By Diana Holbourn
Becky Gives Advice on the Radio Station she Works at and a Lecture at her Old University, and is Invited to Work on a Television Documentary
Book seven of the online Becky Bexley series. Chapter 1 continued.
This series accompanies the books about what Becky does at university and afterwards, which you can find out more about on my author website. (The online series is in draft form.)
(To recap: At the end of the previous page, Becky repeats a story the author of the forgiveness book tells about someone who found it hard to forgive her parents for some time for having been abusive to her, but was glad she did after she had, and says he advises that people shouldn't try to rush forgiveness, since serious wrongs will naturally take a while to get over.)
Becky noticed a bit of heightened interest from some of the students when she told people's stories. She was pleased she would have a few more to tell before the end of her lecture.
She carried on, "He says one thing forgiveness involves is giving up thinking about committing even the more minor kinds of revenge, such as complaining to other people about what the offender did, or trying to make them feel bad about it themselves. He says some people read something about forgiving and get fired up with enthusiasm to give it a go, and then pour out a list of complaints to the person who upset them about the way they've behaved over the years, and at the end of it say they forgive them. But it can come across - and might actually often be motivated by - a wish to feel morally superior to the offender as a way of getting revenge on them, because it'll look as if the offender's behaviour's been bad and the person forgiving them has made an effort to forgive them out of the kindness of their heart, which must surely mean they're a better person than them.
"It's fair enough to talk about what happened if it's a way of getting feelings out of the system in the hope that it'll help with the healing process; but if it's motivated by any kind of desire to get back at the offender, it'll be a form of revenge, which is kind of the opposite of forgiveness.
"One problem with revenge is that things often don't stop there; the person on the receiving end's going to get angry or upset, and might start plotting revenge for what's just been done to them; and if they take revenge, it can just lead to worse and worse problems, with each person wanting revenge on the other for what they've just done.
"The author recommends that in people's forgiveness journals, they discuss with themselves how they might be tempted to get some kind of revenge on people who hurt them by complaining about what they did, but that it might impede their forgiveness. They could think of it as a kind of debate where one side of themselves puts the case for doing it, and another side argues that there are more advantages to not doing it, when it comes to what gets people closer to forgiving the offender.
"If they would still prefer to do it, the author suggests they postpone their attempts to forgive for a while till they feel less like getting revenge in that way, so when they decide to have a go at forgiving again, it might be easier, because they're not so tempted to do that.
"When they start the process again, the author recommends that they think of ways they might have actually been unkind to the offender in the past, and think about whether they're willing to stop those behaviours. If they do decide to stop them, he says it's a decent step on the way to forgiving."
Becky carried on, "He says that one thing that can hinder people's ability to forgive is that naturally enough, when they think of the person who hurt them, the main things in their mind will likely be what the person did, and what kind of person they are. But it can help with the forgiveness process if they have a think about other things too, such as what kind of upbringing the person had, and other things that happened to them in life, that might have turned them into the person they were when they committed the offences.
"That doesn't mean the offences can be excused, since after all, people ought to take responsibility for their actions. But it does mean that maybe some things the offender did can be understood better than they could be otherwise, for instance if a violent man grew up in a violent household, where he came to think of violence as just a natural way of reacting to stressful things, or to control naughty children, so he came to think it was just natural to use violence himself.
"The author recommends that people try to imagine what it must have been like for the person who did them harm when they themselves were a child, having to cope with whatever they had to cope with. They might have sometimes talked a bit about it, or other people might have talked about it. So it might not be too hard to imagine what it must have been like for them. The author recommends that people write about what happened to the person in a way that helps them really imagine what it was like to have been them, thinking about such things as whether they might have sometimes been frightened or confused, whether they must have sometimes cried, and whether they must have been very hurt by some things. He recommends that people write about three or four incidents from the offender's childhood, if they know about that many, that show how they must have been hurt, when they were less able to defend themselves than they are now.
"Then he advises that people try to imagine what the offender might have been feeling and thinking at the time when they committed the offense or offences against them, such as if they were under a lot of stress and pressure, so they probably weren't thinking calmly; and if that was the case, the person trying to forgive could think about what was causing their stress.
"That still doesn't excuse what they did to cause harm, but it might make it easier to understand why they felt like doing what they did.
"Or thinking about the way some conditions in an offender's childhood might have made them more likely to behave the way they did can help, because it can partly explain why they became the kind of person who wanted to do the things they did. The offender might sometimes have said things about their past that make it easier to imagine, or there might have been other ways some details were found out.
