Funny Quotes

Amusing Quotes Attributed to Famous People

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov

If you think you're too small to have an impact try going to bed with a mosquito in the room. Anita Koddick

Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps undermining the effort. Mason Cooley

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes. The Houghton Line, November 1965

Things are never so bad they can't be made worse. From the movie The African Queen

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. Aesop (620 BC-560 BC)

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. Thomas Fuller

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence. Henrik Tikkanen

Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink. Gore Vidal

Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. Robert Charles Benchley

Never criticize a man until you've run a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be okay because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes. Robin Evans

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. Doug Larson

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz

Some people have so much respect for their superiors they have none left for themselves. Peter McArthur

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers. Kahlil Gibran

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. Author Unknown

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. E M Forster

Every society honors its live conformists, and its dead troublemakers. Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Stubborness does have its helpful features. You always know what you are going to be thinking tomorrow. Glen Beaman

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. Eric Hoffer, Passionate State of Mind, 1955

Public opinion is a compound of folly, weakness, prejudice, wrong feeling, right feeling, obstinacy, and newspaper paragraphs. Robert Peel

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus

If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking. George S. Patton

But it is just when opinions universally prevail and we have added lip service to their authority that we become sometimes most keenly conscious that we do not believe a word that we are saying. Virginia Woolf

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. Marshall McLuhan

When some folks agree with my opinions I begin to suspect I'm wrong. Kin Hubbard

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. Foe Ancis

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster too. Lionel Kauffman

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. Erma Bombeck

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. John Cage

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. Jean Rostand, (Le Mariage, 1927)

Let him that hath no power of patience retire within himself, though even there he will have to put up with himself. Baltasar Gracián

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. Socrates

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense. Benjamin Disraeli

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Benjamin Franklin

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. Albert Einstein

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. Abraham Lincoln

(Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars) If I had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it. Bob Hope

A letter is an unannounced visit, the postman the agent of rude surprises. One ought to reserve an hour a week for receiving letters and afterwards take a bath. Friedrich Nietzsche

A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. G. K. Chesterton

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. George Bernard Shaw

My reputation grows with every failure. George Bernard Shaw

If you don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake. F. Wikzek

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde

There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten. Samuel Johnson

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. Voltaire

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W. C. Fields

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. Winston Churchill

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. Somerset Maugham

I seldom think of politics more than 18 hours a day. Lyndon Johnson

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin

I've had a wonderful evening, ... but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. Albert Einstein

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. James M. Barrie

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. Robert Orben

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. Robert Benchley

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. Charles Evans Hughes

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong. Geoff Arbuthnot

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. Partick Moore

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

Quotations from Aussie flight engineers reports (Dare you fly Quantas???)

(I believe this has been going around the online community for some time):

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Other Humour Sections On This Site

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The jokes and quotes on these pages have been collected from around the Internet.
I'm not sure who put them there in the first place.