaknesses of their belief systems, and what might be getting in the way of them being willing to forgive, that it would help to change.
"He recommends that people include explanations of how they feel about such things as compassion, patience and understanding, like when they believe those things are good things and when they're not. Then they can ask themselves if what they believe is really the best belief system they could have, or if some of their beliefs have been taken for granted but it would be good to modify them a bit.
"Once people have worked out whether their beliefs have really been working for them or not, if they've found that some of the beliefs they've developed over the years have actually got in the way of their happiness, they might want to change them and try something new, like forgiving.
"After all those things, the author recommends that people write down in their journals a definition of exactly what forgiveness is, and what it isn't, as far as they understand it, so they're sure about exactly what they'll be required to do if they do forgive.
"To clarify, people can write about the differences between forgiving, excusing, pardoning and condoning, so they feel clearer about what they're not being asked to do. Condoning is taking on the attitude that what the offender did was OK really. Excusing is taking on the attitude that everything they did was understandable and justifiable. Pardoning is deciding not to hold them accountable for what they've done. But forgiving is taking the attitude that the person did wrong and was responsible for causing problems an upset, but that the person doing the forgiving will let go of the feelings of anger and hurt if they can despite that, even developing an attitude of goodwill towards the offender, such as by wishing for them to change and become a better person, instead of wishing for them to die horribly or something.
"The author says there was a woman, a mother of three children, who suffered from chronic anxiety, and as soon as she even woke up in the mornings, she would feel a tension in the back of her neck, probably caused by the anxiety. When she got up, she would feel unsafe, as if she wanted to run away from where she was. She behaved in ways that made life harder for her family, including sometimes having mood swings. She knew that, so she started worrying that her husband would leave her and take the children away.
"She tried going for counselling with lots of different therapists, but none of them could help, until she found one who explained in their first session that he often recommended that people forgive people who'd upset them, so as to help them heal emotionally from what happened to them. He did that with her. She was confused at first, because she wondered what forgiving could have to do with neck tension and feeling unsafe. But the counsellor explained that sometimes, tension like that could come on as a consequence of deep-rooted subconscious anger with a family member, either because of something happening in the present time, or something in the past. They had more counselling sessions, and the woman came to realise she was really angry with her parents, who'd been short-tempered, unloving and insensitive while she was growing up.
"But at first, the woman hated the idea of forgiving them, and refused. She thought she'd prefer to hold onto her anger. And she'd become angry with the counsellor when he first suggested forgiveness too. She decided to work off her anger towards him by going for a jog in the woods at the end of their first counselling session.
"But after an hour of jogging, maybe partly because she was hyped up with endorphins because of all the exercise, and was maybe an impulsive person to begin with, she decided on the spot that she'd forgive her parents after all, and said out loud in the woods that she forgave them. Almost immediately, she felt a feeling of freedom.
"That wasn't the end of things though. It took another three years of counselling, with more and more instances of abusive behaviour by the parents being brought up to be forgiven, which was often an upsetting process, before the woman was completely free of the anger and had forgiven them entirely. The counsellor later admitted that if he'd known just how abusive her parents had been, he wouldn't have asked her to forgive them.
"But she was glad she'd forgiven them, because she felt better and better the more she did. And afterwards, her anxiety was much less severe. Occasionally it came back, but not that often. And she had some family crises that she handled well and calmly, which showed she was a lot less anxious than she'd been before. And her marriage was still strong as time went on.
"The author says people need to be patient and allow the forgiveness process to take as long as it's destined to take, instead of trying to rush it, since serious hurts are unlikely to be easy to forgive just like that."
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