"The kinds of ways some offenders' behaviour can have been partly brought on by things that happened in their own childhoods can include such things as if one of an offender's parents often had violent fits of temper, and their parents were easily stressed, and that meant the offender never learned how to control their own temper, because they never had someone providing them with a good example of how to do that, but instead they got into the habit of becoming stressed at little things because stress reactions became a habit for them, because their parents were so often doing things that made them stressed, or getting stressed themselves, that feeling stressed began to be automatic for them as they picked up their parents' attitudes and were a victim of them; and their stress reactions were so often fired off by the reactions of their parents that they were often very stressed, so it didn't take much more to send their stress reactions into overdrive and make them lose their tempers themselves, and they just got into the habit of always being like that. Or something like that.
"The author says there was a woman who worked for some time as a volunteer for a non-profit peace organisation in a South-East Asian country, repairing the houses of poor people. She spent lots and lots of time doing hard physical labour to make them fit to live in. But then one night, a band of rebels from a nearby community stole the belongings of the poor people she'd been helping and burned their houses, escaping into the night.
"She was angry and very upset that all her hard work had been ruined, and especially angry when she saw how upset the poor people she'd been trying to help were.
"She didn't feel like forgiving the rebels at all at first because she was so angry and upset. But over time, although it was very hard, she did manage to. Part of the process involved her wondering what the childhoods and upbringings of the rebels had been like, and what current situations might have motivated them to behave the way they did, such as if they'd been stirred up with hatred against the people of the community she'd been helping by their leaders, for some reason, too uneducated to see through any lies they told. She'd never met any of them, and didn't know about their lives. But she started wondering if they'd often been ill-treated while they were growing up, getting into the habit of using violence to get what they wanted because that was what people around them often did, with their dreams about what kind of lives they'd like to have led snuffed out by their situations, or if they'd grown up being taught to be warlike, when if their situations had only been better, they could have grown up to be well-educated and decent, with good-quality lives that made them happy.
"Thinking about those things didn't make her feel any better about what the rebels had done. But she came to think of them as more needy and disadvantaged than the people she'd been helping in various ways, stunted in their development twoards becoming decent members of society, deprived of whatever would have turned them into good and worthwhile humans. So although she still thought what they'd done had been wrong, she eventually developed some pity for them that enabled her to forgive them.
"The author says it's possible that some people think of the offender who hurt them merely as the kind of person who liked to do what they did to hurt them, but that it might help to think about and write about all the other aspects there are to their personalities and the things they do in life, as far as they know about them. So, for instance, I suppose it might sometimes be the case that a paedophile might have done some horrible things, but still cared, for some reason, about looking after his wife especially well when she was ill.
"The author recommends that people write an actual story about the person they're trying to forgive, that includes things like what things were like for them when they were growing up, as far as the person trying to forgive knows, what life was like for them at the time when they committed the offence, whether there were good and decent parts of their relationship with the offender besides the bad ones, and what kind of person they are as a whole.
"He says the woman he mentions at the beginning of his book, Mary Ann, found it easier to forgive her own mum for her constant unfair criticism after she thought about what it had been like for her growing up: She herself had been criticised a lot by her own mother, who had never thought anything she did was good enough, and who had been harshly criticised herself a lot by her husband's family. It seemed that unfair criticism and anger went down the generations. Each generation took out their feelings on the next, it seemed, partly because it was less unacceptable-seeming than it would have been to take anger out on their parents and other elder family members who criticised them harshly. Part of the reason Mary Ann's mother had so often belittled her and her sisters might also have been because her own mother criticised her children to her so much that she might have been angry with her children for causing whatever things made her own mother tell her so often that they were doing things that needed to be criticised harshly, so she wanted to make them stop.
"Other people have found it helpful to write about what things must have been like for the person they're trying to forgive too. One man who found out that his dead mother had had lots of affairs when she was alive and his dad had kept it quiet from all the children while they were growing up at first thought his dad must be unforgivably weak for having tolerated it all that time, and thought badly of him for having kept it quiet from them all that time; but after a while, he came to think of him as really strong instead, for being able to put up with it for the sake of raising the children in a peaceful environment, who would feel secure as they were growing up, having good feelings about their mum, instead of hating her the way they might have done if they'd known what she'd been up to sooner. When he tried to understand his dad's point of view more, - the way he'd kept quiet for the sake of protecting the children, - he started sympathising with him, and found it a lot easier to forgive him for not saying anything about what he knew sooner.
"Sometimes, it can help to think about what an offender was going through at the time they committed the offence or offences, such as in some cases where a child who grew up feeling unloved and neglected thinks about how their mother was really depressed and had other mental problems all that time so she can't have felt equipped to care for her children well, especially if she was stressed because her husband needed a lot of looking after because he was ill, or for other reasons. They might conclude that she did better than they've always thought she did, given the circumstances she was coping with, which would include what kind of person her childhood had shaped her into."
Becky continued, "Then the book recommends that people think about and write down at least three incidents they can think of of when the offender was actually nice to them, or when they had good times with them, or when they showed strength of character or made some good or thoughtful decisions. Maybe some people will be able to think of whole episodes in their lives when things were going well, and when they got on quite well with the person who upset them, or even when they enjoyed things together. Writing about that kind of thing might help them get things in perspective, so the offences aren't the only things they think about in future when they think about the person who did the things that made them angry or upset, or whatever they did.
