Medical Jokes

Short Doctor Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!

Man: My doctor has advised me to give up golf.
Friend: Why? Did he examine your heart?
Man: No, he had a look at my score card.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Embarrassing Incident

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

The Hypochondriac

Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'

The Money's Good

A plumber attended to a leaking tap at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"

Patient Care

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.

If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.

On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.

Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'

The Doctor's Fridge

A GP bought a new fridge for his home. To get rid of the old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home. You want it ….. you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this ‘looks too good to be true’ deal, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50".

The next day someone stole it.

The Specialist

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.

'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

New Disease Discovered

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately no cases have been reported thus far.

Worried Patient

Patient: Doctor, when I press my leg it hurts. Then when I press my chest it hurts, when I press my head it hurts, and when I press my stomach it hurts. I'm worried doc, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: Easy; straightforward, you have a sore finger!

After the First Aid Course

A woman had just finished a first-aid course and was eager to try out her skills.

Coming out of a shop one day, she saw a crowd gathered round a man on the ground. She rushed over, got down and began to take his pulse.

Just then, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, madam, do you realise I'm trying to arrest this man?"

The Patient's X-Ray

Doctor Khan was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital.

Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: "As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched."

The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney "Now what would you do in a case like this?"

Sidney piped up: "I suppose I would limp too."

Bloopers Doctors Have Written About Patients, allegedly Gleaned Over the Years From Medical Notes

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
The patient refused autopsy.
Patient's medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Long and Short of the Problem

Adam, an elderly man, was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.

After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'

Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'

Speeding

A GP was speeding to a house call, so was not surprised when a state trooper pulled her over. Hoping to get off with a warning, she appeared shocked when he walked up to the car and planned to tell him the circumstances of her speeding.
"I have never been stopped like this before in over 30 years of driving," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

Alleged Misprints in Newspapers Related to Medical Terms

The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs :- The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.
Another newspaper misprint :- The Welsh international had to withdraw when the cut turned sceptic.
From a Sunday newspaper :- The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum - the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines. [The omentum is the medical name for the sheet of fat that covers abdominal organs.]
From an article on stomach trouble :- Doctors are beginning to accept that stomach ulcers are infectious. They are caused by a bug called Helicopter. [Real name Helicobacter pylori.]
The Worksop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who'd happily "recovered from a tuna of the kidney". [Seems those tuna fish don't know their place.]
An excerpt from 'Pulse' magazine :- If we are over-diagnosing asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal cough, such as post-natal drip. [Slip of the 's', post-nasal drip.]
From a national newspaper :- Cutting down on fats reduces the risk of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil and butter ........ [Most of those contain SATURATED fats which would CAUSE a heart attack.]
A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on "kidneys-for-ale" operations.
From the South Wales Evening Post :- Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren.
An interesting health tip from Q magazine :- In America you can buy melatonin as a vitamin supplement. It is a hormone that your penile gland secretes when it gets dark. [Actually, melatonin is produced by the pineal gland.]

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