"That doesn't mean they ought to think of the good or decent times as making up in some way for the bad things, or that the nasty things they did shouldn't matter as much, or anything like that; it just means that as well as thinking about the bad things they did, they try to think of their whole personality, so they can think of them as more than just the offences they committed, so it's possible that their good as well as their bad points will come to mind in the future when thoughts of them intrude into the brain, so the feelings of the one trying to forgive might be soothed a bit by the memories that remind them that at least there were some good times or good things about them.
"So it might help people trying to forgive to write a kind of story about their history with the offender, that includes as many of the good times or decent times as they can easily remember.
"Then the author asks people to think about the offender's impact on the community around them over the years, like whether it's been all bad, or whether they've done some good in some ways. Some people who've decided to try to forgive might have been thinking it would be better if the offender could just be vaporised so they no longer existed or something. But maybe thinking of their impact on other people around them, and whether they have contributed in any worthwhile way to society, will make them think that maybe the person deserves to exist after all. Not necessarily; but sometimes they might."
Becky carried on, "Then the author asks anyone who follows a religion to think about what that would teach about how forgivable the person is; for instance, Christianity teaches that God thinks that just about all offences are forgivable if the offender starts wanting forgiveness for them and changes their ways so as not to commit such offences again, and that they can then go on to be considered to be God's children who are capable of living good lives from then on, and eventually being accepted into heaven. It's possible that thinking of how the God they follow thinks of the person's potential to be transformed into a good person who can go on to live a valuable life and be forgiven if they decide they'd like to change their ways will help some people think of them in a new light and make it easier for them to forgive them. And if they believe God longs for the offender to change their ways so he can forgive them and show mercy to them, they might start wondering if they should start thinking of the person as forgivable and capable of living a better life too.
"The author asks people to think about whether they think it's possible that they'll meet the offender in the after-life. If they think they just might, he asks what they would say to the person if they did meet them, and how they think they could smooth things over with them while they're on earth so there aren't problems between them if they do meet them.
"He says a lot of people who follow a religion like Christianity believe they need God's help to become more like him and be better people, and to do such things as forgiving others. So he asks people who believe that to think about whether they want to pray for that help to forgive the wrongdoers in their lives.
"Then he asks people to think and look back over what they've written about the life of the person they're trying to forgive and how they might be thought of by any God they follow, and think about whether their view of the person has changed as a result of what they've been thinking, and what would still have to happen to change their view of them enough to think of them as being more forgivable."
Becky continued, "He asks people to think about whether any positive feelings could be developing towards the offender as a result of making efforts to forgive them and trying to think of them in a new light, and trying to understand how they've been shaped by how they themselves have been treated and suffered in the past. It might even be possible for some people to start feeling some degree of caring towards the person, or feeling sorry for them because of things they've been through.
"It might sometimes take some time before even a hint of any positive feeling seems possible. But not necessarily.
"The author recommends that people write in their journals about what their feelings are towards the person they're trying to forgive, and then read back what they've written, to compare their current feelings with their feelings before they started the forgiveness process, to see if they've become less hostile, or even more understanding, than they were at first.
"He says that for anyone who still feels as angry with the offender as they did before they started the forgiveness process, it's possible that they're trying to forgive the wrong person first, because part of the anger they have towards them comes from the way that things they've done remind them of what someone else did who made them suffer some time before, who they're still just as angry with as they ever were; so that person's the one it would be best to try to forgive first, starting over again from the beginning with the forgiveness process.
"He recommends that people write about their feelings towards the offender for a few minutes every day for a week, since the feelings might change in various ways from day to day. He recommends that people think each day about whether their bad feelings are becoming less intense and they're having fewer of them, and whether they're even developing any positive feelings like understanding towards the person they're trying to forgive.
"He says people need to just let their feelings change on their own instead of trying to wish bad ones away or muster up good ones. The process can't be rushed.
"As well as people thinking about their feelings, he says they can rate the amount of compassion they have for the one they're trying to forgive on a scale of one to ten, with one being absolutely no feelings of compassion at all, to ten being a huge amount of it. They can write the number in their journals, and then do other ratings later on, to see if their ratings go up at all, which would mean they're progressing well with the forgiveness process.
"The book doesn't say what I'm about to say; but I think there must be some people who don't deserve any compassion at all, since no matter what a person's upbringing has been like, surely they still have to take responsibility for their actions. So I don't think people ought to blame themselves and think they must be incapable of forgiving properly, or anything like that, if they never feel any compassion for the person they're trying to forgive. Still, that's just my opinion. I think it's a good one though! Not that I'm an expert or anything, obviously! But I just don't think people ought to worry if they can't feel any compassion for the miserable scumbags who upset them. ... Sorry, that wasn't a very professional thing to say, was it! I'll carry on telling you what the book says now."
Becky carried on, "The author says the next stage in the forgiveness process is accepting the emotional pain that's been caused by the offences. That might help people come to terms with it, and even stop them feeling bad enough to take their feelings of anger and upset out on other people, such as by criticising them harshly, or even physically abusing them. It might even help them and other people in other ways, such as if they've become addicted to drugs to try to get rid of the pain, and then they've ended up stealing from people so they can sell their things to fund their addictions, or if when they're high on what they're addicted to, they have no feeling for other people, so they've hurt them with no qualms of conscience, because they haven't thought about how it might affect them. Or if they've become addicted to sex with new people as a way of making themselves feel better, they might stop feeling the need to have affairs that might have been upsetting their partners. That kind of thing.
"It seems that forgiving can be the responsible thing to do really, because sometimes people take their feelings of anger out on their children, so their children have a lot of anger, which they in turn go on to take out on their own children, and it can go down the generations like that. So maybe even centuries later, children can still be growing up suffering because of the anger people take out on them because they're so full of anger because of the way their own parents treated them, and because of the way they picked up their own parents' behaviour and came to behave that way by habit, thinking of it as just natural, because they didn't learn any other way of treating children.
"The author says that part of accepting the pain can involve grieving for all the days people lost to upset and pain because of what the offender did. They might have tried to suppress the hurt emotions before, denying to themselves how much they were affected by what happened, so they could go on with life without having to take a break because they would have become too upset to function well if they'd allowed themselves to feel too upset by their memories and thoughts about what happened, or so they could tolerate living in the same house as the offender. But once they do allow themselves to grieve for things like who they could have become if they hadn't been weighed down by all the anxiety and upset the offences were causing over time, that stopped them concentrating on achieving things, and all the days when they could have been happy if the offences hadn't happened, and things like that, though the hurt might be intense at first, the upset can slowly fade away; and once it's out of the system, they can feel a whole lot better than they did before.
"Accepting that the past was what it was can help people move on in hopes of a brighter future once they've grieved for what they went through and lost out on because of what happened. If they can spend a while just feeling the pain without trying to control it or analyse why the feelings are coming on, it can mean that although the feelings might be strong at first, they'll eventually fade away, so they'll be healed of the hurt for good, and end up in a better position than they were while it was always still there but they were making efforts to suppress it, or taking it out on other people.
"The author doesn't say what people ought to do if the upset feelings don't go away. Maybe they'll need therapy. But people do need to be careful who they choose to be their therapist, since not all therapy is good.
"But the author says that once people decide to accept the pain, they can discover that they're strong enough to handle it till it subsides. And once it does, their attitudes to people around them can change for the better, and they can stop feeling the need to take out their feelings on other people from then on, so forgiving is actually like giving a gift to the people around them, as well as stopping what happened ruining the person they are. So they can release anger and other bad feelings from their lives and go on to better things, which will improve their own quality of life. Accepting themselves for who they are, and resolving to try to make the most of their lives from then on instead of thinking over and over what happened in the past, can help people put their energies towards achieving things in the future. There will likely always be sadness and other bad feelings about what happened; but they probably won't dominate a person's thinking the way they might often have done before.
"The author recommends that in their journals, people write about what it feels like to try to just accept the pain that's been caused by what's happened to them in the past so they can think of it as something in the past and move on, including how easy it is to accept it. They can rate how hard it is, on a scale where one means it's extremely difficult, and ten means it's extremely easy. Later, they can rate it again, to see if it's become any easier.
"He recommends that anyone who has any spiritual beliefs and looks up to people from their religion who lived in more ancient times, or who knows of people they admire from history, could think about whether they know of any stories about people in the past they could think of as role models they could think of as inspiration to accept their suffering in the same way that those people managed to cope well with theirs.
"He recommends that people talk over that kind of thing with whoever they've chosen to be their confidante in their forgiveness process, discussing any issues that come up when they think about the idea of accepting the pain caused by what happened to them and then moving on from it towards a brighter future once it begins to fade, and confiding in them about how upsetting it is to just accept it, asking them if they have any encouraging words about how much progress they're making towards forgiving the offender, and how they can cope."
Then Becky said, "Then the author says that giving the offender some kind of gift can signify that people have really moved on from the hurt they felt before, and that thoughts of the offender are having less and less power to hurt them. He says it doesn't necessarily have to be a physical gift. Sometimes it'll be better never to contact the person ever again. But it could even just be the gift of giving up any grudges held against them, or the gift of giving up saying nasty things about the person behind their back. Sometimes, it could be the gift of time, for instance if a person's father's in a nursing home, and they're willing to spend time with them to try to reduce any loneliness they feel, or to help look after them in the time they have left before they die. Or it could be something like sending them a birthday card after years of not having anything to do with them.
"It might take some time before the bad feelings die down enough to make people willing to do anything like that. But some people are glad they ended up being able to get to the stage in the forgiveness process where they felt able to do something like that, reconciling with people before they died and the chance was lost.
"Sometimes when people let go of the old anxieties that made them reluctant to have much to do with the people who hurt them, it's enabled their relationship with them to become more friendly, such as where it's been easier for them to communicate with their parents in a friendly way in their parents' old age.
"The author says that if the person who committed the harmful actions is already dead, an act of forgiving could perhaps be to take flowers to their grave, or to say something good about them to other people, or to do something for members of their family in remembrance of them, or some other such thing.
"He says the gift doesn't have to be rushed; people could sometimes plan it for a time when they feel ready to forgive what the person did, maybe thinking it could be months later, when they think they might feel more like doing it.
"The gift can be like a symbol of the freedom from pain a person now feels. But it'll only be a genuine sign of forgiveness if it's good for the offender too, rather than a disguised way of getting revenge, such as if someone puts an obituary for a relative of theirs in the paper, which says they did some terrible things, but the person's been able to forgive them, which would be more about exposing the bad things they did than showing forgiveness towards them.
"It's also possible that the offender won't accept a gift that's offered to them, because they might still be angry at the part the person who's been working through the forgiveness process played in contributing to the breakdown of relations, or they might not know that it costs anything to give the gift, because they might not realise how much what they did upset the person who's been trying to forgive them. If the person suspects that something like that might happen, they could do something kind for the person without revealing that it's got anything to do with their forgiving them.
"In fact, the author says whatever kind of gift is given shouldn't be tied to an attempt at reconciliation, such as if it comes with a note that says, 'I forgive you for all the horrible things you did', unless the offender has specifically asked for forgiveness, and the person refused to forgive at first, so it signifies that they've had a change of heart.
"The author recommends that people write in their journals about what kind of gift they could give the offender, being specific, for instance writing down something practical, rather than having a vague idea that they're not sure how they could put into practice, such as being kinder to the person. They could maybe write down ideas for what kind of gift they could give, and then write down how they feel about the idea of giving the person each thing they think of, before coming to a decision about what kind of thing they would feel comfortable with giving, and which one would be good for the offender.
"He says the gift doesn't have to be a big one; it could even be just being willing to smile at the person when going past them, or giving them a bit of help with something.
"If ideas for appropriate gifts don't easily come to mind, the task of trying to think of one could be put aside till a later day when they might come more easily, and when the idea of giving one seems more acceptable."
Becky continued, "The author says more peace of mind can be gained if people think about whether the experiences they're trying to forgive have had any positive consequences at all that can at least enable them to find some worthwhile purpose in their suffering.
"For example, some people can apparently find that they become more caring towards other people who are suffering after they've suffered themselves so they know what it's like, or it can motivate them to do things to try to prevent other people from suffering in the same way, for instance if they've been bullied badly at school, and it motivates them to campaign for schools to introduce better techniques for dealing with bullying. Or someone who knows just how bad it is to be bullied because they've experienced it themselves might sometimes be more likely to stand up for other people when they see them being bullied than they were before they were bullied themselves.
"Or someone who was in the habit of drinking a lot but who gets involved in a drunken fight over nothing might cut down on the amount of alcohol they drink after that, and later realise that that's probably been good for their health. And that kind of thing.
"Naturally, suffering won't always lead to good things. It can lead to very bad things, such as people developing the kind of personalities where they're often depressed, or them getting into drugs, or often feeling suicidal, or all kinds of things like that. But sometimes good things can come of suffering.
"If people can see a purpose in what they suffered, it can seem to them to have been worthwhile, instead of just being a tragedy or some other kind of nasty experience.
"Or if they can make efforts to think about what kind of good they could turn their suffering to, that can help too, for instance if someone's developed a phobia of going out after having been attacked, and they get over it, but it's been a horrible experience, and they think, 'What could I do to make this suffering turn out to have been worthwhile instead of just horrible?' and they think about it, and then decide to train to be a therapist for people with phobias, so they can help other people get over theirs.
"Or people can still look for meaning in life despite their suffering, which could help them cope with it; for instance if a person's put in prison for something they didn't do, and has to spend a lot of time alone, they might be able to diminish the upset they feel because their life's passing them by and because they've been deprived of doing what they used to enjoy doing, by trying to do something meaningful despite being there, such as trying to persuade the guards to allow them to have learning materials to help them do a degree or get some other qualification, that they might be able to make use of in some way when they get out.
"It might be hard to find meaning in suffering while it's actually going on, since after all, people might be too upset by the pain, or by the anxiety about what might happen next, to be able to think of anything much at all apart from what's happening to them! But when people aren't suffering much any more, it might be easier to think about what positive things could come of their experiences, if any can. That'll make forgiving easier.
"The author recommends that people write in their forgiveness journals about what kind of positive meaning they've found, or think they could find, in their suffering, and in their struggle to forgive it, such as if it's turned them into a better person, and whether their suffering's taught them anything valuable about such things as human nature or the world, or whether any beliefs they already have about the world can give them any insights into any meaning they can find in their suffering.
"He says even if a person's suffering doesn't seem to have any meaning now, it's possible that at some time in the future, they will find some meaning in it.
"Finding meaning in suffering can help people forgive, because it can comfort them to think that at least something worthwhile came out of it."
Becky carried on, "Then the author asks people to think about whether they themselves have felt the need for forgiveness in the past, and how they felt when they realised they'd done wrong and wanted to be forgiven, how important it was to them to be forgiven, how they would have felt if the person they upset had never wanted anything to do with them again, and how it felt to be forgiven. He says if people can think about that, it can sometimes increase their sympathy for the person they're trying to forgive, since it's possible that they might feel like that themselves; so that'll make it easier to forgive them too.
"But he says it's important not to start mistakenly thinking that anything the offender went through actually justifies what they did to them.
"He recommends that people tell any story they can think of in their forgiveness journal about a time when they themselves upset someone and hoped to get forgiveness from them - not necessarily the person they're trying to forgive, but anyone. They could write about how it felt when they did get forgiven, and about whether thinking about that makes them feel more for the person they're trying to forgive, and that makes them want to forgive them more.
"The book doesn't say this, but I suppose that'll really depend on how bad the thing was that the person's trying to forgive, and whether they think the person who made them suffer is likely to give a stuff about whether they're forgiven or not. But sometimes the author's advice might help, maybe."
Becky continued, "He goes on to say that the struggle to forgive doesn't have to be carried out alone, or with just one or two confidantes; there might be support groups around where everyone in them is trying to deal with the after-effects of having been hurt by someone in their lives, such as Al Anon groups, which are support groups for the families of alcoholics.
"Feeling as if you're not alone can bring some comfort; and being around supportive people who've been through similar things can do that too, as well as meaning people might be able to encourage and sympathise with each other in their struggles. And people can get to feel more confident that they're doing the right thing if other people talk about how it's benefiting them to do it too.
"There are all kinds of support groups around for people suffering different things. And some people have been lucky enough to find good counsellors who've been caring and supportive, and they've found that's really helped.
"I've said it before, but I may as well say it one more time: Not all counsellors and support groups are good ones though. Some might have negative attitudes to forgiveness, or do other things that risk making people more depressed, like recommending that they do things that actually make it more likely that they'll brood on what's been upsetting them till they feel worse. So counsellors might have to be tried out a bit to see if they're likely to help, before a person picks one to stick with.
"The author recommends that people write in their journals about whether any support they've received has helped them in their struggle to forgive, and if so, what kind of support it was, and how it's helped. It might give them ideas for what to do more or seek more of. Or else they could think through and write about what they could do to find support."
Becky went on to say, "He says that a lot of people who've found emotional healing from what they've suffered go on to want to help other people who are suffering the same kinds of things that they did to find healing themselves, helping them with the kinds of things that helped them, such as passing on useful information, telling them their own stories about how they found emotional healing through working through a forgiveness process, or comforting them in the way they found comfort themselves. And that can give their lives a new purpose that makes them seem more meaningful.
"And people can take other lessons they've learned into the future that give their lives a new purpose, such as resolving to do their best to make sure their own children, or teenagers around them, don't fall into the same traps they did, trying to stop them by, for instance, advising them about the signs that people they might otherwise get into relationships with in future will likely turn out to be abusive, or working with others to set up youth clubs where teenagers can go and enjoy themselves instead of hanging around the streets with not much to do, where they could do harm and come to harm because of the influence of others who might get them into bad lifestyles, or who might commit crimes against them. People can hope that that might at least protect teenagers sometimes.
"Or a person's future purpose in life could be a self-improvement thing, such as working to try to find ways of making sure they never get overwhelmed by depression or anger again.
"The author recommends that people have a good think about and write in their journals about what new purpose they might be finding in their lives as a result of what new attitudes they're developing as they're healing from what caused them to suffer."
Then Becky said, "He quotes what quite a few of the people he mentions in his book said when they'd eventually managed to forgive people who had made them suffer:
"There was one young woman with an abusive alcoholic father who'd thrown a knife at her one day. It had hit her handle-first, so it hadn't done much physical harm; but from then on, she hadn't had much confidence, especially because she had thought it must mean her father thought she must be a worthless person if he thought she deserved something like that. So she was ashamed of herself, and isolated herself from her friends. Later in life, she tried to shrug what he'd done off as if it didn't bother her; but really, she was still very upset about it.
"She decided to work through forgiving him, and one thing that helped was thinking about what had turned him into the person he became, not excusing him, but understanding what had happened to him to make him the way he was. It helped change her attitude towards him, so instead of thinking of him as just nasty, she started thinking of him as a product of his upbringing; he hadn't had a nice childhood at all himself, with a father who had often made him feel worthless by calling him names, which might have had a lot to do with why he started drinking, as well as why he got into the habit of saying similar kinds of things to others. She started feeling sympathy towards him instead of resentment, and that helped her forgive him.
"When she managed to forgive him, she let go of the hatred she had for him, and said that made her a happier person, because she was better able to think about other things, instead of often feeling like brooding on bad things that happened in the past.
"She said her friends and some family members noticed the change in her; and because she was happier, she could put more energy into relationships that were good for her. She said becoming happier was the main benefit she got from forgiving her father.
"And there was a man whose father had sometimes been violent to him, one day falsely accusing him of taking drugs, not believing his denials, and then turning him towards the sun so he couldn't see properly, and then bashing him over the head and knocking him down. He was ashamed of himself for not standing up to his father's violence, and carried a burden of anger and shame for nearly thirty years about what his father had done and how he'd allowed him to carry on, till he decided to try to forgive him.
"During that time, he'd had frightening violent nightmares where he would attack people and beat them up and shoot at them, and he'd be attacked and shot at in a hail of bullets in return, although he wouldn't be hurt. He became bitter and distrustful of people, becoming antagonistic to religion and some organisations of authority because his father had been religious and a police officer. His dreams scared him because they made him think he might be becoming like his father, which was different from the way he wanted to be, because he'd always been quite cheerful and good-natured before.
"After he managed to forgive his father, he said he forgave him mostly to help himself get over the emotional scars his father's violence had left on him. He said his view of his father didn't change much as a result, although he'd tried hard to understand his behaviour, and he recognised that he too had been a victim of violence. He said he was disappointed that his father had never apologised for what he'd done, although he thought he was probably glad to know he no longer held any grudges. But his nightmares went away after he forgave him, and he started having nicer dreams. He'd cut his father out of his life for some time, but he got back in touch with him, feeling sure he wasn't a risk to him any more.
"One woman had had a very critical mother who was always putting her down as she was growing up, and hadn't shown her affection; and the attitudes had rubbed off on her, and she became critical of herself when things went wrong, and upset over even little things, and intolerant of the mistakes of others, not normally liking people or trusting them, treating them with the same kind of critical attitude she treated herself with. They probably didn't realise she was just as critical of herself in her mind as she was of them, so they probably thought she was just a bitch. ... Sorry, that's just my own thought there. I'll get back to telling you what the author says.
"He says her attitude to people softened when she managed to forgive her mother and tried to understand why she was the way she was. She realised that the mistakes of people around her could be understandable, and felt as if she could relax more and have more peace. And after that, she started making friends, and then became more confident; and she became more willing to just patiently put up with things when they went wrong for her, such as when she got a flat tyre, thinking of it as just part of life, and that things would probably get better in time, instead of getting really stressed and thinking she was incompetent for not coping well like she had before, when she'd maybe just believed that her mother's criticisms of her abilities must have been valid. She reduced her alcohol consumption, because she didn't feel as if she needed it any more to cope with life. She decided to move on and focus on the future, and then she started thinking about what she might be able to do to improve things. Her life got better.
"One thing that helped her to forgive her mother was making efforts to try to understand her better, thinking about how she had suffered from depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and had been trying to raise two little girls in a time when lots of people were poor, in a home with no running water or phone, and an unreliable electricity supply. And her husband had suffered from tuberculosis. So she'd been trying to cope with a lot. I expect some people could have managed it without becoming bitter and twisted; but anyway, the author says the woman trying to forgive her mother actually started feeling very sorry for her when she realised what she'd had to cope with in life, and realised the reason why she never showed her affection must have been that she was so absorbed in her own emotional problems that it didn't occur to her to think about how other people might feel the need for some of her emotion to be lavished on them, ... (in nicer ways than the ways it was affecting her herself, obviously).
"She said she couldn't have forgiven her mum without understanding how hard it must have been for her to have coped with life, and what influences must have turned her into the person she became. When she saw her as a product of her circumstances, rather than as an authority figure dictating what she thought was best, it was easier for her to forgive her. And she had caring sensitive counselling that helped her change her attitudes."
Becky had been talking for perhaps longer than she'd ever talked in one go in her life before. But still she managed to carry on, saying, "The author says it can take months for a person's attitudes to transform fully - it can be a gradual process, involving a lot of upsetting soul-searching; but people can feel a whole lot better once they have changed.
"He says some people believe they'll never be able to forgive, because they think forgiveness has to do with feelings, and their feelings have been hurt for ages, so they feel sure they won't be able to change them, because they assume they haven't got any control over their feelings; but he says forgiveness is really an act of the will, and that when they find that out, they're pleased to think they can have some control over the process after all, because they can decide what to do.
"He recommends that people think about how far they've come in their forgiveness process, and write about it in their journals, since thinking about their progress might be encouraging. So people could ask themselves if they're less angry, depressed and tired than they were when they started, and if they get less stressed by little problems.
"He recommends that they rate their feelings in their journal again, without looking at the ratings they gave them before for the time being. So they could rate how angry they are with the person they're trying to forgive on a scale of one to ten, with one being not angry at all, and ten being extremely angry, and do a similar thing with feelings of shame. And then they could estimate the amount of their energy they spend thinking of the person and dealing with the effects of what they did, with a rating of one being hardly any energy at all, and a rating of ten meaning that most of their energy every day goes on it.
"Then the author asks people to rate how helpful forgiveness is turning out to be for them in helping to improve their sense of well-being, compared to other solutions they've tried, with one being barely helpful at all, to ten being much more helpful than other solutions that were tried.
"If they rate the same things later, as well as looking at their earlier ratings for things, they might get evidence that things are getting better for them, if they're finding it easier to forgive over time.
"He says people don't have to worry that it's selfish to forgive people mostly to improve their own mental health, since after all, even if that starts out being their motivation, chances are that they'll start feeling more concerned about their attitude to the offender as time goes on.
"Then he asks people to rate how much compassion they now have for the offender, with one being none at all, to ten being a huge amount.
"After that, he asks people to rate how easy or hard they've found it to accept the pain of what happened so far, with one being that it's been very difficult, to ten being that it's been very easy.
"The last question he asks is how well people have managed to forgive the person, with one being not at all, to ten being deep forgiveness.
"Then he asks people to go back and compare their answers with the ones they gave before for similar questions, to see if they're making progress in forgiving, staying the same, or even coming to find it harder to forgive the person the more they think about what happened.
"He says people don't have to score impressive marks to improve their mental health; going up just a few marks for some questions and down for others in some things will help. He says most people don't score ratings at the extremes.
"He says people shouldn't be critical of themselves if they haven't made any progress, since it takes time. He recommends that anyone finding it hard to forgive could read back over the recommendations he's given people for how to forgive, and see if there are any steps in the process they've found especially difficult. If there are, and if they think of them as important, they might be worth revisiting and going over again, perhaps because they were hurried through the first time because they were too upsetting to do, so it could be worth going through them more thoroughly, which might not be so hard this time, since they might be less upsetting for a person who's come to terms quite a bit with the idea of forgiving since they tried them the first time. The author says that people's forgiveness companions might be able to provide support and comfort or insight along the way."
Becky, nearing the end of her lecture, carried on, "He says that after a person's been through the forgiveness process with one person, or in an effort to forgive just one of the things they did, there might be other people in their lives they want to forgive, or other things the original person did that they might want to forgive, so they might want to go through the process again with those. He says it should be easier the second time, although if they've been hurt more deeply by what the second person did, or if that person's still doing unfair things, it might take longer, although the person trying to forgive can at least console themselves with the thought that if they'd tried to forgive that person at first, it would have been harder, because the author says the first try at forgiveness is often the hardest and most upsetting.
"He says that people who've got a lot of things to forgive, or some bad things to forgive, might find that they think they've forgiven a person, only for anger about what they did to come back unexpectedly sometimes, or for new memories of other incidents to come to mind in the future that they think they'd like to forgive. He says that's common, but it can be easier to forgive the incidents that come to mind later, or to forgive the things that were forgiven once already again, because people will be more familiar with what forgiveness involves, and will likely have found the way of working through the process that works best for them. And he says that anger that resurfaces one day after a person thought they'd got rid of it when they forgave the person who harmed them will likely at least be less intense than it was the first time they worked through it.
"And a similar thing applies to bad things that might happen to people who've gone through the forgiveness process in future; they'll at least know by then that there are ways of taking control of their recovery, one of which is going through the forgiveness process again, even if it's hard. The author says it'll at least probably be easier than it was the first time.
"He says people can feel free to congratulate themselves when they realise they've come pretty close to the end of the forgiveness process, since it will have taken some dedicated effort and work that might have been upsetting, and it might have taken a long time; so they can think of coming close to finishing it as an achievement."
That was the end of Becky's lecture.
Afterwards, quite a lot of the students stayed in the room chatting for a while. Quite a few came up to Becky and congratulated her for doing the lecture, saying they thought at least some of it was good.
Becky's mum had come to listen to her lecture. She was sitting with Becky afterwards when a tutor came up and said to her that she must be proud to have a child with so much talent. Becky's mum smiled wryly and said, "Yes I am. ... If only she was as good at tidying her bedroom as she is at lecturing people, that would be really good!"
Becky protested indignantly, "Mum, why do you always have to embarrass me!"
But then a smile came over her face, and she joked, "I might have to think through my lecture on forgiveness to work out how to forgive you for saying things like that now!"
They chuckled.
Soon after that, Becky's mum drove her home. Really, she was fairly impressed with what Becky had done.
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